


lovesick boys

by tteguri



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Friends with Benefits (sort of), M/M, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of alcohol and drugs, fake boyfriends (sort of), struggling with romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 50,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tteguri/pseuds/tteguri
Summary: what to do if you are terrible at relationships so you’ve given up on that but you’re still looking for love?
Relationships: Kang Chanhee | Chani/Kim Seokwoo | Rowoon, Kim Youngkyun | Hwiyoung/Yoo Taeyang
Comments: 72
Kudos: 85





	1. 0.0

Chanhee wakes up with a terrible headache. He mentally curses himself: he isn’t really a pro drinker and he probably had too much last night. Night which he tries to remember, but every time he tries to go back with his memory his head hurts even more. So, well, fuck. 

It’s probably Sanghyuk’s fault: he is the party animal, even though lately he seems a bit off, he probably dragged them to a bar and Chanhee drank too much. It’s not something that happens often, Chanhee likes being in control and he’s always careful, but lately he has a lot going on so maybe he tried to drown it out with some mojito. It probably worked since he can’t remember anything but right now he has a sore throat, he feels like shit and his head is killing him, so good job Chanhee. 

He tries to sit up, and while moving in the too bright hotel room he notices something, well, he notices the lack of something. 

Clothes. 

On him. 

Not only the basics, like a tee or his pyjamas, he’s naked. Not even wearing socks. 

He almost screams. 

He forces his eyes open, to check the room. He can breathe again when he recognises his own hotel room, his luggage still open on the floor. 

He dies inside again, though, when he notices on his bedside table a package of condoms that isn’t his tire open. He had stopped carrying condoms with him a long time ago. 

The floor is a mess, other than his luggage there’s clothes everywhere, his favorite tracksuit lies in front of the bed, probably tossed there last night, with something white that looks like a shirt beside it. 

Fuck. 

When he just can’t think it could get any worse, he feels something moving next to him. Something that feels like a human body, a body of someone who’s sleeping next to him.

It’s just too much and he bolts in his bathroom, locking himself inside before the person he probably slept with will wake up. He isn’t ready to deal with them anytime soon. 

In the bathroom, he tries to put himself together. 

It’s no biggie, right? People have one night stands all the time, he had a few when he was still experimenting. He didn’t like them though, he always felt a bit used and the morning after he was totally repulsed by the person he just had sex with, which was pretty hypocritical from him, but he couldn’t help it. 

The fact was, Chanhee doesn’t even like sex. He tried it with girlfriends and random strangers, but it always felt a bit off, a bit boring and embarrassing, not really worth the hype in his opinion. He struggled a bit with that, because he was a teenage boy and every teenage boy likes sex, but he found peace a little while ago, thinking that in the end, nobody will care if he doesn’t have sex. He isn’t in a relationship and probably never will be again, since he’s a disaster in dating and stuff like this, and there’s no one taking notes about the times he gets laid. 

He thought he had found a balance but apparently not. He slept with someone. It has been more than a year since he had sex so why? He didn’t even miss it and he really doesn’t like anyone, he never likes anyone, he just accepts people that wants to have a relationship/have sex with him. And he never struggled to find anyone, the pros of being an idol. People think you are a kind of superior species sometimes. 

But now, why? Was he too drunk to reject the girl that hit on him last night? And why bringing her to his hotel room? And sleeping with her? He never did for one night stands: he had sex at the girl’s house and left immediately after. 

Maybe he was on drugs. He isn’t that naive and he tried a few times something heavier than weed, but he was always somehow in control. And plus, he was with the guys. He was sure he was with all eight of them, why they left him alone? They usually help each other while drunk so they won’t end up doing things they’ll regret or that will ruin their image. 

He sighs, opening the water and washing his face in the sink trying to clear his head but it doesn’t work. 

He watched himself in the mirror: he looks tired, his lips dry and almost bleeding. He has a flash of someone’s lips on his, that felt so soft, and him wanting more, grabbing the person those lips belonged to and pulling them closer. 

That was so not like him. He probably was too drunk. 

Still, he can’t help it but thinking about it again. Those lips, kissing him slowly, tiny kisses on the corner of his mouth, a praise in a voice that he knows it’s familiar but he can’t remember whose voice it is, and finally, finally a real kiss, lips on lips, open mouthed and him sighing in it, because it was about time. 

He shakes his head again. Was he possessed or something? He never felt like this. He never wanted to kiss someone, or if he wanted to, the kiss had always been a huge disappointment. Not like this memory, when kissing felt like heaven. 

He decides not to think about it anymore. He takes a shower, finding his back to burn under the warm water, and when he cakes out of the shower he checks the mirror to discover nail scrapes all over his shoulders and back. 

Okay, he was surely high. There’s no way on heart he’d let a girl do something like this. It hurts and it was probably hurting back then and sex it’s already a pain, so why adding more of it letting someone scratch him like this? 

Well, everyone makes mistakes, he thinks putting on his bathrobe, he just has to kick her out and telling her he won’t ever see her again. It’s almost true, he’s Korean and he’s in Europe now and he has no intention to go back if it’s not for work. Maybe he’ll tell her he found Jesus or something and he wants to remain pure, which is not a lie either, since he has no intention to ever sleep with anyone ever again. 

So he goes back to the room, trying to look firm and manly. He probably looks fifteen with no make up and a robe two sizes too big but whatever. He can be pretty bossy when he wants to and making the girl leave for good is his number one goal. 

Opening the door, he already sees her rubbing her eyes, head down like she’s trying to avoid the sunlight. 

But there’s a problem, like a huge problem. 

There is no “she”. Chanhee can clearly see the chest of the person sitting on his bed and it’s definitely a male chest. Very nice, muscular and everything and it looks like there’s a hickey on the left Chanhee doesn’t remember to have given to him. He doesn’t remember him entirely but whatever. 

So he slept with a man. Well, no biggie, right? Maybe that was why he hated having sex with girls. He had contemplated the idea of not being straight like years ago, so that’s okay. 

Still, he needs to disappear from his life as fast as he can. Chanhee can’t deal with relationships or people in general, so no, thank you. 

He puts on his best poker face, ignoring all the thoughts in his head - why no one stopped him from bringing a man to his room? how the hell he got with him in the first place? why now? why a man? - ready to face him. 

He clears his throat and the man lifts his head.

«Chanhee. Morning, sunshine.» says a familiar voice, he can now definitely tell to whom it belongs. 

Every bit of courage disappears from his body and he runs back into the bathroom, locking himself inside and trying to breathe. 

Not only he had a one night stand. Not only it was with a man and it was the first time he had done anything with someone of the same sex. The man was also Seokwoo, his teammate, colleague and annoying almost friend he had to see everyday. 

He was screwed. In every way possible.


	2. 0.1

So, he had sex with Seokwoo. 

It seems unreal: he never even liked Seokwoo as a person, he’s boring, but seeing his face Chanhee got, besides the obvious heart attack, a few glimpses of memories of the night before. 

The night before, for some reasons, Seokwoo didn’t seem plain and boring like he usually is to Chanhee’s eyes. He was irresistible and Chanhee feels something warm in his stomach just remembering few seconds here and there of the two of them together. 

He remembers their hands, he was holding Seokwoo’s he can’t recall why, but suddenly he started feeling so aware of it. He remembers turning around, seeing a probably too drunk Seokwoo with pink cheeks and glossy lips - what was he saying? he was saying something that made Chanhee like this - and almost feeling hunger. But it was him that Chanhee was craving. 

He remembers shutting Seokwoo’s blabbering with a kiss on his lips and Seokwoo in disbelief. He remembers kissing him again, until Seokwoo kissed him back. 

He remembers them stumbling to get into his room, him almost throwing Seokwoo on his bed. Then there was some conversation, useless, he didn’t care, then sweet kisses on his face, on his mouth, finally. 

Then he had a few memories: Seokwoo’s skin, so soft under his lips and hands, his praises, and most importantly, the feeling of absolute bliss that Seokwoo gave him that made every single tale people told him about how magnificent sex was shabby and almost boring. 

So, he slept with Seokwoo. He liked it. 

It feels so not like him. He always felt like sex was an obligation, it has been ages since he felt something like attraction to anyone, and even when he felt it, sex ended up being a disappointment. 

Yesterday it was ... amazing. Seokwoo was amazing, he felt amazing and Chanhee remembers very little but he can still feel the deep desire that he had for him. 

Seokwoo, the Seokwoo he was used to, was boring as hell. In one of his acting classes the teacher said that no actor can have a strong personality and well, Seokwoo was the perfect actor. 

He never raises his voice, never complains, when asked to say his opinion he always says “it’s the same for me”. He likes reading old boring books and he was majoring in something like world literature. Boring. 

Chanhee never liked him. He was good looking but there were more handsome men in the industry. And he was too tall. He tolerated him as a colleague, but he sure wasn’t one of his favorites: why not Sanghyuk? Sanghyuk was funny and liked to party and had always the craziest ideas. That was Chanhee’s type. Not boring Seokwoo who goes to bed at nine if he’s not working and always read a chapter of his boring ass book before sleeping. Or Youngkyun. Chanhee never considered anyone he worked with as a friend - he doesn’t trust people easily and he actually doesn’t have any friends in his opinion - but he was the closest thing to a friend among the eight colleagues. 

No, Seokwoo. And Seokwoo is ... good in bed? And not average good like he is super good. If Chanhee wasn’t too busy trying to understand why it happened, he’d probably go for round two. I mean, he can remeber only few seconds but if those seconds were that amazing ... no, he can’t think about it. 

He just can’t picture it. Seokwoo is boring and plain and Seokwoo does one night stands? The same man who Chanhe witnessed numerous times crying for Pride and Prejudice? Wasn’t he waiting for his Elizabeth Bennet or whatever? Well, maybe he’s waiting for Mr. Darcy but that is so not the point. 

The point it: Chanhee last night became insane and slept with him. And he liked it. And right now he has to face him and tell him that can’t never happen again - something inside of him screams “NO” but Chanhee tries to convince himself that everything felt amazing because he was drunk or whatever surely not because of Seokwoo - and they have to be professional around each other. 

«Chanhee. We need to talk. And I need a shower.» says Seokwoo, still in the room, gently knocking the door. 

Chanhee knows he has to face him. But how can he say “last night was amazing but well I’m not really that into sex and I can’t have a relationship, so since we are colleagues I think it’s better to forget everything that happened” to his face? 

Fuck, it’s horrible. 

«Wait.» he manages to say. 

«I’m waiting. I can’t exactly go out like this. You broke half of the buttons of my shirt last night. And I can’t find my boxers. I don’t wanna pressure you but please. I need a shower and my head is killing me.»

Oh, Jesus Lord. 

«About that ... last night ... what exactly happened? I mean, waking up naked next to you equally naked makes pretty obvious what happened, and I remember like a few episodes ... but how? Was I on drugs?» 

Silence. 

«Chanhee. You were the sober one. At least, you were more sober than I was. You don’t remember anything?» 

Silence. 

«So, we went out and I got drunk. Like really drunk. My girlfriend broke up with me over text few nights ago and I needed to get wasted. I got a bit overboard and I think some creepy old man was trying to hit on me and then you showed up and you were kinda drunk too but you saved me. A true knight. But I was like, really really drunk. So I may have told you a few things ... as a compliment, of course. Then you kissed me, we took a cab, you tried to get me naked in said cab, we were kicked out by the driver, we walked to the hotel, you dragged me to your room and then ... I don’t think you want me to describe everything. But you weren’t high. Drunk, but not that drunk. I mean, when you’re too drunk you can’t ... be active ... like you were with me last night.» 

Chanhee wants to dig a hole in the bathroom pavement and disappear forever. 

His memories matches with Seokwoo’s so well, that was what happened. But he needs to know more. 

«And Sanghyuk and the others?» 

« You stayed behind to rescue me. They don’t know anything. I mean, we were loud last night but I don’t think we were that loud?» 

Oh, fuck everything. Not only Chanhee slept with someone he normally doesn’t even like, he fucking woke up the entire hotel probably. 

«What did you say?» he asks. 

«That we weren’t too loud ...?» 

«No, I meant. To me. Last night. I remember you said something and I turned around and I kissed you.» 

Silence. 

«Oh ... well it’s a bit embarrassing so ...» 

«I also remember you saying that my dick was “really really pretty” I don’t think anything can be more embarrassing than that» replies Chanhee. 

It’s like a vague memory but he’s quite sure it happened and the silence that followed confirmed it. 

Fuck. He slept with someone who likes boring english novels and told him he had a “really really pretty” dick. Disgusting. The sex was epic but still, disgusting. 

«I was ... drunk. Okay? Very. You made me sober up a bit giving me water and stuff but I was drunk. And I may have told you that you were so nice to save me from that old man and it was a shame that the only people I would have banged in the whole club was you. And I told you I had always found you really really cute, and that’s a shame we work together and I can’t deal with one night stands. Like, you are the prettiest person I know. And you have that attitude ... I love it, when you are bossy. I may have thought that makes me think you are really spicy in bed. But I mean, it isn’t all sexual. You are just ... fascinating. It’s hard not to stare. It’s the way you talk, the way you move ... okay, that’s not the point. I told you about ... kinda everything? I told you I am bisexual and that I had a girlfriend who left me because I suck at relationships and they make me always sad and soulless but I also need constant validation and physical affection, but I tried with one night stands and they suck I always feel used and I hate not being cuddled after sex. You cuddled me. It was nice. I mean, after we had sex. It was really good for me if it makes you feel better, both sex and the cuddling part I mean.» 

Chanhee now remembers. He remembers somehow relating to Seokwoo and that was a huge step since he always believed he is the only one feeling eternally disappointed in anything relationship related, but also he felt the adrenaline of being for the first time considered the most something in the room. 

Don’t get him wrong: he has a lot of confidence. He likes himself a lot and he thinks he’s far better than most people but he had never been chosen by anyone, really. Not as himself, at least. 

He was approached countless times as an actor, as an idol, as “the one from the drama” back at school, and everyone wanted him for everything but what he really was.

Seokwoo thinks he’s pretty. He had been told countless times any synonyms of that adjective, and he was never affected. It was because people always said that to get something from him, an autograph, an interaction, his number. Seokwoo told him he was pretty because he was drunk and he remembers now how he blabbered for like five minutes about the things he liked about him, everything to him was “pretty” a couple of times “sexy”. 

There was no intention of sleeping together or having anything, Chanhee remembers to have felt that in Seokwoo’s words, they were just a stream of consciousness thanks to the tequila. And that was what he drove him crazy: Seokwoo liked him for real. 

It’s just a crush, probably, but it felt so overwhelming that he had to turn around and when he looked at Seokwoo, glossy eyes pouting at the dark sky while he was blabbering some inconsistent stuff about his hands and how pretty they were and how much he thought he’d let Chanhee choke him with those if he wanted to, he was transformed. 

He had always seen Seokwoo as a character from the movies the guy loves: plain, boring, his nose always buried in his books. He kinda pictured him as a grotesque korean and modern version of Mr. Rochester, someone who was almost never at the dorms and looked and was so insignificant  
that he was almost part of the furniture. Only some equally boring girl - like Jane Eyre was - could fall for him. And Chanhee was no helpless girl from an old english novel. 

Chanhee liked anime, he liked watching Bleach in his bed all day until his eyes hurt, eating fried chicken and sleeping when he felt too tired. He also liked to party, thanks to Sanghyuk who was always partying and dragged whoever wanted to join with him, and getting a bit wasted. 

Seokwoo usually never went out with them, and when he did, he was the kind of guy who stayed on the couch endlessly talking to whoever could tolerate him. Sanghyuk never gave him the speech “if someone offers you pills, no. there’s like, a lot of cocaine in the bathrooms and I swear to God Chanhee if I ever see you slang anything I’ll kill you”. Seokwoo was never interested in those stuff. He was too boring. Not that Chanhee was that big of a drugs fan: he tried something but nothing much, he had to appear decent to Sanghyuk’s eyes and now he’s past the rebellious phase when he felt so awesome for doing something forbidden. 

But last night, Seokwoo stopped being boring. He started being ... pretty. Messy hair, his shirt wine stained and all crumpled, watery eyes and cheeks unnaturally red. He was a mess but Chanhee remembers how he felt like that he was the mess that he wanted. 

And so he kissed him, because it was the first time he felt that sudden and unexplainable attraction for someone he barely noticed before, because it was the first time someone liked the fact he was lazy and he had an attitude and he expected nothing but there was sparks fly and butterflies and everything people say about kissing, but a hundred times better. 

«Chanhee? Are you alive?» asks Seokwoo. 

He wants to reply “no” for various reasons. 

«Chanhee. Please. I thought you wanted it ... I mean, you started everything ... how I was supposed to know what ...» 

That’s when Chanhee opens the door. Because he wanted it, it’s so unlike him but he remembers how much he wanted Seokwoo and he had wished for everything that happened the night before. 

Also, he was kinda curious of what will his reaction be, seeing Seokwoo again knowing everything that happened. Will he still be the hottest person on heart like he was the night before or he’ll go back being irrelevant like he was before? Chanhee doesn’t know what to hope for. 

«I wanted it. I regret it? Maybe. But it’s complicated. But I remember I totally made the first move and probably the second and the third too. It’s not your fault.»

He goes back into the bedroom, and here he is, Seokwoo. 

He’s not the prettiest, he has to admit. He has dark circles around his eyes, that look kinda small because he’s trying to see something since he’s probably without contacts and he’s almost blind, his face looks tired and almost yellow. He’s only wearing a tee, one of Chanhee’s he probably stole from his luggage and thanks god Chanhee likes oversized clothes, since it barely covers anything. 

Yeah, Seokwoo is definitely in a miserable state. Not even his most hardcore fan would find him hot, he looks half dead or at least comatose. 

Still, Chanhee feels the urge to drag him to the bed, kiss him until they are both out of breath and get rid of that stupid shirt. 

Oh, he’s totally fucked. 

Years and years of little lust and almost no sexual desire and right now he’s like a teenager watching a topless girl for the first time on Playboy. He has to check if he’s drooling. 

Seokwoo doesn’t seem as affected as he is, and that bothers him a lot. He just stares and Chanhee instinctively covers himself up with his bathrobe. 

«Oh. Well. Yeah. So ... what’s next? I mean, we had sex and I think we need to talk about it.» 

«Or maybe we just have to do it again.» says someone and Chanhee finds only after finishing the sentence it’s him talking. 

He can see Seokwoo’s pupils becoming wider. 

«Oh, yeah, I mean ... sounds cool.» he blabbers incoherently, while Chanhee is already walking towards him. 

He touches his chest, his clothes chest, but it’s almost electric. He never felt something like this before, just barely touching someone. 

He wants him. 

Some parts of his brain kinda know that this is extremely inappropriate and incoherent. He thought like, ten minutes ago, about not seeing him ever again. Well, he didn't know he was Seokwoo, but he was 100% sure he didn't want to repeat the experience.

Right now he'd probably kill someone for a kiss. 

So that is what lust is. And that is why everyone is so obsessed with it. You can't really shake it off your brain. 

"Are you … well, I mean, have you changed your mind? It's been a minute and you literally are just touching my chest." says Seokwoo, bending to get closer to Chanhee.

He smells like alchohol, and a very weird scent that Chanhee can label only with "aftersex smell". It's almost intoxicating.

"I … was contemplating." Chanhee replies. 

"Can you please contemplate the idea of at least kissing me?" replies Seokwoo.

He'd never been so cocky. Chanhee likes it. 

He goes on his tiptoes and kisses him, at first just a peck on his lips but when he pulls off and Seokwoo is probably ready to complain he kisses him, this time for real.

He expected disappointment, of course. Last night he was drunk and not really himself, right now he's totally sober and even a bit hungover. But his sore throat, his headache, disappeared the second he touched Seokwoo and they are now just a distant memory. 

There's only Seokwoo, his soft lips against his, and he's even better than what Chanhee rememebered. 

Oh, he's so fucked. 

Chanhee rolls over, back on the matress, and tries to catch his breath. 

"Oh, Jesus." he finds the stranght to say, which is surprising since he feels totally drained.

"Indeed" pants Seokwoo, who's laying next to him, equally breathless. 

It was even better. And Chanhee is sober. Totally sober. And he just slept with his colleague again, and wort of all, he liked it. Well, at a certain point he was overwhelmed by guilt and he kinda stopped and asked Seokwoo “what if this is wrong?” and Seokwoo replied that the only wrong thing at the moment was him not moving and threatened to strangle him if he didn’t pick up the pace and that had an unexpected twist and Chanhee discovered Seokwoo likes being choked during sex, but he did it again. 

And he wasn’t regretting it. Not totally because well, it was mind blowing. 

“Did you ... did you work in porn or something? Like, it was unreal.» he finds himself asking Seokwoo. 

Seokwoo giggles.

“I only had sex with like ... five people? Including you. And we didn’t film that so sorry, no porn.» 

«Some of them were porn stars? Like Sasha Grey? How ... how come it’s good with you?» 

Chanhee is a bit carried away. He doesn’t even realise but he shifted a bit in the bed, now using as a pillow not the pillow itself but Seokwoo’s chest. And Seokwoo is kinda hugging him, using his other hand to comb his sweaty hair away from his face. 

«What? I mean, sex with you is really something else if you ask me, but sex is good, usually. Not like this, like this I never thought it was possible but like ... sex is usually average good. Not to you?» 

«No. I always feel bad after. No matter who I’m doing it with. I feel ... disappointed. And the act itself has always been boring. I get off, I get off the other person or vice versa, I feel bad. I never felt good. And right now ... it’s different.» 

Right now it feels like heaven, he almost says. 

«I agree. I like sex, I mean, a lot, but after I alway feel bitter. One night stands are the worst, I hate not being cuddled I need affection» replies Seokwoo, still caressing his hair and Chanhee closes hi eyes, relaxing to the touch «But even in relationships ... it made me feel used, sometimes? Or sad, because the relationship worked only in the bed. And after last night and this morning, I can tell it wasn’t even working decently compared to that.» 

«Well, same? I mean, my relationships were failures too. Not because of sex, because I generally suck at it. I’m too cold, distant, I always act like I’m a princess ... whatever that means.» 

Chanhee involuntarily snuggles into Seokwoo’s chest more after saying that. 

«They never said to you that you are obsessed with yourself? Too needy? Too insecure? I can literally go on for hours. My ex told me everything. But that’s okay, I quit. No more love. I suck at it. I am unable to have a romantic relationship with another living being.» 

«Same. I like, made a vow or something a year ago. No more trying. No more one night stands. No more dates. No more nothing. I’ll be alone. I was born to be alone apparently.» 

Seokwoo kisses his forehead and Chanhee smiles. His ex girlfriend kisses his forehead the last time they slept together, and he felt something off, but right now, he only feels warm. 

«Doesn’t it feel lonely?» asks Seokwoo.

«For the most part, no. I have my work and I worry about that a lot, and I’m always busy. But sometimes yes. It’s like missing terribly someone you’ll never meet. When everyone has his girlfriend or boyfriend by their side and you’re alone, that’s when it sucks. Or when you want to talk to someone but you have no one who cares. But, like, you can live with that. Far better than having your heart constantly broken by someone.» 

It’s the first time Chanhee says that out loud. He never felt like someone would understand that. Everyone thinks love is something you can’t live without. But he can, and he will, even if sometimes he feels so empty and alone. He’ll get over it. It’s been a year, not a decade. 

«What if we help each other with this?» 

Chanhee can’t help it but feeling disappointed. So Seokwoo wants friends with benefits. 

«I don’t do that. No friends with benefits. No thanks. Sex with you is mind blowing but I hate that.» 

«Let me finish. Not sex, I mean, not only sex. Sex isn’t excluded, if you want to, but if you don’t want to, it’s okay. I mean, when we feel alone, let’s comfort each other. Let’s talk about whatever we need to vent about. So it won’t feel so lonely, being alone.»

Chanhee looks at him in disbelief. 

«I mean: we want to talk about something? We talk with each other. We miss cuddling? We cuddle. Like this. I mean, like friends with benefits but we care about each other. Not in a romantic way and we can’t even leave out the sex part, but like ... to not feel lonely. I’d like to. Oh, God, maybe it’s so stupid it ...» 

But Chanhee likes it. Not relationally, because he knows that rationally that’s insane but it sounds ... logic. Well, he felt lonely a lot. And right now someone (Seokwoo) is giving him the opportunity to receive affection without the burden of a relationship: no pressure to show feelings, no pressure to listen to him constantly, no pressure to have sex even. Sounds too good to be true. 

«The sex. I want it too.» he says and Seokwoo who is still blabbering about something stops. 

«What? That means ... you’re in?»

«Yeah. Bring my ipad. We’ll need to get things well defined, I need to be organised.» 

Seokwoo looks at him in disbelief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk where is this going but today was a weird day and i have no one to complain to


	3. 0.2

After a week, everything feels like a dream to Chanhee. Had he really been in his hotel room, with Seokwoo that had his chin on his shoulder, writing on his ipad the rules of their non relationship? It ended up being a five pages essay, looking more like a contract that Chanhee would have expected, since he was hungover and so was Seokwoo. 

A long list of rules, of dos and dont's, that he wrote quickly, pushing away Seokwoo that occasionally tried to distract him kissing his neck. 

It all feels so distant now, almost like a dream. Chanhee isn't sure about what it got on him: was it because of the hungover? Or was he simply being insane, since he acted like he was out of his mind since the night before, sleeping with Seokwoo etc?

He doesn't regret it, though, which is weird since he always wished to go back to being virgin after every single time he had sex. It was too good. It feels maybe awkward thinking about it, but it almost feels like it was a different life.  
He thought there would have been some awkwardness at least while working, but Seokwoo acted perfectly and politely and they were both very busy so they almost never talked besides the usual small talk they did with all coworkers. 

Sure, Chanhee's attraction to him didn't wanish overnight. He still has moments, moments when he remebers him that night and the following morning and well, sometimes it's kinda hard not to stare. But usually he has work to do or something distracts him, and it isn't like a huge problem.

None of them really talked about the contract or that night, so maybe the thing will be dropped and none of them will talk about it ever again. 

Chanhee is okay with it. He'll probably miss the sex, but he surely can live without it, as he can live without receiving any kind of affection, but having that kind of non relationship with a colleague maybe it will do more harm than good. Besides that he wants to be alone most of the time anyways.

So, after a week, he's kinda starting to foget that ever happened. He works, he goes to sleep exausted, he eats with the guys and then they go to another city and the routine starts again. So, when Sanghyuk, after the last concert of the tour, suggests to go clubbing all nine of them with staff and managers, he doesn't mind going. 

The night is pretty wild. Sanghyuk got drunk like usual and he started blabbering to anyone that was drunk enough to listen to him about his life like half an hour ago, Jaeyoon dragged Inseong and Taeyang to dance somewhere and Youngkyun is trying to order something for himself with his non existent english skills leaving the barista really confused. 

Chanhee is left alone with his rum and cola but he doesn't mind. He doesn't want to get drunk or even tipsy, and he's too tired to dance or listening to Sanghyuk. 

When Seokwoo joins him, he doesn't complain. He makes room for him and his drink, not saying anything. 

"Not down to party?" asks Seokwoo. 

He takes a sip of his drink, a violet one that looks fruity and probably too sweet. Chanhee wonders what is it. 

"Too tired. What are you drinking?"

"Purple virgin mojito. I don't feel like having alchol tonight. I had a headache for two days the last time I got drunk."

That also happened to be the time when they banged but Chanhee doesn'y want to think about it. That won't happen again. 

"Same. I'm only having one drink to celebrate, then I'll stop. I need this to be a peaceful night."

Seokwoo nods, taking a sip of his drink. 

"Definitely."

SLAM

Chanhee's head hits the wooden door and fuck, it hurts. He momentarily detaches his mouth from Seokwoo's, who was trying to get the key of his room and kiss him at the same time to complain: "Hey, take it slow big guy. I'm almost had an head trauma or whatever it's called."

Seokwoo replies by finally opening the door and shoving him ungracefully to the bed where he starts kissing him again, this time uselessly putting a hand on the back of Chanhee's head to prevent it to hit the matress too hard. 

"Why are you still dressed, fuck." says Seokwoo, proceding to open his shirt, and for the sake of doing that, he stopped kissing Chanhee. Outrageous.

"Rip it off, I don't care." replies Chanhee and kisses him quickly on the lips. Not being kissed right now seems to him a personal attack.

He hears the fabric breaking, and buttons falling on the floor, but he quickly forgets about it since Seokwoo's mouth is on his neck and then on his shoulder. When he bites him, Chanhee lets out a whine and pulls his hair. 

Seokwoo moans, but pulls it off. 

"Sorry, too much?" asks Seokwoo, looking at him. 

"No, I liked it. Do it again." 

"I like it when you pull my hair. You too, do that again."

It's almost three in the morning when Chanhee looks at his phone. He's lying on the bed, still undressed and looking at the texts he will probably ignore for another ten days. 

Seokwoo's up. He's wearing a bathrobe and he's trying to make some hot tea with honey, since Chanhee said he had a sore throat. 

It's so nice. No one has ever been that nice to Chanhee, making him things. Sure, he has to be nice since they had sex until like, a minute ago and Chanhee has to say it, it was even better than other times. This time they weren't drunk, Chanhee didn't even finish his drink, they weren't hungover and it was just great. 

But he best part it's that Chanhee doesn't feel bad after. He doesn't feel used or even uncomfortable, maybe because Seokwoo is so kind. When everything ended Chanhee felt a bit awkward when Seokwoo hugged him, and he whispered him something about the fact he doesn't really know how to cuddle, but Seokwoo shut him up with a kiss and said "Just do nothing. I'll do the cuddling part". 

It was the first time Chanhee could enjoy cuddles. He always felt like they were kinda useless and he didn't know what to do: caressing the girl's hair? Her face? He always wasn't really into that but he did it anyways since he didn't want the girl to feel bad. 

With Seokwoo, he did nothing but being kissed and caressed and praised, and the best part was, it wasn't even sexual. It was just cuddling, just the way Chanhee had always thought it would feel, no, even better. They even talked a bit, and that was when the sore throat thing came out and Seokwoo rushed to make tea.

And now he's bringing him his tea, and Chanhee takes it with a thankful smile. It tastes too sweet but it's good for him. It's also good for him having Seokwoo holding him , even though it is so unnecessary and a bit uncomfortable while he's drinking tea. 

"Good? If you want we can call room service and have milk and honey, it's even better." 

Chanhee likes milk more than tea but can't bother to get dressed and call someone. 

"It's good, don't worry." 

He finishes his tea and snuggles with Seokwoo again, without even thinking about it. Seokwoo lifts his chin and kisses him deeply and slowly. 

Chanhee feels his cheeks burning. 

"You taste like honey." says Seokwoo, licking his lips and looking at Chanhee with a smile. 

"Surprisingly."

"Do you wanna sleep here tonight? It's really late." asks Seokwoo. 

Normally Chanhee would have said no, He hates sleeping with other people in the same bed, he always feels uncomfortable. Some of his exes wanted to fall asleep while being hugged and he was almost repulsed: it was so unnatural sleeping hugging another human being instead of just laying on his stomach or curling himself up in the covers, but Seokwoo feels definitely different. 

First, he's huge. Chanhee can comfortably use his chest as a pillow. Second, he's low mantainance. He likes to cuddle a lot but he doesn't really pressure Chanhee with it and he does all the work which is … nice. And very very warm. Chanhee isn't really into physical touch, but he likes Seokwoo's. Maybe it's something related to them being good sex partners or whatever. And third, he can tell him exactly what he's thinking without holding back. It's in their contract and moreover he doesn't need to hold back because he isn't concerned about Seokwoo's opinion of him. He doesn't care if Seokwoo likes him, because he isn't his boyfriend and he doesn't feel pressured to try to be a good person around him. 

"Yeah. Sleeping with you is nice." he says, snuggling more onto Seokwoo. 

"Open invitation for round two or by sleeping you mean just sleeping?"

"I'm too tired for round two. Maybe we can do like, something tomorrow morning before leaving, if you're up for it." he replies. 

Seokwoo grins. 

"Always up for it, babe."

"I meant, just sleeping. You are like too tall but you don't take out that much space. And you're warm. And I don't hate having you around." 

"That's the nicest thing someone ever said to me." says Seokwoo. 

"Liar. Even I got plenty of "I love you"s and bullshit like that." replies Chanhee. 

"Yeah, but those were, as you said, bullshit. At least you're honest."

"How do you know that? Maybe I'll despise you." 

Chanhee is now curious, so he lifts his gaze to meet Seokwoo's.

"I can feel it. In every relatioship I had, I felt everything. Love is something you feel and well, I was never loved, or even just appreciated or well, tolerated. You tolerate me and you said exactly what I feel coming from you. It's nice. Really."

Chanhee knows what he's talking about. The constant bad feeling of being with someone that says they love you but they don't act accordingly. It leads you to think that maybe that's what you deserve, that's the kind of love you'll always get. The nonexistent one. 

"Yeah. It's like … a billion little things, maybe insignificant, but you feel it that something's not right."

"Them constantly being late or busy, hen they forget something important to you or when you ask for support and you receive nothing… that's why I thought my girlfriend stopped even liking me. Well I didn't like her anymore too, but I loved her, maybe? That made things complicated. She literally changed from a sweet girl to a bitch who bullies people at work just to not be left alone. Lame. Still, she treated me like shit and she even dumped me." tells him Seokwoo. 

Chanhee feels hatred toward the girl. She sounds like every ex he had: very self obsessed and too busy trying to be liked by everyone to stand by something. He still remebers one of them, the way he was always trying his best to cheer her upa and reply to her even when he was exausted from work and had an early morning the day after. She always went straight to bed when it was him that had a bad bay. 

"I read somehwere you should be glad to have a piace of garbage like her out of your life. I am somehow grateful to have my exes very far away from me. But still, it hurt and someday it still hurts." says Chanhee. 

"Yeah. I agree with you, like, the no more relationships thing? Absolutely. We should write it in our contract, no more relationships or falling in love unless they are decent."

"Well, in my case I'm the problem so …" Chanhee can't even finish to speak. 

"What?" 

Seokwoo looks at him like he's speaking nonsense. 

"Seokwoo." he uses his name, it feels weird but he kinda likes it. He had always used onorifcs before that night but when they are alone he likes using his name. Seokwoo is a very pretty name, and he almost never uses it, having a stage name and all that, "I am, objectively speaking. I don't like sex, I don't like cuddling, I don't like physical affection and sometimes I don't even like to talk, I don't reply to texts, I don't care about anyone but me and everything relationships related just feels like a burden 99% of the times. I am not made for love, okay?"

"That is nonsense. You met shitty people that lead you to believe that. Sex isn't everything, a relationship is something very different than having sex. We had sex and we're not together. A realtionship is not cuddling, texting, anything like that. That's not what love is." corrects him Seokwoo. 

"Then, since you know that much about love, what is it?"

Seokwoo stays silent for a while. 

"I don't know. I was never loved before, romantically speaking."

It's such a waste. Seokwoo makes the perfect boyfriend. Sure he talks a lot sometimes and likes boring things like reading and Hospital Playlist, but he's kind, he's gentle and well, very good in bed. Chanhee knows people like Seokwoo will eventually find the love of their lives. People who like cuddling and romance and always smile. 

People like Chanhee don't. Dark, twisted people like him are just destined to be alone, a parethesis of someone else's great love story. Maybe he'll be something like that to Seokwoo. 

"I… I feel a void sometimes, in my chest, when I think about that. It always gets bigger and I am afraid it will swallow me whole. But … it's okay. You'll be lov…" he tries to say to comfort Seokwoo, even if it's like making him feel weird, more alone, since Seokwoo someday will be happy and he won't, but he's stopped with a kiss on his lips. 

"I don't need that. Don't force yourself to comfort me. I'm not one of your girlfriends. I'm Seokwoo. I just … need to not feel alone. Knowing that I'm not the only one to feel the void inside of me. Just be you with me. It's all I need and it's more than enough."

Seokwoo kisses him again, and for a second the void inside of him stops getting bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a regular full time job now so i have weekends off and i don't really know what to do on days i don't have to work, so i wrote this


	4. 0.3

When they got (finally) back to Korea, they had a week off. Better, everyone had a week off but Chanhee since he had to film. So he’d been in the dorms alone, collapsing on the bed every single night. 

He doesn’t think of Seokwoo most of the time, being so busy and tired he hardly has time to brush his teeth. So, one night, when he’s barely awake laying on the bed and scrolling through his text, he’s surprised seeing one from Seokwoo. 

He opens it straight away. 

“hi. i’d really use some company (platonic). are u free to hang out anytime soon? pls i’m dying inside xx” 

Chanhee likes the fact there’s no fake “how are you” or things like that. He checks his schedule and notices he has a free afternoon in two days. He remembers he had planned to spend it sleeping, but it seems only fair to hang out with Seokwoo. He kinda owes him since he made him tea and they had that contract, but he kinda wants to hang out with him too. He’d spent days with only manager and staff and other actors he barely knows so it will be nice seeing a familiar face, and maybe complain a little about his life.

He text him back and despite it being super late, like three in the morning, Seokwoo replies straight away. 

“ur a lifesaver. there’s a new place a few blocks away from my house they make the best bread and pastries, are u down for it? i’m paying” 

He sent a link attached and Chanhee takes a look at the cafe. It seems nice and kinda posh. He likes it. 

“it seems nice. picking you up at 15, is it ok?” 

“ur the best, see u there. goodnight <3” 

Chanhee falls asleep with the phone on his chest, with the text message still open on it. 

The day he has to meet Seokwoo Chanhee goes through a life crisis. First, he looks like L from Death Note: bags under his eyes no make up could erase except the heavy one he uses on set that is definitely not suitable for an afternoon out, he had chosen his usual outfit, a white tee and blue jeans and white converse, now topped with a cardigan and fuzzy jacket since it’s winter, but the outfit is exactly like the one the detective wears in the anime. Second, what the hell was he thinking? Going to pick Seokwoo up like he’s some kind of girl? He had never picked someone up. He doesn’t know how to do it without feeling like an idiot: should he ask his driver to stop right in front of Seokwoo’s house? Should he walk a few blocks and get there on foot? He feels like an idiot. 

He decides for the second option, because he wants to walk to clear his head. Why is he being so paranoid? Like, it’s Seokwoo. He wouldn’t care less about his clothes or appearance he had seen him at his worst, with unwashed hair and sweatpants, why would he care now? And why would he care about the taxi too? He knows Chanhee doesn’t have a car. They live pretty much the same life so he’ll get it. 

Still, he feels nervous. He doesn’t know what to do when he arrives in front of Seokwoo’s home, a very nice house that looks exactly like Chanhee imagined, but thankfully Seokwoo runs outside the second he stops in front of the door. 

“Hi. Thank God. It’s so nice seeing you.” 

Seokwoo looks so different without hit and make up done. He looks ... prettier. Chanhee likes natural beauties more, he doesn’t like how the skin looks and feels after foundation and powder, he likes seeing the red of the cheeks, the little blue shadow around the eyes, the messy hair. Seokwoo looks perfect. 

He’s wearing a long coat, jeans with cuffs and a tee with a cardigan on top. Chanhee almost laughs since they are dressed almost identical. 

“Hi. What’s the matter?” 

Seokwoo stands there for a second, then he begins to walk and Chanhee has no choice but to follow him. 

“My sister and her stupid boyfriend. They’re getting married and everyone around me is so lovey dovey that I was seriously thinking about jumping from the window to end the pain. I hate couples. And I should be happy for her! And I’m really not he looks creepy and they’re getting married after like what, six months of relationship? How? I could never.» 

Chanhee thought about marrying someone he knew for six months only. Not happening, ever. Even the thought of getting married, to really believe that someone will be with him the rest of his life ... not realistic. People get tired so easily, he wouldn’t even trust the guy or the girl. 

He tells Seokwoo. 

“Exactly! How can you trust someone this easily? I never even trusted my last girlfriend. She probably cheated, I feel like she did. I wish I cheated too. She deserved it.” 

“You slept with me the night you two broke up. Maybe that counts." says Chanhee casually. 

“Well I should thank her for leading me to the best sex in my life. That’s the only decent thing she did for me. And right now she and the other shitty relationship that I had that made me unable to trust anything or anyone are ruining my family time. I’m upset. I’m sad. I want a cake.” 

Chanhee pats him on the shoulder. He kinda wants to leave his hand there, just because touching him is nice, but he shakes his head and puts quickly his hand back in his pocket. 

“They have like those magnificent cakes at the cafe. I want a pink one all for me. I always wanted to buy an entire cake by myself. And I’m paying for whatever you like. Anything. I swear to god you are my saviour.” 

Chanhee thinks about it. He doesn’t like sweets too much, and he surely can’t eat an entire cake. Maybe some cookies. 

“I’ll just have a snack, like cookies or whatever. And I want bubble tea.” 

“Anything. Just let me complain a bit more. I need to get it out of my chest.” 

Chanhee’s having fun. Like, real fun, not alcohol induced fun or fun due to the tv show or anime he’s watching. And it’s weird. 

Seokwoo really ordered a pink cake for himself and he’s aggressively eating it, talking with his mouth full and a hand in front of it to not let see everyone what he’s chewing. He let Chanhee taste it, feeding him with his fork and Chanhee felt his cheeks burning when he did so, even if Seokwoo did because “that is seriously amazing you should try it come on tell me something about it isn’t it delicious?”. 

Chanhee had a cookie and a cupcake and he’s halfway through his second bubble tea, since he has a bit of a sore throat talking this much. 

He talked and it’s so strange because he never really talks on social gatherings or even with his closest friends. He thought his time with Seokwoo would have been only the guy ranting about his sister and love but it ended up being them kinda talking about everything, to their past relationships to tv shows that give you unrealistic expectations - Seokwoo mentioned Pride and Prejudice and Chanhee Bleach and Seokwoo had to google what Bleach was and Chanhee explained to him why Ichigo and Orihime were meant to each other - and they ended up gossiping about their colleagues. 

Chanhee is laughing so hard his stomach hurts. Seokwoo just did the perfect impression of Youngbin when he were trying scolding and Chanhee can’t hold it anymore, he is almost crying while laughing. 

Seokwoo is laughing too, almost done with his cake and everything feels so nice that when someone says a polite “sorry” Chanhee almost gets mad. 

It’s the waitress, a girl maybe Chanhee’s age, that is looking at them quite embarrassed. 

“Sorry ... sorry again. We’re closing so ...” 

Oh. Chanhee looks outside and notices that it’s dark now. They spent hours in that cafe and it felt like bare seconds. He’s almost pissed that he couldn’t feel time passing by: he could’ve enjoyed it more, treasure it more. 

“Yeah, sorry. Can I have this leftovers packed please? And then we’ll be on our way, we lost track of time.” says Seokwoo and while the girl takes his almost full eaten cake and Chanhee’s empty plate and bubble yea cup, he looks directly at Chanhee. He’s staring and Chanhee feels his cheeks burning again. 

He has always had super pink cheeks, no one really knows besides his family and close friends he always wear make up while working and it conceals everything, but he always blushes. He blushed because he’s cold, because he’s embarrassed and apparently because of Seokwoo. 

“Sorry, it’s super late. I wish I can invite you to dinner at my house but the rat my sister is marrying is treating my family to dinner tonight. Hope he’ll choke on his food.” 

Chanhee would have declined anyways. He feels a bit uneasy, knowing Seokwoo’s family. It’s weird, they’ve slept together multiple times and he can’t meet his family as “his friend”. They aren’t friends. Chanhee doesn’t have any friends. 

Well, maybe they’ll become friends with the contract. Sure, the mutual spending time together is a rule but Chanhee really enjoyed doing Seokwoo the favor of spending time with him. He liked it. He liked everything they did, even if they just had sex, kinda cuddled and hung out once. 

He’d like to be Seokwoo’s friend maybe. 

Chanhee sucks at relationships and he kinda sucks at being a friend too. The only friend he had were coworkers or people that tried to get close to him because he was famous, and they always ended up leaving him or if they are still in touch, they only burden him with their problems and he feels so bad and drained after giving them advice or support that he stopped replying to their texts. 

He doesn’t feel drained with Seokwoo, and that’s the big difference. They are familiar with each other, they do the same work and they know the same people, so there’s plenty of topics for their conversations. He likes when Seokwoo talks about people he doesn’t know or situation he’s not familiar with, or even his private life. He likes talking about his stuff with him too. Seokwoo isn’t nosy or uninterested: he listens, he’s actually a very good listener, and he’s always honest. Not that Chanhee really talked to him about his problems, he just told him how he feels about sex and relationships but it was surprisingly nice and even liberating seeing that Seokwoo tried to understand and even related to him on a certain level. 

So maybe, they could be friends. That would be nice, going out like this. 

Chanhee thinks that leaving the cafe, walking Seokwoo’s home without even having to talk about it. They walk in silence, Seokwoo with a bag with his leftovers and it’s freezing, Chanhee puts his hands in his pockets and tries to use the collar of his jacket as a scarf, but he’s still cold. 

Seokwoo seems to not mind the cold, he walks beside him, head up, his breath making tiny clouds in the evening air. 

“What are you looking at?” 

“The sky. You can’t see stars but you can pretend the planes passing by are stars. Well, I think planes are a very much happier thing to look at than stars. Airports are always places that cheer me up and I love travelling. So when I see a plane I always think that it’s full of people going to an adventure or back home. It’s nice.” 

Chanhee finds it almost ironic. 

“We almost only travel for work.” 

“Yeah, but it’s exciting. When you go to a new place it’s like ... I don’t know. You can do things you usually can’t do in your hometown. You can find things you can’t find at home.” 

Chanhee almost wants to say “like sleeping with me” but actually they could’ve slept together anytime in their four years of working together and they were acquaintances in their training days, and he doesn’t want to remind him about that. Maybe Seokwoo will be uncomfortable since they spent such a nice afternoon as almost friends. He stops walking, being left behind a little by Seokwoo who doesn’t notice, trying to shake the thought off his head. 

So Chanhee’s really surprised when Seokwoo goes on with his talk. 

“Like, the last time I found you.” 

Seokwoo turns around and it’s almost like they are in a drama. The streetlight behind him, his smile, Chanhee feels his heart racing, in a totally different way than the one he’s used to. 

His heart beats fast when he’s scared, when he’s stressed or afraid. It never races for someone else. And it never races this way, in a way that has nothing to do with fear. 

“What ...” he manages to say. 

“Well, we weren’t exactly friends before, right? You never liked me. I liked you, tho. And I’m so happy we got closer and I have you now, and you got me as well. It won’t be like ... super normal, but it’s nice not being alone anymore.” 

Chanhee isn’t cold anymore, his cheeks now burn with heat. He doesn’t reply, he just walks with Seokwoo, what doesn’t say anything as well but the silence sint heavy. 

He knows Seokwoo can understand him. 

He wants to reciprocate too, because he’s happy too and he wants Seokwoo to fell that. He looks at him, a quick glare to not be noticed, and he thinks he can maybe hold his hand. 

No, that’s stupid. Someone can recognise them and make a huge fuss over nothing. But he’d like to. He’d like holding Seokwoo’s hand a lot. 

He always loved hand holding, but he rarely did with his girlfriends. It was too risky and sometimes uncomfortable. But Chanhee had always liked the idea of having someone’s hand in his, keeping him there, keeping him close. He felt safer, and wanted. 

He asks himself how would it feel, holding Seokwoo’s hand. Probably nice because everything feels nice with him. 

He wants it. 

He wants it more than everything he has ever wanted, more than sex with him, more than sleeping when he’s tired, more than food during pre promotions when he is always on a diet. 

But he can’t. 

They stop in front of Seokwoo’s house, a bit awkward with each other since Chanhee has to call a cab and Seokwoo is kinda waiting for it to arrive. 

“Thanks for today. I mean it.” says Seokwoo. 

“I had fun” replies Chanhee, lifting his eyes from his phone to see Seokwoo staring at him. 

Next thing he knows he’s pressed into the wall and Seokwoo is kissing him passionately almost lifting him in order to have a better access. 

Chanhee’s chest feels on fire, while he’s kissing him back and putting his hands in Seokwoo’s hair, gently pulling it the way he likes it. 

Seokwoo moans at the exact time Chanhee’s phone vibrates to tell him that his driver is near. 

“Come to the dorms later.” he hears himself saying. 

What has gotten into him? He’s not that kind of guy. But he wants him. 

“Gladly.” 

Chanhee ended up having instant ramen for dinner. He ate it watching some random Netflix show, looking at his phone to see if Seokwoo texted. 

He told him he’d be there as soon as his family dinner will be over but Chanhee feels like he’s waiting for ages. He checks his phone and it’s been just two hours. 

He wanders around the empty apartment, he makes his bed, he tries to clean in room, he gives up because it’s too messy and he has to do the laundry since his dirty clothes are all piled up on a chair, then he tries to find something better to wear than his usual sweatpants and tee, but he gives up again since he really has nothing besides skinny jeans that are too much of a bother to get off and adidas sweats. 

He’s just thinking about doing something with his hair, since he just washed it and let it dry while he was eating so he looks like a mess when he hears his phone. 

He runs to it and his heart races again seeing Seokwoo’s name. 

“omw, i’ll be there in 5.” 

The longest five minutes of Chanhee’s life but when he hears the door opening - Seokwoo lives in another dorm but he has a spare, everyone has a spare of their own dorm and the other one just in case- he literally runs to it. 

Seokwoo’s there, nose and ears red from the cold hair outside. 

Chanhee kisses him not leaving him time to do anything, not even to get off his coat. 

He can feel Seokwoo smiling in the kiss, his cold hands gently cupping his cheeks and Chanhee shivers because everything is good, everything is perfect. 

He leads him to his room, heart still beating fast in his chest. He takes Seokwoo’s hand and it’s almost electrifying. 

“I wanted to do that, today.” he confesses closing the door behind them. 

“What? Kissing me? Having sex?” asks Seokwoo, putting his arms around him and moving slowly to the bed, where he sits with Chanhee on his lap, facing him. 

“Holding hands.” says Chanhee, feeling a bit like an idiot for having such a silly desire. 

“I would have loved it too. Let’s do it next time you feel like it.” 

Seokwoo grabs Chanhee’s hand, intertwining their fingers and he kisses him, then he smiles and kisses him again. 

Chanhee wants to say something. Like a “thank you” or anything, to make Seokwoo feel he’s grateful that he didn’t make him feel like an idiot and also that he wants to hold hands and hanging out and sleeping with him and he’s so nice and kind about everything. But he doesn’t know how, and he’s afraid of too many things. 

Too many to think about while Seokwoo is laying on his bed, still with his coat on, red and glossy lips and messy hair, waiting for Chanhee to go back kissing him. 

So he does, swallowing his words and his fears, drowning all that into their embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where i live there’s full lockdown, i spend all my days working and writing this, no jokes, i need a new tv show to watch
> 
> btw i made a new twitter account, i’m ewsbd hope it will last more than my last one ..


	5. 0.4

They haven’t really seen each other since that night. It’s been almost two weeks, not that Chanhee’s counting. 

They are both busy with schedules and Chanhee has barely time to sleep. Still, sometimes before bed, or when he’s brushing his teeth, he looks at his phone, asking himself if maybe he can text Seokwoo. 

He never does. 

Seokwoo texted him twice. The first one was a rant against one of his colleagues who was rude to the staff and it made Seokwoo super mad since he’s the kind of guy who is always nice to people working for him. Chanhee is too, but in a different way: if Seokwoo is warm and nice Chanhee always seems cold and distant, even if he’s polite.

The second one was a picture from the beach. He just wrote “i wanted to share it with someone”. 

Chanhee left him on read, but he felt almost happy the entire day. 

It’s a rule between them: it’s not mandatory to reply, expecially for Chanhee who is really bad at texting. If the text isn’t something that requires an answer they can leave each other on read. 

Chanhee feels really comfortable with this rule. He somehow always felt bad with texting: he‘s uncomfortable carrying out a conversation if it sounds forced and he feels somehow guilty leaving people on read. He feels like he’s unable to text, and that’s a pretty big flaw for a 20 years old who can’t really go out and make friends like him. 

Seokwoo told him he‘s the opposite. He is an oversharer so he kinda text a lot, too much usually. So people get annoyed and the brush him off or never give him attention, not even reading what he wrote. 

Chanhee, when Seokwoo texted him about his colleague, made sure of replying to him covering everything he told him and he even added a few suggestions on how he can annoy him to get revenge. 

He liked it. It was kinda required by their contract but he had fun reading about Seokwoo being mad at his colleague, Seokwoo is super fun when he’s mad. The best thing was when Seokwoo replied with a voice message and it was even funnier: Seokwoo has a very expressive voice and that made his curses even better. 

But now it’s been days and Seokwoo never texted. 

Chanhee knows that he’s busy and that he can also text him, but he maybe it will bother him. Chanhee always feels like a bother when he has to text people for something not sto you necessary. He asks himself “why should I do that? They don’t care.” So he never does. 

But he thinks about it. He thinks about texting Seokwoo a lot. When he’s okay, he thinks about sending him a picture of the cakes they send him at work because Seokwoo loves cakes, or telling him about that time when he ate with Jaeyoon in the kitchen and Jaeyoon managed to blow up a bottle of coke. When he’s sad, he thinks about texting Seokwoo to come over, to hug him and kiss him and tell him everything is gonna be alright. He knows Seokwoo would do it: they have a contract. But it’s pathetic: he can’t even manage to get someone to care about him genuinely. So he never does. 

It happens when he’s least expecting it. 

He’s having bubble tea in the car on his way to work and he almost chokes on the tapioca pearls when he sees his phone ringing and Seokwoo’s name on display. 

His heart races, and while he‘s still coughing he picks up the phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi ...” Seokwoo’s voice is unusually low and gloomy, Chanhee adjust immediately his phone on his ear, eyes widening, “sorry to bother and I know you are busy, but if you have like a spare hour, can you come to my set? It has been a shitty day and ...” 

“Stop the car.” says Chanhee to his driver. 

He’s with his manager and his manager is so gonna hate him. 

“I’m coming” he whispers to Seokwoo then he hangs up and he pretends to almost throw up. 

He holds his breath until he has tears coming from his eyes and his face is probably red, and when he starts breathing again his breath his heavy. 

His manager rushes to him just in time to see his worst face: all red, saliva coming out of his mouth - he did that on purpose - and heavy breath. 

Chanhee is a very good actor, when he wants to. He usually never bothers unless he’s on set, he never makes an effort on Music Core or on variety show to not look like he’d rather be asleep, but he knows how to pretend to be pretty much anything in a way no one can tell he’s faking it. 

Not even his manager.

He rarely pretends he’s sick. He’d have to finish work sooner or later so it’s better end it up as quickly as possible. He only did it a few times, when he absolutely had to skip work: usually it was for watching some crucial anime episode that was coming out that day. His manager could never tell he’s faking it. 

“What? You were fine a minute ago. I told you to not drink that stuff in the car.” ha says to him. 

Chanhee coughs on him with zero regrets. 

“Oh, fuck. How do you feel?” 

“I feel like throwing up. I may have caught something, like stomach flu.” 

His manager steps away. 

He’s very scared of getting sick, he’s almost an hypochondriac and that’s definitely a bonus. 

Chanhee keeps going with his act, putting a hand on his mouth and blows out his cheeks. 

His manager looks horrified. 

“Get in the car. You can’t work like this. Go straight to the dorms and stay in your room alone. I’ll cancel your schedule for today.” 

Is it really that easy? 

It is. Chanhee went to the dorms, he pretended to get there but as soon as the manager went away he called a cab and in five minutes he was already on his way. He texted Seokwoo he’ll be there soon and he received an insane amount of heart emoji that made his own heart beat so fast it felt like his chest could explode. 

So right now he’s there, waiting for Seokwoo or more likely to some staff to get him and lead him to Seokwoo’s dressing room. 

They’re filming in the studio, so it’s pretty easy for him telling people that he’s there for Seokwoo and wait for someone to bring him to where he is. Most people remembers him as “Woojoo” and he even said hello to the few familiar faces. 

One of Seokwoo’s assistants collects him and leads him to his dressing room, telling him Seokwoo has like half an hour before he has to adjust his make up for starting shooting again. He tells him Seokwoo’s resting, and when Chanhee goes in Seokwoo is laying in the couch, an arm over his eyes. 

“Hi” murmurs Chanhee, unsure if he’s sleeping or not. 

“Chanhee.” 

Seokwoo rolls over, so he’s now looking at him. His eye make up is a mess and he doesn’t even try to hide that he’s been crying. 

Chanhee gets closer to him, unsure about what to do: does he need to comfort him? Maybe they can hug or maybe Seokwoo doesn’t want physical contact. Maybe Chanhee can ask him what’s wrong and they could talk if Seokwoo is in the mood. 

He can’t do anything though, because when he gets close to the couch Seokwoo kinda hugs him, he hugs him the way someone sitting can hug someone else who’s standing, so his face is buried in Chanhee’s tummy and his make up or probably going to be ruined staining permanently Chanhee’s sweater. 

“Thank you. I don’t know how you got there but thank you. It’s been a really shitty day.” 

Chanhee pets his hair. 

“Why?” he asks. 

“I mean ... I feel like I’m never good enough. Today I couldn’t shoot properly and I even forgot the lines and it sounds stupid but I hate shooting romance drama because when they are decent it makes me feel so alone. Nobody would care like this about me.” 

Chanhee pets his hair more, then he lowers himself, on his knees, to hug Seokwoo properly. He holds him close, hoping that he can feel at least a bit reassured in his arms. 

He doesn’t know what has gotten into him when he kisses Seokwoo. It’s not the right time and it’s not like Seokwoo needs to be kissed by someone he doesn’t like. He’s very surprise when Seokwoo puts a hand on the back of his neck and kisses him back. 

“It’s so hard. Why am I always not good enough? Why can’t I be normal? What is wrong with me?” 

Seokwoo is probably having a mental breakdown. It happens, especially to busy people like idols, it happened to Chanhee as well few times and he usually cried himself to sleep alone in his room. He had no one to call anyways. 

And he realises, for Seokwoo it had been the same: he had no one to call. It’s weird because unlike Chanhee Seokwoo has friends and he has an older sister, too. Not that Chanhee can cry on the phone with his twelve years old brother. 

“You are perfect.” he replies to Seokwoo and he really means that, “I know that you feel alone but you are loved and everyone thinks you are the best. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way. Everyone feels alone.” 

And someone, like me, he thinks, is really alone, and that’s okay as well. 

“I am not. People love me because they think I’m pretty, because I always smile and I am polite, they love me because I’m famous and unproblematic and that’s all a lie. I am not like this. I am not happy. This is the real me. I cry in my dressing room and ruin my make up and eat entire cakes. And no one can even remotely like me.” says Seokwoo. 

“Juho does. You two are best friends. And you have many other friends and ...” 

“... and everyone doesn’t get me. And everyone has such a perfect life and people that hold them when they are sad and I usually hug a ridiculous plush because I have no one. Well I had my exes but they always left me alone and I felt even worse and now you’ll hate me because you skipped work because of me and I am just sad and I can’t be sad like normal people I get this sad and I feel like I can’t do anything and I feel like dying and ...” 

“It’s okay. Sometimes I feel like this too. Even getting out of bed is hard. It’s okay. Soon you’ll get better.” he tries to comfort him. 

Seokwoo looks at him, clearly not trusting him. 

“Why?” 

“Because I’ll be there until it goes away.” says Chanhee, sitting on the floor in demonstration. 

He doesn’t know why he’s doing it. Maybe because he’d like to have someone who stays too, when he’s sad. No one ever did that. 

“What if it won’t ever go away?” asks Seokwoo. 

“Then you’ll be stuck with me forever.” 

And that’s when Chanhee realises he won’t mind if they’ll be forever like this. He knows it won’t be possible: they’ll grow up, Seokwoo will surely find someone and get married and have a family, maybe Chanhee too, just to not disappoint his parents, and they’ll stop with the contract thing. And he’ll miss it, because no one has ever got him like Seokwoo, no one is as fun to hang out with, no one’s kisses feel this good. 

But it can’t go on forever. And Chanhee has to learn to live without him, he has to learn not to get used to him because people leave, and he will be no exception. 

Still, when Seokwoo kisses him, he’s so grateful for that and he lets himself enjoy it while he kisses him back. It won’t last, and he knows and he will be prepared when it will be over. But he has full intention to stay until Seokwoo will need him. He had always stayed, it’s usually other people that leave him behind. And he has to remind himself, Seokwoo will make no exception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don’t get used to those fast updates, i’ll probably get back to my usual work schedule in a week *crying*


	6. 0.5

They kinda fell into a routine: Seokwoo’s shooting, so does Chanhee, but when they are free they usually hang out, sometimes they text and it’s always Seokwoo who text first, and when they aren’t too tired they sleep together.

Chanhee likes it. He likes especially when he goes to Seokwoo’s room and they cuddle on the bed or they watch something together, usually a movie or Bleach since they started it due to Seokwoo’s curiosity for Chanhee’s obsession about it. He likes how everything is always clean and tidy and how everything seems to scream “Seokwoo”. The books carefully put on the shelves in alphabetical order, his plush on the bed and his knitting work on the bedside table. Seokwoo’s making a scarf for him since he has always a sore throat and Chanhee never told him that it isn’t because of the cold, but because he really isn’t used to talk that much like he does with him. 

There were some not so amusing episodes too. Seokwoo had another mental breakdown and he cried himself to sleep in Chanhee’s arms, who cried wile tilt with him because he couldn’t do anything. 

They fought two times. 

The first one was when Seokwoo was feeling guilty because he let die the conversation with his ex. He and the girl agreed to remain friends even though it was just a facade: she had been really shitty towards him and Seokwoo is still paying the consequences of it. Chanhee told him he made a very good decision but Seokwoo was afraid that made him look like the “bad one”. 

Chanhee found it unbelievable. Seokwoo, who was always honest and loving and caring, being the “bad one” while his shitty girlfriend forgot his birthday and always showed up late to their dates, that was something no one could never think. But Seokwoo was worried about it and Chanhee was utterly pissed about the idea of him texting the girl again and they ended up having an argument and the yelled at each other and then they somehow ended heavily making out in Chanhee’s room. When they realised what they were doing, they laughed, the fight almost forgotten. 

And Seokwoo ended up never texting her again. 

The second fight was Chanhee’s fault. He worked too much without resting and ended up having a nosebleed at the bubble tea store where he went to Seokwoo. The blood wasn’t stopping and Seokwoo started to worry and wanted to take him to the hospital but Chanhee refused, they fought but Chanhee fainted - that part was told him by Seokwoo because he doesn’t remember - and he was taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with anemia and fatigue. 

Seokwoo stayed with him the entire time and even now he’s always making sure that Chanhee takes his vitamin supplements. 

They never talked about the fight they had but if they ever will, Chanhee will say that he’s sorry. He knows that Seokwoo was mad because he didn’t take care of himself, but at the time he just didn’t want to end their fun afternoon that way. 

He treasures his time with Seokwoo a lot. He always looks forward to the moment they will hang out, but he’s also happy if they spend time together in each other’s room, even though he likes Seokwoo’s more, wearing their pyjamas and watching something on their laptop. He also likes sleeping with him, like a lot. They don’t do it that often, because they can’t get caught and they are usually too tired to even think about it, but sometimes it happens and it just gets better and better. 

Chanhee likes they way everything feels with Seokwoo. He feels so normal. He feels like an ordinary boy that spends time with ... he doesn’t know what Seokwoo is to him, he hopes a friend, maybe, but he is surely someone dear to him. When they are together he doesn’t feel alone, or empty, or broken. And it’s new because he can’t exactly remember the last time he felt like this. 

Of course he doesn’t last when he’s alone. He’s still the broken boy that looks at everyone with gloomy eyes. But sometimes now he can feel like he’s not. 

He has to enjoy it while it lasts. 

He’s also preparing himself for when things will end: he’s sure to not rely on Seokwoo too much, to not take for granted that he will be there. He was even asking himself to try and maybe have a date with some girl or boy in the meantime when an old classmate texted him. 

She was in his class his last year of high school and she was planning out a reunion. It didn’t take long for Chanhee to realise that it was just an excuse to talk to him and she asked him shortly after to hang out. 

It was unsaid but it was clear that it was a date. 

Chanhee felt sick in his stomach texting her “yes”. 

He thought Seokwoo had changed him, that he didn’t hate dates and sex this much, but it turns out that he felt as repulsed as before, if not even more than before. 

It was clear the girl was trying to hit on him and she will maybe expect him to sleep with her and Chanhee felt like dying just imagining it. 

He didn’t want that. 

That is ridiculous for a twenty years old boy who is supposed to be horny all the time, but he felt so bad, almost sick, thinking about it. 

He wanted Seokwoo. With Seokwoo everything is nice. 

So that’s why he ended up calling him and telling him everything and they somehow slept together again. 

Seokwoo had to work so he left early, giving Chanhee who was still half asleep a goodbye kiss. It was a bit awkward probably since he knew about the date and everything and Chanhee went all clingy on him. He didn’t want him to leave and most importantly leave him alone with his thoughts and the date coming up. 

Seokwoo gently said he had to work and there was a moment where Chanhee, who was still grabbing his shirt and probably ruining it, hoped that Seokwoo will ask him not to go to the date. Which was, indeed, insane, since Seokwoo’s rooting for him and he surely wants the best for him which is not being alone with a surrogate of a relationship like they have. 

Of course Seokwoo didn’t say that. He stood in silence a bit, like he couldn’t find the words, then he just said “have fun today” and left. 

Chanhee curled up in a ball under the cover and slept more. 

It’s noon when he wakes up, his stomach growling and a weird sensation of heaviness all over his body. He goes to the kitchen, pours himself a glass of water and takes his supplements, hoping to feel better.

He’s wondering about what to do for lunch, he hates cooking and he doesn’t really crave for anything in particular, so maybe ordering some random food on his delivery app will do, when someone enters in the kitchen. 

It’s kinda common having someone there in the morning: they usually train at night and have schedules in the late morning or afternoon so their sleep schedule is kinda messy: if they sleep a normal amount of hours they do that from early morning to noon usually. 

Chanhee hears him and mutters a “hello” while still scrolling on his phone. 

“Hi.” 

Chanhee turns around to see Taeyang, his coworker, all sleepy trying to make himself a cup of coffe. 

“Wanna eat something together? I was about to order something so we can do it together.” 

Taeyang looks at him, eyes almost falling out of his skull from how much he’s widening them. 

“Jesus Lord, Chanhee, were you on a date yesterday or something?”

Chanhee feels immediately uneasy at the thought of his date later but he shooks his head. 

“No, it’s today.” 

He mentioned the date to a few of his coworkers since the topic came out while they were having dinner together. Seokwoo wasn’t there so Chanhee didn’t really talk but he decided to share it in attempt to make a conversation. Everyone congratulated him like it was a good thing and he felt bad for not being normal and being unable to enjoy things so it was a fail, but whatever. That’s why Taeyang knows. 

“And you wanna go to that date ... like this? Did you like ... I thought you were here last night not fucking some kind of vampire.” 

Well Chanhee was there last night, and he had sex, but since it was with Seokwoo he wasn’t exactly eager to share that with their colleague. 

“What? Of course I am not going like this I’m gonna put clothes on I don’t go out in my pyjamas .. and the vampire thing ... what?” 

Taeyang takes his phone, takes a close picture of Chanhee’s face and shows that to him. 

Well, it’s not his face, even if it seems worn out and Chanhee has blue circles around his eyes, it’s his neck. 

He has like an enormous hickey and something that if you look closely it’s definitely a bite sign. 

Fuck. 

Fucking Seokwoo. 

Well, it’s not uncommon for them to leave marks in each other, Chanhee himself gave Seokwoo a few love bites in his chest and thighs and a few bruises around his neck, it’s their thing and they both like having marks on them. Sometimes they have even scratches on their back, especially Seokwoo since Chanhee likes to have his nails a bit longer than the average male, but not like this. 

“Fuck. How the hell ... I mean I was distracted by ... I didn’t think it was gonna be like this ...” he says, more to himself than to Taeyang, “how the fuck I’m supposed to cover this by tonight ... that fucker knew that I have a date and ...” 

Taeyang giggles. 

“That fucker doesn’t clearly want your date to go well.” he says and Chanhee freezes. 

“What?” 

“The girl who did this to you, she knew you had a date and went so overboard to make sure to let everyone know that you were with her last night. It’s a bit primitive but I think she’s marking her territory.” 

The girl was actually Seokwoo, and that sounds ridiculous. Seokwoo couldn’t care less about Chanhee, not in a possessive way at least. 

“We’re not dating.”replies Chanhee. 

“I think she wants to. Or at least she’s very against you dating anyone else.” 

The fact is, Chanhee would like it if things that Taeyang is saying we re actually true. He’d like for Seokwoo to barge in the restaurant the date is set up with and grab his hand and run away with him. He would have liked early ed if Seokwoo would have told him “don’t go”. Because with Seokwoo everything is easy and everything feels light and fun and with everyone else it’s just scary and terrifying. 

He realises now, he wants Seokwoo to save him. And it’s not normal, it’s almost disgusting that a 20 years old male wants his almost friend to rescue him because he hates dates and he can’t deal with anything that involves a mature relationship between two adults. 

And he has no one to call, no one that will understand, except Seokwoo. But Seokwoo won’t save him, because Seokwoo is normal, Seokwoo thinks dates are a good thing and that they are good for Chanhee. 

And most importantly, Seokwoo doesn’t care if Chanhee hooks up with anyone or dates anyone. 

Seokwoo doesn’t care. It’s just pretending, what they have, to fill the void. 

“Chanhee? Are you okay?” asks Taeyang, since probably Chanhee looks like death. 

He isn’t okay at all, but he forces himself to nod. 

Chanhee actually walks a few blocks to the restaurant. It’s raining and it’s kinda dumb from him but he always like to walk listening to music when he’s nervous. He’s listening to his comfort playlist, but nothing helps. He keeps skipping Troye Sivan’s song and All of Me since they only make him sadder and he tries to get a grip on himself. 

Come on, Chanhee, be a man. 

But what does it mean? He has to go to the date, maybe screw the girl and then repeat until they’ll have a relationship? He feels sick. He feels used only thinking about it. 

Maybe that’s his problem, besides his almost non existent sexual attraction to anyone but occasionally Seokwoo,he can’t handle relationships in the adult way. He hates the dating part, he hates when someone tries to get to know him with a relationship in mind. Maybe it’s because he watched too many movies and too many animes, but he always thought relationships should bloom naturally and not like this: you shouldn’t get to know someone because you want to date him. 

Also, dates feel like a test to him: he always felt judged, like the person in front of him is valuing his ability as a future partner. He hates that. He doesn’t want that. 

But also, that’s how adults date. And he’s an adult and he has to act like one. So he has to go on that date, hate every single minute of it and hope that the girl will never text him again after that. 

He keeps his phone in his hand, which is very complicated while you’re holding an umbrella, and keeps looking at the screen, waiting for it to light up with a text. 

From the girl, who cancels the date. 

From Seokwoo. 

No, Seokwoo won’t text and he shouldn’t think about him in that situation. He shouldn’t hope for Taeyang’s words to be true, for Seokwoo to call him and say “don’t go”. It’s wrong. 

But he can’t help it. 

Even if when he’s in front of the restaurant and he stops to take a breath and master his courage to enter and have the worst time of his life, he hopes for Seokwoo to call him. 

Of course, he doesn’t. It’s not some kind of movie, where Seokwoo will be the hero and save the day last minute. 

Seokwoo doesn’t care. 

Chanhee breaths in and out. He straighten his shoulders and he makes he first step. 

Then someone grabs his wrist. 

It’s raining quite a lot and Chanhee turns out very pissed to whoever did that since his lower arm is now all wet but the person who grabbed him is totally soaked in rain. 

And most importantly, it’s Seokwoo. 

“What...? You are soaked.” he just manages to say. 

Isn’t Seokwoo supposed to be shooting now? Why isn’t he on set?Why is he here? And what does he want from him? 

“I came running. No time to find an umbrella.” he replies, his breath still short. 

Chanhee almost says something, something about him catching the flu or something, an idiotic thing to say but his brain can’t function anymore and Seokwoo speaks first. 

“Chanhee, don’t go” he says, and the whole world around him just stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i worked extra hours yesterday and i was too tired to finish the chapter but here it is and i hope you enjoyed it! i really need to find a hobby besides working, this and online shopping hahah 
> 
> thank you to everyone who left me a comment i love so much reading them and also thank you to everyone who reads this ♡︎ i wish to all of you the best and good luck with your studying/working ♡︎♡︎


	7. 0.6

They ended up in a hotel. It seemed like a good idea to Chanhee, since Seokwoo was soaked and looked like he could faint anytime. Also, in a hotel they could have privacy, something they’ll won’t get that easily at the dorms. 

Chanhee expected that Seokwoo had something to say to him. He almost barged into his date and he asked him to not to go.

Chanhee never wanted to do it was so relieving having someone giving him an excuse to text her that he was sorry but something urgent came up so he couldn’t go. 

It was ... something else, though, that something urgent being Seokwoo. 

They went into their hotel room, Seokwoo took a shower and put on a bathrobe and they ended up curled up into each other on the bed. 

There was no kiss, not even a proper hug. They were just laying very close, Seokwoo’s head on Chanhee’s chest. 

He looked so tired, and Chanhee was so happy to have escaped the date and to be now with Seokwoo that he couldn’t stop petting his hair and caressing his face, not even bothering to hide his smile. 

“I’m sorry” said Seokwoo. 

“Don’t” replied Chanhee. 

He waited a couple of seconds, cuddling up Seokwoo more, almost afraid of the question that popped out in his mind. 

“Why did you do that?” he asked after a brief silence. 

But Seokwoo was already asleep. 

Not that Chanhee minded. He cuddled him a bit more until he eventually fell asleep too. He was so happy and relieved, he still is now, waking up, even if he’s still clothed since he had no pyjamas with him or even had time to undress properly, and he feels just so good, at least for the first five seconds that he’s awake. 

When his eyes meet Seokwoo’s, who’s still in his bathrobe and holding his still not fully dried jeans, his happiness vanishes. 

Seokwoo looks at him with such a sad and guilty face that Chanhee is sure he’s about to end everything. 

Sure, things went too far. They never talked about that but it was obvious they could have dates and have sex and romantic stuff with other people so Seokwoo went kinda overboard. 

But Chanhee liked it, Chanhee wanted that too and he’s not regretting at all that he spent the night sleeping with Seokwoo instead of being at the date. 

But maybe Seokwoo is regretting is now and maybe he’s afraid that Chanhee will do the same and try to ruin his dates, and he won’t be happy about that since Seokwoo is normal and likes dating. 

Chanhee feels his throat closing, and it becomes so hard to breath. 

It’s happening. 

And he feels so stupid for ever being this happy, for thinking that for once he could have something that makes him happy and warm. He should’ve known. Happiness is not something meant for him. 

“About last night ... I’m sorry. I know I acted insane and it was very toxic from me messing up your love life ... I was jealous. I don’t wanna lose you. I know that’s not what we agreed on, but I just didn’t want you to ... to leave me. I know it’s selfish and it won’t happen again and I’ll fully understand if you wanna distance yourself from me I’m really aware that I can’t tell you what to do and ...” 

Chanhee feels like he can breath again. 

So that’s all? Seokwoo thinks that he did something wrong? It wasn’t at all, not to Chanhee. It was perfect. It was one of the best things in his life. 

“I didn’t wanna go. I hated the idea. I’m not mad. And I’m not leaving.” he says. 

Seokwoo looks at him analysing every single part of his face like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. 

“I know how you feel about dates but it was your choice, not mine. And it’s totally selfish from me not wanting you to date. We agreed to help each other, not to ...” 

“You helped me.” interrupts him Chanhee.

“But ...” 

“And I think I don’t want that too. I mean, I don’t want you to date anyone.” adds Chanhee. 

It’s very selfish, and he knows that. But he feels ... bad, when he thinks that someday Seokwoo will date someone and will be in love with someone. He knows it would happen someday and it wasn’t much of a problem but thinking about it recently made him very upset. He once thought that maybe he’ll like when Seokwoo will date someone if that someone will be himself but he discarded the thought quickly. 

Seokwoo won’t surely waste his time dating someone like him. 

Still, he doesn’t want him to date anyone else. He knows he has to deal with that sooner or later, so he had never even thought to tell Seokwoo or act accordingly, even though Seokwoo never showed interest in anyone when he was with him and never had a date during their sort of relationship. But right now Seokwoo told him that and Chanhee wants to reassure him that’s okay and the feeling is mutual. 

“What?” 

Seokwoo looks shocked. 

“I know it’s a bit toxic from me. Of course I’d never do something to forbid you to date any...” 

A kiss on the lips stops his talking. 

“I don’t care. I don’t want anyone but you.” says Seokwoo and kisses him again. 

And Chanhee hopes.

It’s the first time in a while that he indulges on being positive about something. But maybe Seokwoo ... maybe Seokwoo likes him. 

It’s just a second, of course, then he realises Seokwoo won’t ever, not in a million years, like someone like him but that’s all it takes. 

His heart starts to beat like crazy and he almost doesn’t reciprocate Seokwoo’s kissing. He wants that. He wants Seokwoo to like him. He wants Seokwoo to like him as a man, as his man. As a boyfriend. 

Chanhee never wanted a boyfriend. He sometimes wanted a girlfriend, even though he had always thought he was attracted to boys as well, just to have someone by his side that will give him affection and someone to talk to. He never wanted anyone in particular, he just transferred those expectations to the people that he was dating and ended up disappointed. 

Right now he wants Seokwoo. He wants exactly what they have now, but for real. As boyfriends. He wants Seokwoo to be in love with him. Not because he wants someone, because he wants him. He wants the Seokwoo who watches boring movies about some english people falling in love in 1800 wearing ridiculous clothes. He wants the Seokwoo who can stress eat a whole cake by himself. He wants the Seokwoo who cries in dressing rooms because he doesn’t feel good enough. He wants all of him. 

Of course, he can’t. 

Seokwoo won’t ever, not in a million years, like him that way. Chanhee is plain and gloomy and also he ruins everything that he touches. 

So it’s probably the best for both of them if he keeps his feelings to himself and ignores them. One day Seokwoo will find someone and everything will be over. And Chanhee ... well, he doesn’t think he will be able to like anyone else like Seokwoo. He never did, and he’s sure he never will. 

Well, at least he’s normal and he can feel something, on the bright side. But he’d like not to. He’ll ruin everything. So he needs to conceal everything, even if it’s so hard with Seokwoo kissing him right now and holding him so gently that Chanhee feels so precious and loved. 

He has to remind himself that it’s all fake. 

“So...” murmurs Seokwoo in his ear, and Chanhee shivers, “now we ...” 

Seokwoo hesitates a bit, like he’s afraid to say something. 

“Now we’re ... exclusive, right?” he finally says, and then kissed Chanhee’s cheek. 

Chanhee turns to him, trying his best to look at him right in the eyes. He doesn’t want to seem any different, or let Seokwoo know that he has feelings for him. He regulates his breath, making sure it’s nice and slow and forced himself to look at him with his best neutral expression. 

He has his acting teachers to thank if he manages to not ruin everything right now.

“Right. I’ll update the contract tonight.” 

“The ... contract?” asks Seokwoo, seeming a bit confused. 

“Yeah. I mean it’s a pretty important thing that we are exclusive so I think it’s better to write it down. Of course if you wanna change that you just have to tell me ...” 

Seokwoo for a brief second looks down, like he’s almost disappointed, but maybe it’s just Chanhee’s imagination. Well, surely it is. 

“Yeah” he finally says. 

Chanhee tries his best to act normal. He kisses Seokwoo trying to not be too passionate but it’s Seokwoo that kisses him almost desperately. 

That’s what Chanhee can have from him. Kisses that means nothing, no matter how loving and passionate they may seem. He has to get used to it. He has to swallow his feelings before he ruins everything. And he knows it’s just a matter of time: he surely will. That’s all he does, ruining perfect things. 

But right now, he just wants to forget about everything but Seokwoo. He knows someday he will end up crying while Seokwoo will be doing this to someone else, someone he loves, but right now he just wants to lie to himself. He just wants to pretend that Seokwoo loves him, and he kisses him and touches him because he has feelings for him. He just wants to believe that for a while, then let go for good. If he’ll ever be able to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it it’s short but i wanted the chapter to end like this since it’s like end of part 1 of this fic! of course there will be more, hopefully soon but i still don’t know what will happen with my work schedule. i wish you all a great weekend ♡︎


	8. 0.7

Having feelings it’s the worst. Not always, like, when Seokwoo is sweet to him or he kisses him or it’s just with him everything feels amazing because Chanhee us so good about lying to himself and pretending that the time they spend together is meaningful for the both of them, but when Seokwoo isn’t there everything is so hard. 

It has never been like this with anyone else. 

Chanhee misses him. It’s like he can’t even rest if he’s not around. He’s constantly waiting for him to text, and all the time he spends apart from him it’s just meaningless: it’s just a countdown until he’ll see Seokwoo again. 

He also found himself looking at photos of him from time to time, when no one can ask why he’s contemplating a picture of his coworker. He started taking them randomly, when Seokwoo is distracted. He’s so different in that picture, they can’t compare to his photoshoots or even the selcas he takes for work. Those picture are pictures of “his” Seokwoo: Seokwoo with no make up and messy hair, Seokwoo sleeping with his mouth half open, Seokwoo crying for the movie they’re watching together. 

Chanhee knows it’s creepy to look at those photos and kinda contemplate him as he’s some kind of art or something, remembering the exact moment when he took these and wishing he could go back. 

There aren’t pictures of the two of them together. Seokwoo took a few, but Chanhee never asked him to send those. He doesn’t want to have them, when it will all end he doesn’t want to go through his gallery and delete photos like he always did with his girlfriends in the past. There will be only Seokwoo, because the two of them together never really existed. 

It’s just hard to remember that sometimes. 

Seokwoo just ended filming and they all started preparing for comeback that meant they spent more time together, obviously work time but still, Chanhee could see him and talk to him and a couple of time they even kissed in the empty practice room. 

When they had a free afternoon or evening or just any free time at the same time they went outside together. Chanhee never liked too much wandering around the city or eating out, sometimes people spotted him and he always felt uneasy, but with Seokwoo it’s fun no matter how many times people recognise them. 

They actually don’t as much as Chanhee expected, being Seokwoo so tall that he stands out everywhere they go: they take less crowded roads if they want to walk - Seokwoo kinda went along with the love that Chanhee has for walking to places and if the street was empty and it was super dark sometimes they even dared to hold hands - or they just take a cab that drops them exactly in front of their destination, where they usually reserve a private table to not be bothered by anyone. 

Those times didn’t increase even if Seokwoo is not shooting anymore: they have to prepare songs and choreographies and also they can’t eat out too much because they have to follow a diet plan. 

Seokwoo already lost so much weight due to his drama and Chanhee doesn’t like it. He can tell, seeing him without his clothes, so he’s more than happy to give him a reason to have a cheat day. And also having one for himself, even though his diet plan is not so strict: he was born skinny, like really skinny, and he doesn’t really gain much weight even if he eats a lot. 

The worrying thing is also new: he never really cared about his girlfriends. He asked them about their day or about things that he knew concerned them but without being really invested in the topic. It was really heartless from him and he knows he’s a terrible person for having had such feelings but usually they were even worse. 

With Seokwoo, he’s constantly worried: does he eat well? Does he sleeps enough? Is he tired? Is he happy? Does he need anything? 

He even started texting him first to know how he is. Seokwoo always replies with a ton of heart emojis and Chanhee’s heart races everytime he sees one, even though they don’t mean anything. They’re just emojis but he likes to pretend that they mean that Seokwoo likes him at least a little. 

They also started sleeping at each other’s places more than usual. It isn’t just for having sex like it was at the beginning, one night Seokwoo knocked at Chanhee’s door, asking if he could sleep, just sleep, with him since he was feeling lonely. And since then things escalated and half of Chanhee’s drawer is full of Seokwoo’s clothes and vice versa and they keep a spare toothbrush in the other’s dorm, just in case. And they just hang with each other in one of their rooms if they have some spare hours. 

Like now, Chanhee’s playing with a Nintendo Switch that doesn’t belong to him, back on the side of the bed where Seokwoo’s reading something on his e-reader for university. Seokwoo has a hand under Chanhee’s shirt, caressing his skin distractedly, and everything feels so nice. 

Chanhee never liked physical contact too much, but Seokwoo does and with him, he does too. Seokwoo has always a hand on him, sometimes even in public, if they are sitting next to each other he has a hand on his knee or thigh. That’s maybe Chanhee’s favorite thing, him being so touchy. He feels so aware of his presence even if they’re not talking and they are both busy with something else like they are now. 

He lets out a sigh, putting the console down and grabbing Seokwoo’s arm to kiss it. 

“Baby? What’s wrong?” asks Seokwoo, rolling on his stomach to look directly at him. 

The pet names also increased a lot. There is almost no more “Chanhee”: when they are alone Chanhee to Seokwoo is “baby” or “babe” or any pet name that comes to his mind. Even Chanhee, who actually despised pet names, started calling Seokwoo by them and enjoying it while he did that to him. 

“Nothing, it’s just nice.” he replies. 

Seokwoo kisses him on the lips. 

“My baby boy. You look so pretty today.” he says, kissing the tip of his nose and his forehead. 

Chanhee climbs on the bed, and Seokwoo rolls over to give him space and in a second they’re laying next to each other, kissing and holding hands. 

Chanhee presses himself onto Seokwoo, hugging him tight while they kiss. 

“You are so cute, you are perfect. My baby.” says Seokwoo. 

Chanhee snuggles into him more. That’s what he loves the most: when they are together like this and Seokwoo’s saying to him that he’s beautiful and it feels all so real. 

Of course, if it was real it won’t be like this. Chanhee’s relationships all were so uncomfortable and loveless, almost the exact opposite of what he has with Seokwoo, where he feels at ease and so cared for. Of course, it’s because it’s a lie but right now he doesn’t really mind. 

There’s something that is not a lie: his feelings. Those are real, authentic, strong as Chanhee never thought they would be. They almost flew out of his lips. 

“I love you”. 

It’s the first time Chanhee is in love with someone, he’s sure about it. It’s the first time he feels the urge to tell someone he loves them, not because he wants to know if they reciprocate or because he feels like he has to. He wants to tell him because he deserves it, Seokwoo is amazing and he only deserves love. 

Of course, Chanhee’s love won’t be enough.

But he loves him, still. He loves him so much, he’s in love with him, and it’s probably going on for a while. And it won’t stop. Not if he keeps finding comfort in his arms like this. 

He loves him, and it’s the worst thing he can do, since Seokwoo deserves better and that will ruin everything even more. He doesn’t just like him. He’s in love with him. 

And he has to stop it before he loses him. 

Chanhee had to postpone the thing because of the comeback. They worked non stop and it was so stressing that he got nosebleeds again, luckily never on camera or on stage. And okay, it was particularly nice having Seokwoo besides him and sharing the bed with him every night, it made everything better. And worse, since Chanhee could feel his love for him grow a bit everyday with every act of kindness, every kiss and every hug. That was a huge problem but he was so busy that he hadn’t even the time to think properly.

He can think now, on their first night off since promotions just ended. They’re having a celebratory dinner with all the staff and managers and the mood is so good. 

Chanhee sits beside Seokwoo and eats slowly, like he’s used to, enjoying the fact he’s finally done and then he thinks that probably he can sleep with Seokwoo that night since they’ll be probably all too drunk to notice them casually going in the wrong room. Not like they noticed that, when everyone was in their room during promotion, Seokwoo or Chanhee, but mostly Seokwoo, went to the other dorm since they always slept together. 

Chanhee is still thinking about tonight, about how warm and cozy will be being in Seokwoo’s arm, when he realises that he has to stop. He’s having dinner with his coworkers and him and he’s lost daydreaming about them being together. 

He can’t go on like that, giving Seokwoo so much space and power over him. His mood now almost entirely depends on him: if he’s happy and healthy Chanhee is fine, but he worries to death when Seokwoo is not okay. He’s happy when he’s with Seokwoo and he’s blue when he doesn’t. 

He can’t. 

His feelings will only ruin everything. But he can’t help, he’s in love. He hates that, he hates that his brain thinks like he can freely love Seokwoo. He hates how it tricks him to believe that them snuggled into each other is a good thing and it’s not treacherous to even think about that too much. 

He can’t go on like this, with Red by Taylor Swift in loop on his music app, because all the songs about that precarious yet overwhelming love are something he can deeply relate. 

Thanks God Sanghyuk exists. 

Sanghyuk, in fact, almost screamed, compelling Chanhee’s attention, and he asked if anyone was down to party. 

Of course Chanhee is. 

He’s not in the mood to party, like, he’s in the mood to go to their dorms and cuddle with Seokwoo but he can’t to that too much, not with all those feelings involved. 

Partying, especially alcohol, has always been Chanhee’s favorite comfort: he likes the feeling of being drunk, and drinking clears his head a lot. Well, last time didn’t go like that since he ended up having sex with Seokwoo but he will probably won’t come: he looks tired and indeed he says that he has to go back to the dorms. 

Chanhee looks at him, almost relieved, but his relief doesn’t last long. 

Seokwoo leans closer and whispers to him: “When you’ll get back, come to my room” and that’s enough to send shivers all along Chanhee’s spine, and a part of him wants to say “screw the party” and stay with him but of course, he still has a functioning brain. 

He says yes, though, thinking that he will be so tired and he’ll probably just collapse next to him with nothing else happening. 

But he needs to clear his mind. He needs to stop feeling all of these emotions, he needs to stop to be hopelessly in love with him. 

He needs to get drunk, have fun, to remind himself that it’s better off being alone. Even if it doesn’t sound fun at all, even if he’d like very much to spend the night with Seokwoo and Seokwoo only, like they’re boyfriends. 

But they are not. And he needs to get over it. 

Chanhee smiles, laughing for something that’s just in his head. 

He’s in the club, in some sort of VIP area, and everyone is having the time of their lives. He has a drink in his hand and he’s sitting on the couch, while some guy is preparing some coke lines for everyone. Chanhee finds this hilarious, for no particular reason. 

Some girls laugh too, and they proceed to snort a few. Someone asks Chanhee if he wants to but he refuses, Sanghyuk will kill him. 

He doesn’t really know why he’s so bothered with coke, everyone is doing it and they’re having a great time. He collects few leftovers with his fingers and tries to taste it. 

Of course it’s so little it does nothing. 

He’s kinda pissed. He’s totally drunk, but it’s not enough. He still thinks about him, he’s like a disease, he’s everywhere and he can’t even get rid of him. He’s in his head, no matter on how alcohol he tries to drown everything into. 

Maybe he has to dance. 

Despite not being exactly the life of the party, Chanhee loves dancing. He always dances in the club, usually with his friends. He just has to find Sanghyuk or Inseong somewhere if they can still be on their feet and force them to dance with him. 

He gets up, looking around. 

And that’s exactly the moment it happens. 

It’s like in a movie, when everything is slow motion and the most beautiful guy walks in, except in real life there’s no slow motion, but indeed the most beautiful guy walks in and Chanhee is here, in the middle of the dance floor, like an idiot. 

Seokwoo’s here. And he’s not like, ordinary Seokwoo. 

Chanhee has seen him in pretty much every state: barefaced, with heavy make up on, but nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to this. 

Kpop idols can be sexy sometimes, if the concept requires it. They have properly styled hair and make up and maybe more revealing clothes. SF9 did kinda sexy concepts but again, nothing compared. 

Seokwoo did his make up, and it’s like, heavy. Nothing too much, but his lashes seem longer and fuller and he has like glitter on his eyelids. He’s wearing a silk shirt halfway open that reflects the blinding lights of the club, and a pair of skinny jeans so tight around his legs that Chanhee is almost drooling. 

Seokwoo has seen him. Seokwoo walks towards him and it’s so nice, thinks Chanhee incoherently, because he looks so good and he’s walking to him and Chanhee wants to kiss him there, in the middle of the club. 

Of course he doesn’t but he kinda collapse onto him, since he manages to trip on his own feet. 

Seokwoo holds him steadily. 

“What are you doing here?” asks Chanhee, grabbing is shirt in a way he couldn’t do if sober, just because if he’s sober he tries to maintain at least a bit of dignity. 

“I wanted to see you.” 

And then everything about forgetting about him kinda goes to hell.

The fact is, drunk people do stupid things. And Chanhee thought it was a good idea to dance with Seokwoo while being drunk. 

Obviously that escalated very quickly and the actually ended up in a hotel next to the club that is ridiculously expensive but still better than their dorms making out in the elevator. 

When they finally arrived in the bedroom Seokwoo’s shirt was already undone. 

Chanhee throws it on the floor the second the door closes behind them. 

He lets Seokwoo pin him down on the bed, and he really feels the need to say something really stupid. 

“You look so good. Like, real life photoshopped. God, you are so beautiful it’s not even fair ...” he spits out and Seokwoo kisses him harder. 

“It’s for you. I did it for you.” he says and he kisses Chanhee more. 

If he was sober, Chanhee would have asked for an explanation. Now he can just widen his eyes and try to form a sentence or sort of.

“What?...” 

“I’m a liar. I lied to you. And I am the worst person.” Seokwoo stops kissing him, looking at him for a second, then looking away. 

Chanhee decides - or the tequila does - he doesn’t care and he gets halfway up, wraps one arm around Seokwoo and kisses him, using his other hand to take Seokwoo’s and putting it under his shirt, where he wants it. 

“I don’t care. I want you.” he says. 

“I don’t care either. Tonight ... the other night ... the night of the date, it’s always the same thing. I want you to be mine. Not anyone else’s. Mine.” 

Chanhee kisses him more, Seokwoo bites his lower lip and he kisses him harder. 

Chanhee is drunk but he knows that when you’re about to sleep with someone you say a lot of things you don’t mean it. Like, people call each other names and stuff, he doesn’t have to give Seokwoo much credit. He just wants to have sex with him. 

Still, a part of him wants to think of this like it’s some sort of confession, like Seokwoo wants him, all of him, to be his and only his because he’s in love with him. 

He knows it can’t be possible, but he can at least pretend, because Seokwoo now is looking at him, he’s kissing him and he’s touching him, so it can’t hurt to pretend that his feelings are reciprocated, right? 

“I’m yours. Totally yours. Completely yours. Only yours.” 

And Chanhee doesn’t mean only in a sexual way. He’s Seokwoo’s, he feels as stupidly and hopelessly in love as Mr. Darcy when he says to Elizabeth that she had bewitched his body and soul and he loves her and he wants never to be parted from her. 

Now he gets it, all the romance, all the nonsense of the movies that Seokwoo watches, of all the novels he reads. He even gets why people in anime die stupid deaths only for the sake of being with someone they love. 

When Seokwoo kisses him he almost says it, he almost lets everything out again. 

“I’m in love with you. I’m yours” 

Of course he doesn’t, he keeps his mouth shut, he keeps kissing Seokwoo, trying to stop thinking about live and concentrate on Seokwoo’s hands on him. 

There’s a lot of noise, they’re both panting and it’s just a whisper and Chanhee should be concentrating on the man that’s undressing him and not on anything else, but he’s strong to clear his mind so that’s maybe why he hears it. 

His voice is so low, but Chanhee can understand clearly, and he’s sure it’s not the alcohol, the coke or just his brain tricking him. He can’t make up something like this, because not even in his wildest dreams he allowed himself to fantasise about that. 

“I love you” says Seokwoo, and everything falls into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i didn’t plan for it to happen and i’m sure that if i’m not posting now i’ll soon delete everything. now i’ll be back online shopping for christmas gifts pretending that i never screwed up the plot i had in my head


	9. 0.8

When Chanhee wakes up, he knows he fucked up. 

First; his head is killing him, his throat is so dry, every muscle on his body aches. Second, Seokwoo. 

Seokwoo is still sleeping, gracefully laying on his side, an arm that hugs lovingly Chanhee. He looks so peaceful, dark disheveled hair on the pillow, half a smile on his face. Some part of Chanhee wants to cuddle him, to hold him tight until he wakes up, but he’s not sure he’s allowed anymore. 

Seokwoo said he loves him. And of course if this was a movie everything will be great: Chanhee loves him too so they’ll end up together and they’ll have the most beautiful love story ever. Too bad it’s the real world. 

In the real world Chanhee is a disgrace, any attempt to have a romantic relationship that he made always failed miserably. And besides that, surely Seokwoo didn’t love him. He may have told it just because they were going to have sex and people say a lot of things they don’t mean during sex or maybe because he was pretending he was someone else. 

It’s impossibile that Seokwoo was saying that to him. 

Chanhee needs to be prepared. If the first option is true, the one about saying things you don’t mean during sex, he has to pull off his best poker face. He needs to seem cool about it, like, of course they don’t love each other. And he has to be prepared if Seokwoo wants to end things because it has gone too far. He has to be mature and act like he can totally live without him and he can’t cry until he’s far away from him. 

The second option ... something in his chest aches. He’s jealous, he hates it. He wants Seokwoo to be his, and not anyone else’s. He can’t stand the idea that Seokwoo wants someone else there while they sleep together. He can’t stand to be just a replacement. 

But he has to. He can’t be Seokwoo’s boyfriend. Besides him being terrible at relationships Seokwoo deserves better. He deserves someone who cares for him, who cheers him up, who holds him while he cries and never leaves him alone. Someone better than him. 

So he’ll need to not look disappointed and to encourage Seokwoo with his new love interest. He can’t even think about getting in the way. He wants to, he wants to scream at him “pick me, choose me, love me”, but he can’t. Not if he truly loves him. 

He gets up, trying to no wake Seokwoo up, determined to go in front of a mirror and practice his best neutral expression when his phone, still in his jeans that were thrown on the floor the night before, starts vibrating. 

He gets it from his pocket and locks himself in the bathroom to answer, since he doesn’t want to wake Seokwoo up. 

“Chanhee! Are you alive? Can I borrow your sweater? The black one. You told you’ll chop my head off if I’ll touch it again but please I really need it and ...” 

It’s Youngkyun, with his useless problems. It’s not like that Chanhee doesn’t like him, he’s the closest thing to a friend that he has besides Seokwoo, but it’s not really the right time for him to discuss about clothes. 

“It doesn’t matter. Take it”. he says and there’s silence for a few seconds. 

He’s considering hanging up since Youngkyun doesn’t say anything and he has a lot to worry about before Seokwoo wakes up, but while he’s considering it Youngkyun speaks. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, “It sounds like you’re about to cry.” 

Well, fuck. Surely Chanhee isn’t in his best shape now, and surely he’ll probably cry after speaking with Seokwoo but he’s trying. 

He’s always trying. And failing. People say it’s all in his head, he’s a successful idol and actor, but he always feels like a failure. He has so much potential, his teachers said that he was born for it, but then he’s just a nobody who barely can get any part. And so he gets wasted at parties, falls in love with the wrong people and it‘s so hard sometimes thinking it will be all that he’ll get. Bring wasted, roles he doesn’t like, boys and girls he can’t feel a thing about leaving him their number, when the only thing that he wants is Seokwoo. 

But he’s trying. He’s trying not to ruin everything, he’s trying to keep his career going, his mind sane, he’s trying to keep Seokwoo close to himself, at least he’s trying.

And of course, it all fails so spectacularly when he feels tears falling out from his eyes and he can’t stop them, he can just cry with a hand over his mouth hoping that Youngkyun won’t hear him. 

He’s hanging up but Youngkyun speaks again. 

“I’m here. What’s wrong?” 

Chanhee doesn’t want to talk about it. He can’t. He doesn’t talk about his problems to anyone, just Seokwoo but he can’t actually tell him what bothers him now. It’s not easy for him to ask for help, to talk with people: he always feels like bothering them and that they aren’t close enough for him to tell them about his concerns. So he ends up being alone, being distant, since he never shares anything. 

“Nothing.” he replies, “I have to ...” 

“Chanhee. Did someone hurt you? Are you okay? Do you want me or any of the guys come pick you up?” 

Maybe that’s it that makes Chanhee, who’s still crying like a baby, all curled up on the bathroom floor, say it. 

“I’m okay but ... not really. I mean ... last night ... something happened. It’s nothing but ...” he says trying to calm himself. 

It’s so weird, talking about it with someone, it’s so scary that he almost hangs up again, too afraid to continue the conversation. 

“If it makes you cry it isn’t nothing. What happened?” asks Youngkyun. 

Chanhee breathes in and out. He closes his eyes, like it would do something, and he says it. He speaks about Seokwoo, for the first time, with someone who isn’t him. 

“I... I slept with someone. And while we were at it ... like, almost at it ... that someone said ‘I love you’” 

He waits for Youngkyun to laugh at him. 

He doesn’t. 

“What? That’s so fucking creepy. Have you two just met yesterday?” he asks. 

“No, no, we ... we already slept together a few times.” he replies. 

“So “someone” caught feelings.” says Youngkyun after a short pause, and he sounds so weird. Almost ... lively? Which isn’t like, normal, since he sounded super worried like a second ago. 

“No, it’s impossibile. I think the “I love you” was a mistake, like, people say a lot of things during sex and ...” 

“People don’t tell you “I love you” casually during sex. How many times you two slept together?” 

Chanhee doesn’t know. 

“You mean, had sex? Or just slept together?” he asks, and maybe it’s a stupid question because Youngkyun replies like Chanhee’s saying bullshit. 

“You mean ... you and that person ... slept together like ... just sleeping?” 

“Yeah, sometimes, like, to not sleep alone. Or maybe any of us needs to talk so we see each other and we end up sleeping at each other’s place without really doing anything besides talking or cuddling or maybe watch something together. And we hang out to and we go to places that we like and we eat at restaurants that we think are nice and ...” Chanhee got carried away. 

It’s weird because he never really talks but it’s the first time he can share what he did with Seokwoo and it’s just a lot. Every second they spent together, laying in their pyjamas in front of the tv or trying some famous cafe downtown, comes to his mind and he’s almost overwhelmed. 

He even stops crying, remember all those beautiful memories. 

“Chanhee? Are you an idiot?” asks Youngkyun, ruining everything. 

Of course, Chanhee is. There’s a reason why he doesn’t really talk about anything: because people always bring him down or they listen for a while then they get bored, while he’ll need to talk more.

Why Youngkyun would have been an exception? There are no exceptions. Not for him. 

He’s surprised when Youngkyun talks again. 

“Chanhee. Do you realise that you two are dating, right? The thing that you two do together is called ‘dating’. And after some time people that date usually say to each other they say they love each other ...” 

Chanhee wishes it was true. At least Youngkyun doesn’t think he’s an idiot for real but he doesn’t know about the contract. And that changes everything. 

“No, it’s just to not feel alone it’s not ...” he tries to say. 

“Chanhee. No one, no one on earth would do the things you two do together and think about not being in a relationship, no matter what you said. He loves you, idiot. He truly does.” 

Chanhee’s heart skips a beat, because he wishes so hard for it to be true. Then he realises. 

“He...?” he asks, cautiously. 

“Well ... it’s Seokwoo, isn’t he? I mean, I’m fairly sure.” 

Chanhee can’t even think properly. 

“Don’t worry, no one knows. Just me. And well, Taeyang, but because I tell him everything. He said to me that you had that ridiculous hickey the other day and I saw Seokwoo sneaking into your room a few times so I kinda connected the dots ...” 

So that’s Chanhee first coming out. It feels like going out naked on the streets on Saturday night. 

Chanhee never thought too much about his sexual orientation: he figured he liked men, probably, when he was a teen, but he never even kissed one before Seokwoo. He never labelled himself anything, too concerned about the fact that he lacked in sexual and romantic attraction to focus on the fact he isn’t straight. It was never a problem to begin with since he knew he’d end up alone anyways and before realising that he only dated girls. 

Even with Seokwoo, since they aren’t dating, he was never concerned. He knew he liked men, he liked Seokwoo, no big deal. He had never thought about someone else finding out, someone else labelling him as gay or bisexual or anything. 

Will Youngkyun treat him any different? Will he tell anyone? Well, Taeyang already knows. 

Chanhee hates that. Hates the fact he’s now different at Youngkyun’s eyes. And he forever will be “the gay one” or whatever. 

“Are you still there?” asks Youngkyun. 

“Yes.” 

“I mean, of course we are rooting for you. I mean, we thought it was just sex but that’s so much better. Both of you are great people. Well ... of course ... you love him, right?” 

Chanhee is surprised since Youngkyun didn’t ask anything about his sexual orientation. He’s still uncomfortable that he knows but it’s kinda nice there wasn’t any comment about Seokwoo being male. Chanhee wouldn’t surely have insisted on the topic but he can’t actually reply to the question Youngkyun asked.

“I ... aren’t you ... like ... creeped out? About me being gay? Or bisexual. Or ... I don’t know.” he asks. 

“No? Why should I?” Youngkyun sounds genuinely confused and Chanhee can’t help it but feeling so grateful for that, for feeling so normal for once “Aaaah ... you’re avoiding the question! So you love him. I knew that. I mean, when you told me all that you two do together it’s kinda obvious that you won’t do that for anyone. You do that for someone you like.” 

Chanhee stays silent again. 

It’s true, he loves Seokwoo. But even after sharing that much to Youngkyun and him being so chill he can’t tell him what’s going on in his brain. It’s too much. He could share it only with Seokwoo, because Seokwoo knew what he had gone through. Seokwoo never cares about all his flaws and his failures. It has always been reassuring to him: Seokwoo doesn’t care so he won’t judge. Seokwoo doesn’t see you as someone he would date so he doesn’t care. And so he opened up to him and ended up falling for him and right now the thing that was so comforting to him is the one that hurts the most: Seokwoo doesn’t care. 

No matter what Youngkyun’s saying. 

“Chanhee. I am your friend. And I know that maybe it’s hard to process but you two are in love and it’s been ... how much time? months? that you two are dating. You told him you love him back, right?” he says. 

“Well ... I kissed him so I couldn’t really talk ... and then we had sex, sorry for the tmi, and I guess he forgot about it ...” he tries to say but Youngkyun interrupts him again. 

“He told you he loves you and you two then had sex like nothing happened? The hell, Chanhee? You have to say it back to him NOW. What were you thinking?” 

“Maybe he said that by mistake and he actually enjoyed what we did so I didn’t think that ...” 

Again, Youngkyun interrupts. 

“I don’t care go to him and tell him you love him. He loves you are you BLIND?” 

Hope is a funny thing. Chanhee knows because he sometimes finds himself hoping for something, and he knows that he shouldn’t. If he wishes for something, even something totally useless like finding his favorite cereals in the food storage at home, it won’t happen. He knows that but his stupid mind sometimes ignores reality and starts hoping for something good. Like now, thanks to Youngkyun, he hopes. He hopes for Seokwoo to be in love with him for real, for everything to end like a romcom, with the two of them dating, even if it’s not possible. 

He still hopes and that’s what hurt the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s no rochan in this chapter and i’m sorry for that but i feel like it stands on its own, sorry if it’s boring and i promise in the next one will be full of the two of them. have a lovely monday ♡︎


	10. 0.9

Chanhee returns back to the bedroom knowing that he has to face Seokwoo. When he opens the door he sees him awake, fidgeting with the covers and looking down. 

He lift his head up when he hears the door opening and Chanhee looks away from him. He can’t look at him now. 

He hasn’t decided what to tell him yet, no matter what Youngkyun said. First, he is still unsure about Seokwoo’s feelings. It may be a gigantic misunderstand and he’ll end up looking like an idiot and worst of all, broken-hearted. Second, he doesn’t trust himself: even if Seokwoo likes him will he be able to have a normal relationship with him? Of course not. Chanhee is unable to be normal, he doesn’t like dates, or cuddles (except with Seokwoo) and he’s a very cold person. He won’t be able to tell Seokwoo that he loves  
him all the time or that he’s beautiful or anything because he just isn’t like this. And he also needs to protect himself: if he opens up to him more than he did, if he starts to trust him and then he’ll leave, he won’t recover. He hasn’t recovered from people he cared almost nothing compared on how much he cares for him. 

The fact is, Chanhee is damaged somehow. Something inside of him doesn’t work when it comes to relationships and he’ll end up ruining the only decent thing he got in his life. 

He had never got something like Seokwoo. Something you can’t buy with money since he can pretty much buy himself everything he likes. He sometimes think material things will be all he’ll ever got: he can save up to buy even a private plane, but no amount of money will ever buy him someone who loves him. 

When he was younger he actually thought that maybe someone will stay, like one of his girlfriend, even just a friend. But everyone left him, and after he ended high school he was left alone, with no friends and no romance. He tried dating, he tried one night stands but nothing really worked. 

The only people who stayed were his group which was work related and they can’t help but being together and even there he isn’t really friend with anyone, maybe Youngkyun but he’s not sure since he surely likes Taeyang more and sometimes it feels like they are part of their own secret club. 

So that must be something wrong with him and he kinda accepted that, when Seokwoo came along. They knew each other since years but in the last months their relationship changed and Chanhee started feeling ... a lot. Love for him, surely, but he also started feeling uneasy with himself, conscious of all of his flaws. Conscious that he won’t ever be able to have the romantic relationship that he wants with Seokwoo. 

And it’s even worse because this time it’s not like the other times, when he just craved romance: right now he wants him, he wants to walk in the streets holding his hands and wearing his clothes and kiss him on New year’s eve like a normal couple. He wants to have their picture as a lockscreen and have a vacation together and shop for his Christmas presents without feeling like it’s too much.

But he doesn’t really feel ready for the inevitabile heartbreak. He doesn’t feel ready to feel even more broken when he’ll realise that Seokwoo can’t fix him. 

And he doesn’t know what to say to him. 

“We need to talk” says Seokwoo, and Chanhee obediently sits on the corner of the bed, tightening his bathrobe around himself. 

He’s not ready, but he has to face him, and he only hopes he won’t cry in front of Seokwoo. He just hopes to hold back his tears until he’s alone, that’s it. 

“I ... I went too far. I knew that. I knew that for a while but I just couldn’t stop. I ... just ... I didn’t think that was possibile. To meet someone like this, to have someone that runs to me when I feel down, to have someone that listens to me, that watches movies and dramas because I liked it and wants to know more about my interests, someone who’s never tired of me and my constant need of affection and attention and ...” 

Chanhee stops listening. So that’s not him. So Seokwoo likes someone else. And he wants to stop what they have because they are in the way of his new relationship. 

Chanhee wants to cry, he feels tears on his eyes but he forces himself to hold it back. He just needs to end the conversation quickly and go somewhere he can freely cry his eyes out. He breaths in and out, trying to speak in a normal tone, even if his voice comes out a bit lower and trembling than usual. 

“They ... they sound extraordinary.”

He can only say that, looking down, biting the inside of his mouth to not let out a sigh and he clenches his fists so hard that his nails stick in his skin. 

This will pass. He just needs to get away as fast as he could and cry and eventually try to get over it. Maybe he can start a Bleach rewatch. It helps a lot usually, using is free time to watch anime until his eyes burn and he doesn’t feel like a real person anymore. 

“Yes, Chanhee, you are.” says Seokwoo and Chanhee’s resolution to not cry goes to hell. 

He just starts sobbing, while tears stream down to his face, and he’s crying like a baby, he’s crying like he hasn’t cried in years, in front of a very shocked Seokwoo. 

The fact is, tears wouldn’t stop. If for the first hour Seokwoo held him and petted his hair and whispered to him countless “I love you”s, after that since Chanhee kept crying he started getting worried, googling if not being able to stop crying was a symptom of some illness or something. However, he stayed by Chanhee’s side, giving him water and affection, while he cried his eyes out. 

In the end they Chanhee stopped, probably because he stopped drinking water and he finally dehydrated. 

He is now curled up next to Seokwoo, who’s giving him kisses all over his face. They, of course, haven’t really spoken about what happened. Chanhee couldn’t really speak because he was busy crying and couldn’t form a proper sentence and Seokwoo was too busy trying to make him stop and reassuring him to really carry out the conversation. 

Chanhee knows they have to talk about it. He still doesn’t know what to say, and he knows that he has to say no but Seokwoo loves him and there’s some part of him that screams “finally”. He knows that it won’t be that easy but he wants to enjoy the fact that for once someone likes him, someone loves him, and he loves him too. 

He wishes that will be enough even though he knows he won’t be. 

“Better?” asks Seokwoo, tugging a strand of hair behind his ear. 

Chanhee nods. 

“I didn’t expect that. I mean ... I didn’t know someone could cry this much.” he says and he giggles then kisses Chanhee on the lips. 

“I usually don’t cry unless I’m on set or I’m having a breakdown. I guess I had one.” replies Chanhee, pressing his body against Seolwoo’s and hiding his face on his chest. 

“I’m sorry. I thought ... well, I thought that confessing my feelings to you would have been ... easier. Surely I didn’t think it would have made you cry like this ...” 

“It was overwhelming. I thought you were talking about someone else. That you fell in love” says Chanhee. 

“I fell in love with you. I tried to tell you after your date but you just talked about the contract so I thought you weren’t into me and I tried to let go ... I couldn’t. In fact I think I lied to you. Several times.” 

Seokwoo pauses for a second. 

“I always had a sort of crush on you. Nothing serious like, I thought everything would have disappeared if I slept with you or even like, made out or something, and I told you when we first slept together. Then having sex with you blew my mind and when we did it again like ... oh my God. And then you were so fun to hang out with and you felt exactly like me towards relationships and it was amazing, having you as a partner. I had a crush on you, but nothing more, you know? I thought I could handle this. And of course I couldn’t. I fell in love. Like, hard. When you came to my dressing room to comfort me I definitely fell for you like I have never did for anyone in my life. And I take it back, the not wanting a relationship thing: I want it, I’m so totally crazy about you that I’ll marry you this second. And I know that maybe you did everything you did for me just because you are nice, but I, for the first time in my life, felt loved, felt cared for. And you are just amazing, I mean, I’m totally head over heels for you, and not only because you are kind and loving and gentle and smart and super pretty it’s just everything? Your insane obsession with Bleach? I love it. The fact that you actually sleep almost all your free time when you eyes hurt too much from watching too much anime? I’m crazy for it. I even love the fact you put cereals before milk. I just love everything about you. I’m in love with you. And I want this, I want us, to be real. Of course, I mean, it if you at leas like me a little.” 

That’s even beyond any fantasy that Chanhee has ever had. And he almost wants to say screw everything and let’s date. That would be so easy. 

But he has to warn Seokwoo. He has to be honest like he was even if the things he has to say won’t be as nice as Seokwoo was. It’s only fair. 

“I ... I have a problem. Like, with relationships. And sex. Not with you and you kind of already know about that but I have to remind you about it. I almost never feel sexual attraction and I hate sex most of the times and I don’t know why it’s so good with you. I also hate romantic stuff, I mean I hate even cuddling it it’s not with you and when we do that you always do all the work ... and most of all I hate trusting people because I’m tired to have my heart broken. I mean, I’m not accusing you of wanting to leave ... it’s just that I’m not enough for people to stay and I don’t think you’ll make an exception. Plus you deserve someone better. Someone who likes cuddles and spoils you and he’s not some awkward and gloomy boy who can’t properly interact with people.” 

Seokwoo stays silent for a second. 

“I don’t know if those are just excuses because you don’t like me, or if you really think that bullshit is true.” 

Something feels outrageous when Seokwoo says that maybe Chanhee doesn’t like him. He had felt so much love for him and he is still feeling it now and hearing that is almost insulting. How can he not love him? How can he not be absolutely head over heels for him? 

“I do like you. I’m in love with you.” he replies, so pissed at him he almost doesn’t realise what he’s saying until he has said it and he wants to die because he didn’t want to do that, he wanted to keep it to himself and then he stopped thinking because Seokwoo kissed him so passionately that his mind went blank. 

“I love you too. I love you so much.” says Seokwoo, holding him close. 

Seokwoo doesn’t stop giving him kisses and for a second Chanhee let’s himself enjoy it, putting his hands in his hair and just forgetting about anything else for a while. 

But he has to come to his senses and speak with Seokwoo. 

So when Seokwoo needs to breathe and he distances himself a bit from him, he tries to speak again. 

“I still think that I am broken and unable to have a relationship and that you deserve better.” he says. 

“Cut the bullshit. I want you. I can understand if you don’t want a relationship, and that’s okay, I mean, it’s not but I can’t force you ... but we work together. Every heartbreak, every hesitation I had towards love ... you made all vanish because you are so kind and considerate and so good and I wish I’ll be able  
to be ...” 

“It’s not you. I tried everything, and I’m broken and I can’t be fixed. Just because we work amazingly together now it doesn’t mean that my totally inability to give affection won’t bother ...” 

Seokwoo sits down and looks at Chanhee so angrily that he’s almost afraid he’s gonna hit him. 

“Can you stop saying those things about yourself? You are not broken. I don’t fully know what happened with your previous relationships but let me tell you, it’s not your fault you met shitty people. You are perfect. You are the most loving and caring person I’ve ever met. You ditched work because I was sad and you came all the way to my set to comfort me. Every time that I am sad or upset you are here for me. That is what love is not sex not kissing not any other bullshit no matter how much I like it. You never left me alone. That’s what love is to me.” 

Chanhee doesn’t know how to reply. He can’t even process all those informations. But Seokwoo isn’t done. 

“We had sex because we were in a bad place. We felt alone and unwanted and so we found each other and we tried to escape all that. And we have tried it all before, one night stands, relationships, being alone, nothing worked. But maybe this time ... I think maybe this time will be different. We can make it right. Because we have been both broken. I don’t know if I still am, it’s like you put patches all over my broken heart, but I get it, what you mean about being alone and everything. And maybe it’s a bit presumptuous but I think together we can heal. We can’t maybe go back to what we used to be but we can get better. I am already better and it’s thanks to you. And fuck everyone else, fuck our shitty exes and everyone who couldn’t get us, now we have each other.” 

Seokwoo pauses again. 

“As I said, at first I just had a stupid crush and I just thought that was amazing having someone that could understand my struggles, but then, you know, I fell for you. And I like that, I like that I am in love not only with an amazing person but also with someone that can get me. And I am sure that’s fate. We don’t have to wait anymore trying not to hope in an unexpected positive turn in our life: this is it. You are my turning point. You won’t let me fall again, you’ll never leave me alone. And I’ll never do that to you.” 

Chanhee desperately wants to believe it. It’s everything he has always secretly dreamed. But he can’t trust something that arrives to him this easily and most importantly he can’t go through another heartbreak when Seokwoo will realise that he’s absolutely no good. 

“You’ll realise that it’s not like this. I am too broken and you deserve better and I’m not saying that because I don’t love you because I do love you and I love you a lot. But I am scared. Very scared. Because giving you my heart will mean having it broken again for sure and eventually broke yours too since I am really not all the things you said and ...” 

“At least let me try. At least let me love you for a while then decide if it’s worth it or not.” interrupts Seokwoo. 

“I already know it will. Being with you it’s like a dream to me. There’s nothing I want more. But I think ... it won’t end well. And I can’t lose you. Even hoping that we can work out is treacherous for me. I know that night changed everything for you and it did the same for me. I never saw you coming and I’ll never be the same. And before I knew it I laid myself bare in front of you, I wasn’t careful and now you know too much. I let the armour fall and that terrifies me. I know we said we are both lonely and we suck at relationships and all that and it’s almost ironic that we fell for each other. I can’t say that I don’t want this to work out. I can’t say that I don’t wanna say yes to you and date. I can’t say I don’t want to hope that this is the start of something good and right. But I know myself and I know my luck: it will be a tragedy and I can’t go through it and I can’t put you through it.” 

Seokwoo almost doesn’t let him finish. 

“I’m willing to go through everything for you. It’s not like I can stop loving you, right now it feels it will go on forever. If you don’t want this, just tell me and we’ll be back being colleagues as nothing happened or whatever you want, you can even use me for sex or anything and I’ll probably let you. But if even the smallest part of you wants me, even the smallest part of you wants us to be together, please give me a chance. Just one. One month. You don’t have to do anything just ...” 

The fact is, Seokwoo’s his Achilles’ heel. Chanhee can be as guarded as possibile, but he can’t just say no to him, he can’t just go back being his colleague and nothing more. He wants him like he had never wanted anything in his entire life. And he knows that’s not gonna end well but the only alternative is ending things now and he doesn’t want to. 

And a small part of him hopes. He hopes that things will get miraculously good this time, he hopes for a change. He hopes that maybe this time two wrongs make it right. 

“Okay, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought this chapter would have been a lot harder to write and i was like 99% sure i won’t be able to update today but here it is! i hope it’s decent and it’s like mostly talking but you know they have to figure out a bunch of stuff! have a nice day guys and see you soon ♡︎


	11. 1.0

Chanhee went back to the dorms after a while. Seokwoo had a family dinner so he had to go and Chanhee didn’t feel like staying in the hotel room alone. 

It still feels strange. He has a boyfriend now. On trial period, but it’s still a boyfriend. And it’s Seokwoo and that is almost unbelievable. What‘s even more unbelievable is the fact that Chanhee doesn’t feel bad at all. Usually when he gets a girlfriend he always have a bad feeling. 

With Seokwoo, who is a man, a coworker and his almost only friend, there’s nothing like this even though rationally he knows this will go down in flames and it’s gonna hurt like nothing else before. 

He’s probably still numb since Seokwoo kissed him, cuddled him and praised him for hours, constantly telling him how much he loved him and how happy he was to be able to be with him even just for one month. 

No one ever was this happy being with him: his exes never showed him much happiness when he agreed to date so that was a new thing to him, having someone showing so much happiness and gratitude for him being his (temporary) boyfriend. 

He should probably start to worry, but at least for today, he won’t. He wants to keep thinking about Seokwoo, about what he said to him, about the countless nice things he told him, his hands on him, his lips on his, them tangled up in the bed with eyes closed, listening to their own heartbeats slowing down. 

He looks at himself in the reflection of the cab’s window before going inside and he’s smiling. He looks happy, almost bubbly, and it’s kinda new for him since he’s famous for his resting bitch face. 

The dorms, like whenever they have a mini vacation, is empty. 

Chanhee should probably go home and at least say hello to his family too. With Seokwoo and all he didn’t really showed up much which is kinda sad: his little brother is growing up seeing him very little, and sometimes he misses his parents as well. Sure, his parents won’t probably be thrilled to know that he spends all of his free time with a man and he has now a relationship with him, but he’s surely not gonna tell them. 

He feels a bit bad, being so full of secrets and not showing up a lot. He surely should call. 

He decides to do it after having dinner: he skipped lunch because he was too busy crying and now his stomach is growling. 

After changing into his favorite pyjamas he washes his hands, then grabs a pot to boil the water for his instant ramen, the only thing he can actually cook for himself. 

In three minutes everything is done and, grabbing a blanket from the couch and putting it onto his shoulders, he grabs his bowl and chopstick and goes to his room, where he has the intention to watch anime and eat. 

He almost has an heart attack when someone goes out from Youngkyun’s room, being indeed Youngkyun himself. 

He was probably sleeping or something since Chanhee couldn’t hear a sound coming from his room so he thought he was out. Also, his hair are so messy, he definitely looks like he just woke up. 

“Chanhee! Taeyang, he’s here!” 

What? 

To Chanhee’s disbelief Taeyang comes out of Youngkyun’s room, hair equally messy and still buttoning up his polo shirt. 

“Finally! We thought you’d spend our vacation with Seokwoo! How’s going? Did you two get together? Yes, right?” asks Taeyang. 

Of course he knows everything, like Youngkyun said. It‘s not really like you can say anything to either of them and expect the other not to know it in a matter of seconds. Chanhee knows they share everything, still it feels awkward knowing that also Taeyang knows. 

It’s also his first time meeting someone besides Seokwoo who knows that he also likes men. He’s afraid that they will act different, that they won’t get physically close to him anymore or they’ll look disgusted. 

He’s actually surprised when Youngkyun comes closer and puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles at him, a genuine smile that he has rarely seen on him, since he usually looks pretty gloomy as well, not as much as Chanhee but still. 

“Come on, tell us everything. Did you made that for yourself? We can eat together.” 

“I’ll make soup for us three and I think we still have some leftover frozen dumplings, Chanhee start eating or it will get soggy.” says Taeyang. 

Before he knew it Chanhee was almost carried to the kitchen, where Taeyang started cooking and Youngkyun alternates between helping him and stealing some of Chanhee’s noodles. 

“You’re barely eating, and you are not telling us anything.” points out Youngkyun, stealing another time noodles from Chanhee’s bowl. 

It’s just ... strange. He’s out to two of his coworkers and they’re in the kitchen eating like nothing happened, except the fact Youngkyun is asking him to tell him about Seokwoo. It’s weird and Chanhee definitely hasn’t seen it coming: he had never thought about coming out to anyone, since he felt there was no need, but he hasn’t surely expected to be treated like this, like him and Seokwoo are something good, not something that can ruin their careers if not something wrong in his entirety, because men should not date men. 

Youngkyun and Taeyang look genuinely happy for him, though, and it’s nice. It almost feels like having dinner with friends. 

“There’s nothing to say ... and why do you care?” replies Chanhee eating his noodles. 

“Because we are rooting for you, you dummy. We can’t wait to see you happy with Seokwoo. I mean, we had thought that your relationship was ... a bit different.” says Taeyang.

“Taeyang thought Seokwoo was using you for sex, I said to him that it was clearly you the one who were using him, it’s almost relieving that you actually both have feelings for each other.” 

Chanhee can’t say them that it’s actually much complicated. That would be a long ass conversation he isn’t really ready to have with someone right now. 

“So, tell us, what happened?” asks Taeyang, while putting dumplings on a plate. 

Youngkyun steals one and eats it and Taeyang hits him with the chopsticks he’s using to cook. 

“Well ... he confessed.” 

“We already know that. I mean, I told Taeyang everything.” says Youngkyun and takes the plate now full of dumplings and puts it on the table. 

“You were terrible, Chanhee, not replying to him and having sex with him. I mean, he could’ve chosen a better moment but you have to reply to someone confessing to you.” adds Taeyang.

“I agree but we’ll maybe he thought that sucking his dick was an appropriate answer or something, you know, the “actions speak louder than worlds” thing ...?” 

Chanhee almost chokes on his ramen hearing what Youngkyun said. 

“How romantic, Kyunnie.” says Taeyang rolling his eyes. He serves soup for all the three of them and he sits down, smiling at Chanhee. 

“I’m trying to see things from his point of view.” replies Youngkyun. 

“I don’t think like that. I meant, he confessed again. Properly. While we weren’t having sex and I wasn’t drunk. And I freaked out and I cried for hours then I was dehydrated so I stopped. Then we talked and we agreed to date ... kinda.” says Chanhee. 

He can’t really say the whole truth, that will be too complicated. And it’s so weird knowing that someone else knows and someone else kinda get them. 

For all his life Chanhee felt alone, like he was on a different frequency of all the people he knew. He wasn’t insecure, growing up as a child actor was a boost of confidence, but it made always feel him different from everybody. He missed days and weeks and sometimes months of school, he had never really had a friend group or anything, because he was working. He grew up alone, with only his family by his side and he couldn’t even see them much growing up. 

So it was kinda natural for him being alone, not really looking for friends anywhere he went. No one really gets him, not his classmates, not his coworkers or other idols. None of them struggled with anything he struggled with. They have a few things in common, but they were all very different people. 

So it’s kinda new sharing this much with someone and see them really invested in his story and being nice to him. It’s kinda cool, too. 

“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! I totally hadn’t seen it coming though. You seem very straight. Seokwoo ... maybe less? Surely I’d never thought in a million years you two ended up dating.” says Taeyang. 

“You can’t tell people they seem straight Taeyang, it’s insulting. But congratulations, you got together despite being absolutely terrible at telling each other I love you.” 

“Says the man who said “I love you” for the first time when you won at League of Legends.” points out Taeyang. 

Chanhee of course doesn’t know the story, he didn’t even know Youngkyun has or had a girlfriend. They are very private about this stuff, all nine of them. Of course Seokwoo tells Juho about stuff and Juho knows and probably tells Seokwoo about his too - and Seokwoo never told Chanhee anything about him for real, he seems a good friend who keeps secrets well - and of course Taeyang and Youngkyun share everything and probably the other guys do too, with the one who’s closer to them. 

Chanhee never tells anyone anything but he doesn’t complain about being left out. He doesn’t share things so people don’t feel comfortable sharing their stuff with him and that’s okay. Still it’s nice to know something new about his colleagues, now. 

“It was EPIC. I don’t know why you make such a fuss about that. You actually cried when you told “I love you” and received no response since you said it so softly it was impossible to hear it.” replies Youngkyun and Taeyang flushes red. 

“I was emotionally vulnerable! Some of us have emotions, you know. Chanhee agrees with me, don’t you, Chanhee?” he says. 

Chanhee hasn’t the time to speak. 

“I have emotions.” says Youngkyun. 

“Hunger isn’t one and feelings towards imaginary characters don’t count.” replies Taeyang. 

Chanhee feels like he has to defend his longtime crush for Orihime. 

“Feelings towards imaginary characters are very real, actually.” he says and Youngkyun slams a fist in the table. 

“Come on, buddy, tell him! He always complains about my anime crushes. Who do you expect me to like, Taeyang, real people?” 

It was fun. They ate together and even if Chanhee stayed quiet for the most part he enjoyed himself. Taeyang and Youngkyun bickered with each other a lot and they were just so fun, besides that when they took a break on being at each other’s throat they asked Chanhee a lot about him and Seokwoo. 

Chanhee felt weird talking about him, he is still not used to it, but they insisted and in the end it was fun. He told them a few of his favourites moments with Seokwoo, about him stress eating a whole cake and the way he is always scared to drive. 

They asked more, they made conversation out of Chanhee’s anecdotes and told him some fun things that happened to them that they always seemed to have lived together or at least have later shared with each other. 

Chanhee is jealous of them, in the most positive way possible. What they have is something so special, they clearly have a connection he hasn’t really seen before, not even with his parents. Maybe some people have friends like this, friends that know everything about you and that you never really get bored of. 

Chanhee wishes the same for him and Seokwoo. He wishes to be his best friend, his partner and his lover. He knows that this is a wishful thinking and they won’t end up like this and probably not even together but he doesn’t want to think too much about it. Not today, when Seokwoo said countless and countless times how much he loves him and he had such a nice dinner. 

He takes his phone, wanting to text Seokwoo, but he still has his notes app open with their new contract. 

Of course they did one. It makes Chanhee feel safe, knowing what he can and cannot expect from Seokwoo. He didn’t tell him but he felt like Seokwoo understood: in his previous relationships Chanhee didn’t know what he should ask for and what he shouldn’t. He didn’t know if it was normal it his girlfriend stopped replying to him when he was trying to open up, he didn’t know if he had to get mad when she showed up late or when she almost forgot his birthday. 

With Seokwoo, everything’s on paper. Well, on his notes app but here it is. In the three pages long document that he wrote while Seokwoo was distracting him kissing his shoulders and back there’s everything he felt he needed to know: how much he could text him (unlimited and yes to double texting), if Seokwoo can show up late to their dates (no, it can happen sometimes but Seokwoo promised to try his best to arrive even early), if they can give gifts to each other (not mandatory but Seokwoo said he’d like to buy him gifts and even if he said that was fine with Chanhee not giving him any he had actually planned to buy him some of his favourite books he doesn’t own yet) and much more. 

It’s just for a month and Chanhee knows that a month is enough to ruin even the most perfect relationship and he shouldn’t be this happy about it but it’s the first day and everything is so good. 

He texts Seokwoo. 

It’s very short and plain, a “going to bed soon, goodnight”, since he always loved to receive those text and he’s so happy. 

Seokwoo replies in seconds. 

“still having dinner. the rat is there so i want to die. miss u sm. goodnight baby, love u soso much” and countless heart emoji. 

Chanhee hugs his phone tight against  
his chest and rolls on the bed, feeling so happy he almost wants to scream. 

He’s so happy. He loves him so much. And even if everything will go down in flames and he will be hurt like never before he’s happy now and it’s somehow enough. 

He misses him too. He wants to kiss him, hold him, and it’s almost a crime that Seokwoo has to sleep at his parents’ tonight. 

He stays like this for a while, thinking about him, about kissing him the second he’ll see him again, about sleeping hugging him again. 

He almost falls asleep, but just before being too tired he grabs his phone and text him quickly, then he puts it away and closes his eyes. 

“miss u too. love u.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! sorry i wasn’t able to update yesterday bus something really big came up from work and i had to stay up almost all night ... and in this chapter there’s a very little rochan so sorry again but i promise the next one will be full of the two of them in a very happy way!


	12. 1.1

The first week, everything feels like a dream. Chanhee dreamt about feeling like this a lot, the feeling of being with someone you really like, someone you cherish and there aren’t bad feelings or fears. He woke up from those dreams always feeling nostalgic over the girl or the boy he dreamed of, who was such a perfect match for him, and of course didn’t exist. 

But Seokwoo is real and he wakes up next to him every morning. Chanhee hates waking up early but when he does now he gets to see Seokwoo sleeping next to him, hands always closed in fists, laying on his stomach. He looked like a baby and Chanhee always stopped to pet his head before leaving. 

They haven’t really had a moment all for themselves besides ten minutes at night where they usually talked and kissed until they both fell asleep but that’s okay. Chanhee is so happy just knowing that he will have Seokwoo all for himself ten minutes every night. 

They both did the impossible to have their free day on the same day and even if Chanhee has a photoshoot in the morning the afternoon and night will be all dedicated to Seokwoo. 

He’s now wrapping up, they’re showing him picture of himself he doesn’t even care about and no, he won’t have a photoshoot without his shirt on, like ever, he just thinks about being with Seokwoo. 

They booked a hotel room for the day. It’s gonna be rainy and Chanhee is not really fond of going outside when it’s raining. Besides, the dorms will be full of people and there won’t be any privacy. 

It was Youngkyun who suggested the hotel room. Since he knows, him and Taeyang are helping Seokwoo and Chanhee a lot with keeping stuff hidden. Taeyang stopped Jaeyoon from entering in Chanhee’s room one time, while Chanhee and Seokwoo weren’t exactly decent and ready to face Jaeyoon that was looking for a shirt and surely not for some non platonic gay affection. Thankfully Taeyang literally carried him away from Chanhee’s room and Chanhee and Seokwoo treated him dinner later -and Youngkyun since there’s no Taeyang without him -. 

Everything feels so surreal. It feels like a Taylor Swift song, but not from Red or folklore, Chanhee’s favourite albums, something from Lover, or Speak Now. Something happy and sparkly and warm. Something that belongs to a movie, the cheesy ones they sometimes watch in the dorms because they are too tired to watch anything else. 

Sometimes Chanhee doesn’t even want to sleep at night. It feels like he’s always dreaming, with Seokwoo, and he’s afraid he’ll wake up at any moment in his usual reality. 

Chanhee always felt trapped in his relationships. He always made it worse because instead of letting go he got mad at himself and at the person he was dating. With Seokwoo, even if it wasn’t like proper dating and they were bound by a contract, everything is perfect. 

Seokwoo feels like the person he waited all his life for, the one who accepted him no matter what, the one he can really be himself with, no matter how complicated and dark he can be. The one who loves him not as Chani, but as Chanhee, the one who loves the blue circles around his eyes and everything he tries to hide from everyone else. 

So it feels always like a dream. 

But Chanhee knows dreams always come to an end. 

He thinks about this in the car, while he asked the driver to put his music on speaker and he watched the rain and the traffic from the car’s window. 

Everything seems good in the beginning. Everything starts in beautiful rooms with soft kisses full of lust. Their affair now is glamorous and fun and exciting but it’s not getting better over time. Over time there will be the weight of keeping their secret ruining everything, if Chanhee won’t do that himself. 

Illicit affairs have a little future, gay illicit affairs between idols have probably none, Chanhee’s gay illicit affair with an idol will probably ruin him. 

Still he can’t stop, even though he knows that is surely gonna hurt like hell in the end. 

He doesn’t even look back when he leaves the car and enters in the hotel. He doesn’t even check in, he’ll deal with that later, and he goes straight to the room. Seokwoo had texted him early and he knows which number. 

He doesn’t hesitate for a second, he walks fast, his head low, face hidden with a cap and a mask, but he goes straight to the right floor, the right room number. 

Seokwoo opens the door and Chanhee goes in, he doesn’t almost let him close it, because he’s already in his arms. 

This is exactly why he does all that despite knowing he will be hurt in the end. 

“Baby.” says Seokwoo, holding him tight and then bending over to kiss his face and lips, “I missed you.” 

Don’t call me baby, thanks Chanhee, look at what idiotic mess that you made of me. 

Seokwoo showed him colours he can’t see with anyone else, he showed him a totally new kind of reality, a side of the world Chanhee can’t really experience with anyone but him. And it’s addicting, Seokwoo is addicting, almost intoxicating. 

And Chanhee is every second more ready to ruin himself for him. 

They ended up getting room service. They fought a bit on who will get the food and should therefore put something on, and Chanhee ended up doing it. 

Seokwoo had bought a present for him. Well, for the two of them since it’s a matching set of a necklace and a bracelet, the bracelet for Chanhee and the necklace for himself. He’s so pretty, wearing only that, laying on the bed barely covered with the sheets, looking at his phone. 

“I have a schedule tomorrow morning, they rescheduled it and it’s even earlier. I want to die.” he says. 

Chanhee is putting on his bathrobe and his turns over to speak to him. 

“What is it?” he asks. 

“Photoshoot for something. Vogue I think. I hope they’ll be able to cover my dark circles I have 0 intentions to sleep tonight.” 

Chanhee laughs. 

“They should take pictures of you like this. You look the prettiest when you’re like this.” he says, and he means it. 

Nothing compared to Seokwoo, bare skin on the sheets, hair messy and a bit sweaty, laying down on his back, a satisfied and relaxed smile on his face. 

He’s a bit far, but he can see Seokwoo blush. 

“I’ll look better with you laying next to me, minus the bathrobe.” replies Seokwoo. 

“The food is coming and I have 0 intentions to open the door naked and traumatise the waiter forever.” 

“It’s so annoying that we have to open the door ... “ 

Chanhee crawls on the bed to kiss him and shut him up. That was probably what Seokwoo wanted because he smiles in the kiss and deepens it, pulling Chanhee closer. 

“I love you so much” he says out of the blue, “like seriously, I’m so in love with you. I can’t believe I can finally tell you.” 

Chanhee’s heart races, flustered but at the same time afraid. He’s always afraid when Seokwoo tells him he loves him, because he doesn’t know if he has to say it back. Seokwoo told him that it doesn’t matter and they even wrote it in the contract still Chanhee feels bad not replying. 

First, he’s in love with him so he won’t lie. Second, he doesn’t want to make Seokwoo sad or think that he doesn’t love him. He does. A lot. 

But maybe he shouldn’t tell him, because he has to keep his distance, because he can’t give in to something it will surely ruin him. A part of him always tells him that, tells him to be careful, tells him to protect himself before he’ll end up too hurt. 

But it’s Seokwoo and he can’t just help it. He lets him do whatever he wants with him, with his body, with his mind, no matter how much it will hurt. He can’t stop. 

So he kisses him again, deeply, and he says to him without hesitation: “I love you too. I love you so much.” 

Seokwoo’s smile is priceless. 

It’s a smile you can’t see from him, it’s not the same he gives on tv or on stage or in photos. He doesn’t smile like this to anyone, not even to Juho. 

And maybe it’s worth it, for that smile, letting him do whatever he wants, thinks Chanhee, letting him ruin him a billion times over. 

The second week, there’s bad news. Not something really bad but still, when Chanhee sees Seokwoo with red eyes and a gloomy expression he thinks the worst. 

They are in Chanhee’s room, and it’s late at night. Seokwoo had to shoot and Chanhee kinda waited for him. He had some mangas to catch up on anyways. 

So he’s laying down in his pyjamas, the one he bought for him and Seokwoo in a matching set, and he sees his (almost) boyfriend looking like absolute hell. 

He immediately goes to him, throwing away his blanket and his manga. 

“Baby.” he says, wishing to be taller so he can hold him properly, instead of being on his tiptoes and still not being able to hug him in a decent way, “what’s wrong.” 

Seokwoo was crying for sure and even now his voice trembles when he speaks. 

“I have to shoot. Two weeks. In Jeju Island. I said no and I tried everything I got mad and I thought my manager was gonna slap me or something. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be apart from you. We have a month then ... and why this one? Why?” 

Chanhee can’t really understand why he’s so upset. Well, surely he’ll miss him for two weeks but it won’t be like ... tragic? People live without seeing their lover a lot more. 

Then Chanhee understands it. It’s not being apart from him, or maybe it is but it’s not the main focus. Seokwoo doesn’t want to lose the time they have decided to spend as boyfriends, afraid that Chanhee won’t want him anymore. 

It’s a silly question, Chanhee would have wanted Seokwoo for a lifetime if he was able to be in a relationship. Still, he hasn’t really thought about their future. When they are together he’s ready to give in, to give him all and screw everything, but when he’s alone his brain tries to pour some sense into him. 

He feels flustered: he didn’t think that their time was so precious to Seokwoo. He’s a kind, gentle e considerate lover, he’s very passionate and straightforward so it’s easy to forget that he was hurt too at some point, and that he probably doesn’t tell but he’s afraid to be left alone. 

Chanhee feels the urge to hold him even closer, to never let him go, to stay forever by his side, or until he won’t be needing him anymore, no matter how much it will hurt. 

“It’s okay” he says, trying to speak in a calm tone, “we’ll catch up. Those weeks won’t count and we’ll add two more weeks to our contract. It’s fine.”

Seokwoo burst into tears. 

Chanhee knows it’s just a breakdown, it’s impossibile not to have it when you work almost every time under pressure and everyone expect a lot from you, but he feels so bad, like somehow it’s his fault, since he’s not ready to have a relationship so he’s playing games with Seokwoo and he’s now hurt. 

But Chanhee doesn’t play at all, that’s the problem. 

He walks him to the bed, helping him to undress and put hi pyjamas on and even cleans his face from the day’s make up, now ruined from his tears, with wipes. 

Seokwoo almost never moves, keeping on crying silently, letting Chanhee do everything to him almost like he’s a doll. 

Only when Chanhee lies next to him he moves, hiding his face in his chest and holding onto him. 

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.” keeps telling him Chanhee. 

He knows Seokwoo needs to let it all out, that he will be okay, that it’s normal for him feeling like this, but he hates seeing him sad. He wants to lift him up, he wants to make it all better, and he hates the fact that he’s not able to do it. 

“Is it ... is it just sex for you?” asks Seokwoo, out of the blue. 

“No? Why are you saying that?” 

Chanhee is concerned. Why bringing up something like this? It’s not like they have sex a lot, they are usually too tired and busy and the thing they do the most besides sleeping hugging each other is just talking. 

“I ... I don’t wanna lose you. I am so afraid. I know you need that contract and I respect that but I don’t want to stop ... whatever we have. Not for Jeju Island and not ...” he doesn’t finish the sentence. 

“I didn’t mean to stop it. We’ll still be ... lovers, I guess, while you’re away, you didn’t understand. Then you’ll be back and we’ll have two more weeks together as lovers then we’ll decide.” 

“I have already decided and you know that.” says Seokwoo, the tone almost cruel. 

Chanhee feels guilty. 

“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. But I don’t wanna lose you either. You don’t understand, losing you will be too much. You are afraid of me forgetting you while you’re away? Seokwoo, you are like a tattoo all over my body. I can’t forget you, you are everywhere.” 

“You know I’ll let you do whatever you want with me? So there’s no need to pretend. You can call it off anytime and ...” 

“I don’t want to.” says Chanhee but Seokwoo speaks again. 

“I’m not finished. I don’t care what you feel about me you can even use me. I’ll let you fuck me, do everything to me. You can take my body and soul, they are yours anyways.” 

Chanhee knows that feeling because he has it too, all the time, burning in his chest. The idea of just letting go, to say yes to Seokwoo and lose himself in him, it’s so appealing that he almost gives in every time. But he knows that his fears will haunt him even like this, that it isn’t safe and he has to protect himself and Seokwoo from the tragedy he takes with him everywhere he goes. 

He knows he’s the problem. He was in every relationship he had, even if he tried to accuse his partners: they showed up late, they forgot stuff, they ignored him. But maybe if he hasn’t been such a needy person everything would have worked. 

“I’m not pretending. I’m in love with you. You can take my body and soul as well because I told you, and I meant it, I am yours.” he kisses Seokwoo, hard, a kiss not meant to comfort him at all, but a needy kiss, almost selfish, “After Jeju Island, I can give you two more weeks or my answer.” 

Seokwoo hesitates, laying under him, and Chanhee can see he’s analysing every possibility. 

Then he chickens out. 

“Two more weeks.” he says. 

Chanhee can see him terrified of a “no” and that is the exact time he decides to say yes to him. He can’t live seeing him sad and afraid. He doesn’t need to be happy he doesn’t need anything but him, laying on the bed but with a smile on his face, the smile that reserved only for him. 

It will hurt when he’ll leave, and probably Chanhee will be forever changed. It will be like being torn apart, but who cares, he can make him happy now. He can be happy with him now. An eternity of pain for a few moments of pleasure, seems fair. 

“I have your answer now” he says and Seokwoo looks even more terrified. 

“After Jeju Island and two weeks. I can’t face it right now.” he says. 

How can he be so afraid? Chanhee now isn’t at all. It’s okay, it’s like he condemned himself to hell, but he’s not here yet. Right now he has Seokwoo and he feels like heaven under his fingers, it’s worth it. 

Still, he respect his decision, and he just kisses him, hoping that it will make somehow him understand that he had won: Chanhee’s his, completely, and now officially. 

But you can’t really escape fate, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! sorry i didn’t update yesterday but i was sick and i really needed to rest, but today thanks god i’m a bit better! that’s so sad thinking everything could have ended here but seokwoo said he doesn’t want the answer yet ...  
> also i’m thinking about of making a part 3 of this story i still don’t know though (this is currently part 2)


	13. 1.2

Chanhee had previously stated that two weeks without Seokwoo wouldn’t surely be a big deal. He’s used to be alone and he likes it a lot. He had planned to catch up on anime and maybe finally hang out with Sanghyuk at some party. Not that being with Seokwoo really stopped him from partying, but usually Seokwoo joined them and they have always left parties early to go make out somewhere since apparently Chanhee likes making out while drunk a lot. 

The second day he spends alone though, Chanhee is in the middle of a full mental breakdown.

He misses him. 

He’s everywhere, he has his clothes on his drawer and his fucking bed smells like him and he even found his horrible and creepy plush, the one Seokwoo used to sleep with for comfort before he started doing it with Chanhee, in his room. 

He constantly thinks about him, and about the fact he isn’t there and he won’t kiss him under the covers and whisper that he loves him. He can’t even eat properly because he’s so busy missing him that his stomach almost refuses foods, he can’t sleep since he miss his warmth in the bed. 

So everything sucks, he has red eyes with bags under them because of his lack of sleep and he looks gloomier than ever. He just lays on the couch, in front of the tv where a movie he’s not paying attention to is playing. 

Youngkyun and Taeyang find him like this, all curled up and looking like hell, and Taeyang almost screams. 

“Fuck, I almost had an heart attack, I thought you were a ghost. What happened?” 

“Seokwoo happened. I bet you’re missing him, right Chanhee?” asks Youngkyun, sitting on the couch and almost on Chanhee’s legs and he hisses at him. 

“I don’t.” he replies. 

“Liar.” says Youngkyun. 

“It’s all over your face that you miss your lover ... how sweet. I get it. When you love someone it’s a bit hard when they’re away.” speaks Taeyang and he sits next to him and pats his head. 

“On the bright side, you two always share a single bed right? You and him both have in your rooms a single bed, so you can finally sleep comfortably without someone in the way that steals all the covers.” adds Youngkyun. 

Chanhee wonders why he’s so cynical. Has he ever been in love with something not from an anime or a comic? Probably not. 

“I don’t want that.” replies Chanhee, gloomy. 

“Exactly, Kyun, you have no heart. You don’t want more space if you love the someone who’s usually taking it. Hold on Chanhee, he’ll be back soon and you’ll get extra cuddles and kisses.” explains Taeyang and pats again Chanhee’s head. 

“It feels horrible.” Chanhee days. 

“Wanna drown the pain in alcohol? I got some soju.” asks Youngkyun and Chanhee is about to reply a strong “yes” but Taeyang speaks first. 

“Absolutely not, you’re not drinking when we have a night off. I don’t want to carry you to bed and take care of you when you’ll be sick.” 

“Last time you carried me bridal style I wanted to repeat the experience, it was very nice.” replies Youngkyun. 

“You didn’t seem to enjoy it, you were crying because L from Death Note is dead. But I’ll carry you right now if you only think about opening a bottle of soju.” 

“You have to fight me.” it’s Youngkyun reply, said with a smirk on his face. 

“I’m gonna punch you in the face I swear to god you are so annoying tonight. Our friend is having a breakdown and you’re here being an idiot.” says Taeyang rolling his eyes.

“Oh, you like it rough? Me too.” 

Youngkyun smiles to Taeyang again and he rolls his eyes again.

“Chanhee you are lucky Seokwoo is decent and not a dickhead like Kyun.” 

“HEY!” 

“Shut up. Chanhee, wanna watch something together? I can exile Youngkyun so we can have a smart and decent conversation.” proposes Taeyang. 

Youngkyun tries to say something but Taeyang cuts him out with a glare. 

“It’s okay, I was going to bed anyways.” replies Chanhee.

What Chanhee doesn’t say it’s that being around the two of them makes him miss Seokwoo more. Taeyang and Youngkyun have this amazing chemistry and they have clearly a strong bond. They are so comfortable around each other and the only person with Chanhee feels like this is Seokwoo. Of course Seokwoo and him haven’t been best friends for ages like them so they don’t have that kind of intimacy, but they are indeed intimate. 

He misses even bickering with him for useless things like how much food they need to order or what pizza topping they should choose. He misses sitting on his lap and watch tv shows while Seokwoo holds him, he misses their goodnight kisses and the way Seokwoo used to dry his hair after the shower. 

He just doesn’t know how to make this feeling stop and it probably won’t stop since every second he spends missing him is a second when he falls for him even harder. 

And so he lies there, feeling empty and alone, restless. The only few seconds of peace are those when Seokwoo text, and he promised to call everyday. Their calls have been short, because he was clearly exhausted, but they made Chanhee miss him even more. 

So he goes to his room, reassuring Taeyang and Youngkyun that’s okay, and he’ll just sleep, and he hugs the horrible plush Seokwoo used to sleep with, trying to find some comfort. 

He just wishes Seokwoo will be back already. 

When his manager said to him he had the weekend off an idea started forming on Chanhee’s mind. 

He can go visit Seokwoo. 

He asked Youngkyun (and Taeyang) and their replies were positive, well, Youngkyun said that it was a great idea and surely getting laid for the weekend would help his nostalgia and Taeyang found him going to Seokwoo “so sweet”.

He’s still not sure if it will be a good idea. Maybe Seokwoo would like to work without being bothered by him, besides it’s not like he can be with him the entire time: Seokwoo works and they’ll probably spend just the evening together, and of course the night. 

Chanhee doesn’t really know what to do. He wants to ask him, but he’s too afraid that Seokwoo will say yes just because he suggested it and he doesn’t want to let him down. 

He tried to explain this to Youngkyun and Taeyang and they said that he was an idiot and that Seokwoo will be thrilled of having him. 

Still, he is afraid. He’s afraid of being too much, like he’s always been. Normal people don’t fly for the weekend to see their boyfriend that’s just working away for a few weeks. Normal people are chill and not that clingy. 

And also, will Seokwoo do the same for him? Will Seokwoo care? Maybe now yes but he’s afraid, over time, he won’t. No one really put up with him for very long. 

He misses him, but he don’t want to bother him or being too much. So he waited until friday afternoon, when Seokwoo called. 

He almost decided to give up about going, since it sounded crazy and clingy and stupid and Seokwoo sure wouldn’t be happy having him around while working, but during their call Seokwoo said, his voice cracking a bit like it always did during their phone calls: “I wish you were here”. 

And Chanhee, again, hopes. 

He can feel his heart racing, he has to hold his phone with both hands since he started trembling, and he can only say, whispering, because his voice won’t come out: “For real?” 

“Yeah. I’d do anything to just see you for a second. I don’t have any day off but if I had even just one I swear I’d took the first flight and come back to Seoul even for a couple of hours, but here everything is super packed and when I asked the production they looked at me like they wanted me dead ... I mean, I don’t blame them since I threw a tantrum and I didn’t wanna come then I ask for days off ... my manager said to me that if I ever do something like this again he will personally strangle me. Maybe if the old hag would ...” 

“I have the weekend off. I can come if you want.” says Chanhee. 

Well, he actually said it like ihavetheweekendofficancomeifyouwant without even catching a breath, with his heart beating so loud that he thinks it’s gonna explode. 

He expect Seokwoo’s voice to change, to fake happiness, to say to him that of course he wants to, in that condescending tone he knows way too better, the tone every single person he tried to love used with him. 

He was always tolerated, not loved. So he’s used to fake happiness, to beg for a tiny space in people’s lives and adjust himself in it while it becomes smaller and smaller. And in the end he always takes too much space or time, so he’s left alone. 

So he’s wonderstruck hearing Seokwoo that almost screams and he can also hear something falling or maybe breaking and Seokwoo apologise to someone. 

“Really?? I mean ai think I knocked over a plant or something, no jokes. But are your serious? You can really come here? I’ll BEG for at least the afternoon off I’ll say my stomach hurt or something I’m getting it. Are you like serious? Because oh my god ... I’m coming to the airport, promise. I’ll beg for it I’m ready to do whatever they’ll ask me. That is so ...” 

Seokwoo blabbers for a while about how happy he is, about how is gonna convince everyone he needs free time to pick him up and spend time with him and Chanhee feels something warm in his chest. 

It feels like a dream. It feels new, it feels amazing, being wanted. Hearing Seokwoo being so enthusiastic about him coming over for the weekend, like it’s something so wonderful he can’t even find the words to properly describe it. And Chanhee for once doesn’t feel like he’s taking too much space, he doesn’t feel like a child who always exaggerates, but he feels right. He feels for once at the right place, right time, right moment. He feels right. 

“... and thank you, baby, for real. It’s ... I swear, I can’t describe how happy you’re making me. I’ll give you kisses and hugs and ... I have a king size bed is it okay? I mean, is it okay for you to sleep in my hotel room? Or I can get another one fancier. Anything you like. And I’ll treat you anything you like. And I’ll come pick you up anytime and ...” 

“It’s okay, I just want to be with you. The hotel room is fine and I can get a cab and go to your hotel.” says Chanhee. 

He wants to say more, he wants to be able to tell him how much his enthusiasm means to him, how much he feels the hole inside his chest not only stop growing but also becoming a bit smaller, but he can’t. 

“Absolutely not. I’m a gentleman and you deserve someone who picks you up at the airport so I’ll come. No one would leave his boyfriend alone at the airport.” 

Chanhee feels like a lot of people actually do that. His girlfriends probably couldn’t care less if it was them, since he’s a grown ass man and he knows how to take a cab alone. 

But Seokwoo doesn’t, and it feels so nice. 

Chanhee spent his plane ride listening to Taylor Swift and in anticipation. He almost run off the second they said they could start to get off and he almost forgot to put his sunglasses on since he was literally running towards the exit. 

He’s now walking fast between people, trying to go as quickly as he can without making people stare at him. He can see people through the glass doors, waiting for their loved ones. He walks a bit faster, passing a family with two little kids and a couple holding hands and then he’s walking through the exit, and he’s there. 

He can easily spot him, even if he can’t see his face since he’s wearing a mask and a hat and he can barely see his eyes, but Seokwoo is so tall that’s impossible not to notice. 

He’s wearing a long coat and light washed jeans, probably trying to looks as plain as possible and actually people are for the most part ignoring him, but for Chanhee he’s all he can see. 

He’s here. 

They can’t hug, of course, or hold hands or kissing, they can’t even think about it. But Seokwoo waves at him an he waved back and it’s somehow enough. 

They start walking side to side, hands in their pockets, and Seokwoo is asking him about his flight and Chanhee blabbers something as a reply, when someone accidentally hits Chanhee accidentally with their luggage. 

“Be careful!” says Seokwoo to the person, but they were already away, probably running to catch a plane or something. 

He also surrounds Chanhee’s waist with his arm for a second, probably to protect him, even if it’s too late, but Chanhee feels so good, so cared for, that he almost screws everything up and kisses him there. 

Seokwoo’s here, looking like a daydream and he’s his. Seokwoo is walking with him and he’s protecting him and he’s touching him, and him only. 

And when he’s with him, Chanhee feels different. Not always, but in certain moments, like now, he can feel good, he can feel relaxed. Seokwoo can lift him up, above his fears, his hesitations, his past, Seokwoo is above the whole scene. He makes him feel like he’s brand new, not some toy that was used and tossed away everytime like he is. 

“I really wish I could kiss you right now.” he says, blushing a bit under his mask. 

“I wished that the second I saw you coming.” replies Seokwoo. 

“I love you.” 

It’s the first time Chanhee says it without it being just a reply to Seokwoo or something he needs to make his point. And it’s the first time he wants to say it, and wants Seolwoo to hear it just because he can’t properly explain what he’s feeling right now, how grateful he is, how good he’s feeling. 

He never liked saying it, to his previous lovers it felt forced and fake, to Seokwoo it felt scary before, because loving Seokwoo was something he scared the hell out fo him. It was like driving a new Maserati down to a dead end street, like Taylor Swift said. 

Right now it doesn’t feel like that. He can still feel the rush and the butterflies and everything but the treacherous feeling that used to haunt him is quiet. 

“I love you too, baby, I love you so much.” 

And for the first time he thinks that maybe, somehow, Seokwoo will stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why i can only write chapters where chani thinks all the time and nothing happens ...


	14. 1.3

Chanhee’s laying on the side, eating a candy. It’s Seokwoo’s candy, actually, since he said it was a fan’s gift: a lot of candies. Which is amazing, since everyone loves candies, and also sad, because while shooting actors have to diet so no candies for Seokwoo. 

Chanhee gave him one though, forcing him to eat it by pressing it over his lips and then kissing him after he opened his mouth and swallowed it. 

Seokwoo usually doesn’t eat much while shooting. Not like anyone does but he always skips meals and sometimes he gets so thin that his ribs shows way too much and he looks pale and almost sick without make up. Chanhee doesn’t like it and he always tries to be sure that he’s properly nourished. 

He swallows the candy, taking another one and biting it, and he looks at Seokwoo, who’s laying next to him and smiling. 

“I’m so happy” says Seokwoo and kisses his lips, still smiling. 

Chanhee’s happy too. He’s the happiest he has ever been, actually. 

He’s finally with Seokwoo after a whole week, he can touch him and kiss him and hug him, and it feels like heaven. It feels warm and cozy, like being finally in bed after a long day of work. Well, technically they are in bed, but Chanhee surely isn’t happy because he’s laying on a mattress. 

“You look so happy.” he says and he almost wants to say that he, too, is happy, and he loves him and he doesn’t want to ever leave the room. 

Seokwoo giggles and kisses him again. 

“I looked gloomy all week. I was so ... upset, and sad too, that we couldn’t be together. When you are not around I always feel like something’s missing. But now you are here and you kissed me for hours and I feel better. Even if I have to work tomorrow I’m so happy. You make me so happy.” he says and kisses Chanhee’s nose. 

Chanhee snuggles into him, kissing his chest softly. 

“Youngkyun would say it’s because you got laid. But I appreciate that either way.” 

Seokwoo hits carefully his forehead, giving him an eye roll. 

“Don’t be like this. I’m happy because you are here. Getting laid is a consequence but I’m not lying if I say that just looking at you brightens my day.” 

It’s the same for Chanhee too. Seokwoo is his main source of happiness, and that is beyond scary. Chanhee should be worried about him leaving, about getting his own heart broken, he should worry about a million things, but right now he just can’t. 

He can just enjoy Seokwoo’s warmth and gentle hug, and being finally, finally kissed by him everywhere and as much as he wants. He’d just spend his time like this, kissing and cuddling, until he has to leave again. 

It’s so strange, because he hates cuddling usually but with Seokwoo is so nice, he doesn’t feel forced to do anything. He doesn’t really have to think about what to do or where to touch him: everything comes naturally, he only does what he likes and Seokwoo loves it, sometimes he’s almost purring. And Chanhee loves when Seokwoo is happy. 

“You can look at me all night. I don’t really plan to go anywhere.” he says. 

Seokwoo kisses him. 

“Then I’ll be happy all night. What do you want for dinner?” Seokwoo’s smile fades a bit, “I think we can’t go out, I mean, people know that I am here and someone has figured out the hotel too and probably going to a restaurant here won’t be as safe as going in one in Seoul.” 

Chanhee doesn’t mind eat in Seokwoo’s room but he feels uneasy. 

Being gay for an idol isn’t a piece of cake. They had always been super careful, and if their relationship will continue they’ll forever have to be. No idol is free to date, but dating someone of the same sex is just ... not contemplated. 

Chanhee knows that this will be a severe issue for their relationship, and if they won’t break up for something he will do they’ll do it because of it. Gay relationships for idols can’t last, not if they actually care about their job. 

Seokwoo cares. 

Chanhee doesn’t, he’ll always choose Seokwoo and he worked almost all his life. He won’t be bothered by a change, and as much as he likes his work he’s not really passionate about it. Chanhee is not passionate at all, he likes things but he won’t go overboard for them. He has always been cold and distant in every aspect of his life and he thinks he still is now, even if he’s wrapped in his lover’s arms and he’s kissing him here and there, just because he wants to. 

He loves Seokwoo, and he’s willing to do kinda everything for him but the best thing is that he actually can be cold and distant with him at the same time because Seokwoo understands. Or he acts like it. Seokwoo doesn’t mind if he doesn’t really say that he loves him, if he’s not romantic and if he can’t really cuddle: he does that for him and lets Chanhee love him in his own way without making him feel like he’s incapable to love. 

“I don’t mind, I only want to be with you, plus, if we eat here we can do that naked and I think that you undressed is the best view Jeju Island can offer me. Do you mind? Not the naked thing, eating in.” 

Chanhee knows he does, but he still asks. 

“Yeah, I do.” he says sincerely and Chanhee is feeling so sorry about it that he lowers his head instinctively. 

He knows that having a secret like this does more harm than good, he knows that love won’t be enough to keep them going. 

“But that’s okay. I mean, anyone would get mad about not being able to go places with his lover. It’s bullshit, I am a human, lord, I just work as an idol.” adds Seokwoo. 

Yes, the dating thing is insane: Chanhee never understood why people hated the idea of idols dating. It never really concerned him, because he had never been really invested in any of his relationships to ever think about going public. 

He had always thought he’d be alone for life so that wasn’t really his concern: he won’t date long enough to be upset about not being able to love publicly someone. 

But then Seokwoo happened. 

And with him he wanted things he had never wanted before, he wants to hold his hand while walking in the streets, he wants to kiss him in front of his door, he wants to go to places and make everyone jealous because he’s with Seokwoo, he’s his boyfriend and they could never. 

But they can’t. 

“It’s just dumb” says Chanhee, gloomily.

He wants to say something more, but words are just stuck in his throat. 

“It makes me so mad. I mean, if we were heterosexuals sooner or later we would come out but like, a gay relationship? Never. Fucking homophobes. What’s the difference if I date you or my ex, besides the fact that you are actually nice and she’s a piece of garbage? The fact is, no one really cares about our happiness. We are just toys for people’s enjoyment.” 

Chanhee is genuinely surprised Seokwoo doesn’t blame him. Like, if Chanhee had been a girl things would have been different. Seokwoo is blaming the people and it’s new for him. 

Chanhee always thinks he’s the problem. He never questions others, he always knows he’s the one who’s wrong. Because he’s different, because he’s sad, because he has issues and he isn’t normal. He always does the wrong thing, he’s always in trouble and he’s a liability to everyone. 

“Yeah, maybe if we were a boy and a girl ...” he says, but Seokwoo interrupts. 

“Maybe if people weren’t so ignorant and dumb, you mean that?” he corrects him and Chanhee hopes again. 

Chanhee is still sure he’s a liability, but maybe not to Seokwoo. 

Seokwoo had to work so Chanhee had to spend almost a day alone in the room. He doesn’t want to go out: the risk of meeting anyone who knows him is high, between fans and Seokwoo’s stuff, so he stays in. 

Besides that, he is tired: Seokwoo insisted to take him somewhere in the middle of the night and he said yes. Besides, it was worth it: a very nice walk on the shore where no one was around since it was super cold and the middle of the night. They could even kiss, in an hidden and dark spot behind the rocks, just a quick peck on the lips, but it was still something. 

They walked hand in hand, and despite the freezing cold Chanhee never felt happier: he was there, with his boyfriend, holding his hand and kissing on the beach. It feels like a miracle. 

Chanhee had never been kissed at the beach before. He had never even been loved like this before, or loved at all by anyone who wasn’t blood related to him. And he wanted more, he wanted to make out, he wanted to high him and be sappy, but he knows that even walking like this is too risky. But they did it anyways. 

He misses it. He misses Seokwoo’s hand in his, his quick kiss on the shore. Now he’s alone, wearing a shirt that belongs to him as a pyjamas because it smells like Seokwoo, and he rolls himself in the sheets that smell like them, and it’s even better. He hugs Seokwoo’s pillow like it’s a plush and waits. 

He feels like the side chick, waiting for his man in a hotel room while he’s elsewhere pretending that he doesn’t exist, even if he’s not, even if he’s Seokwoo’s almost boyfriend and Seokwoo has eyes only for him. 

A voice in his head tells him to not be so sure, to not to trust him this much, because Seokwoo can be hooking up with ten people without him knowing. People are people and they always change their minds, maybe Seokwoo changed his mind in the week they spent apart. 

But it’s so unlikely to Chanhee, and it’s weird because he can’t really trust people and now he’s trusting Seokwoo. He’s trusting his words, his whispers during the night and he can’t really understand why. 

Love makes people stupid but he had never been like this. He had never been waiting, hiding in a hotel room, like a dirty little secret, for his lover to comeback to him. 

It feels like Christmas morning when he does. Seokwoo enters in the room with his make up still on, his hair a mess, looking like he just run off from set to come back as quickly as he can and Chanhee runs to him, in his arms, and kisses him deeply. 

“Welcome back” he says, his tone too adoring for really being him speaking but he doesn’t care. 

“I’m a mess, but the second shooting was over I called a cab. My manager thinks I’m crazy, I told him I had a videocall and to mind his own business. He keeps asking why I am acting like a teenager.” 

Chanhee knows really well Seokwoo’s manager: he’s kind, but he can’t really deal with kids or teens. He worked well with Seokwoo since he was always kinda submissive and never said no to anything. 

Right now, of course, everything is different. Seokwoo always asks for free time, runs away alone all the time and he even threw a tantrum. He never did, he never really asked for anything, working until late without blinking an eye. 

And then, while Seokwoo is talking about him being on set and rushing through everything and getting super pissed at his co actors when they made a mistake, since he wanted to be done with filming as quick as he could, Chanhee understands why he trusts him. 

His last relationships were always based on words. People saying sorry, thank you, I love you, and him being forced to swallow them, like they were super disgusting medicines, or even to reply to them. The words were so hard to even hear, so sour they were disgusting, because they were all fake. 

Words are important in a relationship, talking, having a weird contract on your notes app even, but they aren’t all. They are nothing, if actions don’t follow.

None of the people Chanhee dated before really bothered to act like they loved him. No one really made an effort to listen to him, to understand him, to give him comfort or to even just spend time with him. They were always late, busy, or had a lot going on, so he had to make himself small and shut up, since they always told him he was loved. And he had to pretend those words weren’t poison, he had to pretend those words weren’t hurting him so much that he’d have preferred being insulted. 

Seokwoo is different. 

Seokwoo tells him he loves him but it doesn’t feel like he had felt with other people. It feels sweet, warm, like the tea with honey he used to make for him in hotel rooms. It’s because he also acts like he loves him. He always listens, he tries his best to have free time to spend with him, he does everything for him. 

And everything feels so warm, everything feels almost safe and Chanhee keeps hoping that maybe he’ll stay, that maybe they’ll work out somehow. That maybe love will be enough. 

Or maybe it won’t. 

Chanhee comes back with an early morning flight. 

Seokwoo went to the airport with him, even if they hadn’t really slept the night and he had to shoot. He was there, walking on his side, and he even squeezed his hand for a second as a goodbye, since a kiss or a hug were too risky. 

Chanhee slept all of his flight, still feeling the warmth of Seokwoo’s hand on his. 

Just one week, then they could be together, have their ten minutes a day for talking and kissing. He keeps thinking that, he thought of it before falling asleep and even after he woke up.

He kept repeating that in his head, like a mantra, getting off the plane and then going out of the airport, taking his phone out of his pocket and putting it off airplane mode so he could use his taxi app. 

A billion text from his group chat with his colleagues pop on his screen but he has no time to read them since Youngbin calls him. 

He answers, a sense of uneasiness bulking up in his chest. 

“Chanhee! Where the fuck were you? Have you read our message? Come to the dorms now.” 

Youngbin is usually kind. He’s their leader and he understood over time that screaming at them was no use, since usually someone like Hyuk or Youngkyun always got back at him and the thing ended up being an endless discussion. So Youngbin learned to talk to them gently, and hearing him being so rude and even curse is new to Chanhee. 

And it’s terrifying. 

“What happened?” he asks, fearing the answer. 

Someone got hurt? Someone wants to leave? The agency is firing them? A billion things come to his mind. 

“Gay rumours. Serious ones.” says Youngbin and Chanhee drops his phone on the ground. 

It’s over, before even starting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for updating this late, this week had been a rollercoaster. I think i’ll be able to go back to our usual schedule at least until the end of the year, here new years is a big holiday and i have to work a lot. thank you so much for reading and sorry again for the late update


	15. 1.4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains homophobic themes, be aware of that!

Chanhee feels nauseous. He barely got into a cab and he’s now replaying in his head every single touch he shared with Seokwoo. Their soft and gentle kisses seem now something weird, sick, indecent. Something he should be ashamed of, something dirty. 

How much they know? Do they have proofs? Pictures? Someone hacked their phones, where they have a few pictures together, some even kissing? Or more? Do they have videos? Text conversations? 

Chanhee feels sick. 

It can’t be happening, they had been super careful. They always triple check every time they hold hands on empty streets, they dared to kiss in public just once on an empty shore. But that somehow was enough to get them caught. 

He stumbles getting off the cab and he barely manages to walk to their dorms. 

It can’t be happening, not yet, not now, when things are barely started, no, they were not even started. He still has to tell Seokwoo his answer, he still has to give him a proper chance. 

And now he can’t. 

He opens the door, looking probably like hell, only to see everyone gathered in the kitchen looking at him. 

Do they know? How much? Have Youngkyun and Taeyang said anything? What does he have to say? That he’s sorry? He isn’t. He now feels like everything he did with Seokwoo was some perverted sick thing, even their most loving and chaste kiss on the cheek, but he still isn’t sorry. It felt so good. 

He’s sick, he’s twisted, he’s evil and everything but he isn’t sorry to have done all that, for how disgusting it may seem. It was amazing, he’ll do that all over again. 

He wonders if the guys will be disgusted. 

“Finally, Chanhee, sit. Seokwoo’s shooting so we can’t reach him. And we need to discuss that.” says Youngbin and Chanhee obediently sits on the floor. 

Youngbin doesn’t look mad. No one is, and no one is looking at him, which is weird. Maybe they still don’t know. Maybe he’ll now be outed to everyone. 

“I really don’t think it’s necessary. I mean, being gay is not a big deal. I think we can just move forw...” says Juho, and Chanhee feels warmth in his chest. 

He knows Juho knows about him and Seokwoo. They never spoke about it, but Juho’s kinda Seokwoo’s best friend so Seokwoo talks to him. And of course Juho is okay with people being attracted to someone of the same gender as them, since he loves Seokwoo a lot and Seokwoo is bisexual. 

Chanhee knows little about their friendship, but he feels like Juho has been Seokwoo’s main supporter for a long time. He may have had a huge role in Seokwoo’s acceptance of his sexuality, and surely had one when Seokwoo’s heart was broken. Seokwoo has always told Chanhee how much he meant to him and how much their friendship is precious to him, and Chanhee can see now why: Juho has always Seokwoo’s back. 

But Youngbin interrupts. 

“It is. They claim they have footage of some of us kissing a man in a gay club. They posted on twitter and they got attention, of course. The company is looking into it, before releasing a statement that it’s false. They’ll talk to us individually but we need to decide what to do, and we need to know if it’s true or false and who was it.” 

“You can’t force people to come out.” answers kindly Juho. 

“Well, I can if my job is on the line.” replies Youngbin. 

“Can’t the company say it’s false?” asks Inseong. 

“So if they do and they’ll release a video of any of us kissing another man? Don’t you have a brain Inseong?” says Youngbin angrily. 

“So, you want that basically any of us who’s not straight comes out now? I just think we have to stand up for each other no matter who he is and if they’ll release anything.” asks Sanghyuk. 

It can’t be them. Chanhee and Seokwoo never went to a gay club together nor kissed outside of any club. They don’t do that in public usually. 

But he can’t really feel like he’s out of the woods. 

“I’d personally like to know thanks to who I am risking my job.” replies Youngbin. 

“Sorry? So we can’t even make out outside a club without some creep makes a video of us and you think that whoever it was is the problem?” asks Sanghyuk. 

“Well, if I were gay I won’t surely go out and make out with someone, I think if you are an idol and gay you shouldn’t act like it until ...”

“Listen to me, you useless prick. If someday I’ll wake up and I’ll want to suck a dick I’ll suck a fucking dick and no one, not you, not Inseong, not Jaeyoon, no one ever, can tell me “not to act like it”. Just say you are an homophobic piece of trash and go fuck yourself.” says Sanghyuk, standing and looking at Youngbin in the eyes. 

“Go ahead, ruin your career just to get laid! I am not homophobic I just think that idols shouldn’t be gay while they still work ...” 

Chanhee feels sick. 

So Youngbin thinks that? He would have never thought he was that kind of person. Sure, lgbt rights are no usual conversation topic between them, and Youngbin isn’t his friend but he’s still his coworker. They shared many memories and struggles and he’s like this? He will be disgusted if he knew that Chanhee likes men. He would be disgusted by him and Seokwoo just simply existing because they are dating each other. 

Chanhee isn’t usually bothered by other people’s opinions. He got used on being disliked or hated for no reason since he was little but it’s different when someone you know and you live with hates you for an idiotic reason. It feels like being sick in his stomach, it feels like being out of breath, because he never thought some of his coworkers will be like this. Managers, maybe. Not one of them. 

“So gays can’t fall in love because we live in an homophobic industry and society? Are you even listening to yourself?” interrupts him Sanghyuk. 

“It’s not like they fall in lo...” 

Youngbin can’t finish the sentence because Taeyang punches him in the face. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear him anymore.” he says. 

“Oh my god, Taeyang ... that was hot. Like, I didn’t know you had that in you.” says Youngkyun, looking at him in disbelief like everyone in the room. 

“Are you crazy?!” says Youngbin, “you can disagree with me but punching me? Why? Are you gay?” 

“I am gay. And I swear, I’d punch you myself. My fucking existence isn’t your opinion, Youngbin. You aren’t allowed to have an opinion on my basic human rights.” says Youngkyun and the room becomes silent. 

Chanhee looks at him. 

It can’t be. Youngkyun who’s always charming with girls, who always looks so happy, not like someone who’s keeping a secret like this, gay? 

How come Chanhee didn’t notice? How come he doesn’t know? Does Taeyang know? 

Chanhee is confused. He thought that Youngkyun was straight, like, his straight almost friend, like Juho is to Seokwoo. Youngkyun never told him anything about boys or dating boys, he acted like Chanhee being gay wasn’t much of a news or something to really think about but he did that because he was gay? 

How he didn’t notice? Youngkyun is the one who’s the closest to him, how come he had never even had a doubt? He was so sure he was straight. 

“Come on, don’t be ridiculous. You are not gay. Gay people are not like you.” says Youngbin. 

“Like what? Do I need to dress in pink and leopard print to make you believe that I like men? It doesn’t work like that. Or maybe you think that since I never tried to hit on you I am not gay? Just say more of your homophobic bullshit, come on.” says Youngkyun, looking at Youngbin angrily. 

Youngbin and pretty much everyone else is speechless. 

“Also, if anyone doesn’t believe him, here’s your proof.” says Taeyang and he walks to him, wrapping him in his arms and kissing him deeply. 

Chanhee feels like an idiot. 

Of course, it’s them. The feeling of always being left out when they were alone? The feeling of them sharing something unique that they didn’t share with anyone else? They were dating, they are dating, that’s why Chanhee always felt like this. 

It was so obvious, the constant bickering, the fact they tell each other everything, they even came out from the same room and Chanhee totally didn’t question it. 

He feels so dumb. 

“What?? Since when??” asks Jaeyoon in disbelief. 

“Five years.” says Taeyang. 

“So you two are dating since predebut and no one noticed? I mean ... how? Are you two some ninjas or something?” asks Inseong, “and congratulations by the way.” 

“We are actually engaged, not like we can even be married by the law, but whatever. And we didn’t really try that hard to hide from you guys, we even joined our beds when we shared a room and we always wanted to be each other roommates ... you are just dumb.” replies Taeyang. 

“Disgusting.” says Youngbin, “how did you two dare to ...” 

“Yeah, whatever, ‘how they dare’ who the fuck are you, Lord Voldemort? Shut the hell up you piece of shit or I’m punching you in the face and I won’t be as gentle as Taeyang.” says Sanghyuk looking at Youngbin. 

“You wouldn’t ...” he can’t finish the sentence because Sanghyuk punches him again and he falls off his chair. 

Chanhee isn’t sorry at all. 

“Oh, the hell I would.” he says. 

“GET OUT, EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT!” screams Youngbin, putting himself back on his feet but no one moves. 

“No.” says kindly Juho, “I don’t think I will.” 

“I really think you should get out. I don’t really wanna share my room with an homophobic piece of trash like you.” adds Jaeyoon. 

Youngbin looks betrayed. 

He and Jaeyoon were really close. They are always together, having fun and everything, but now Jaeyoon looks at him with cold and infuriating eyes. 

Chanhee feels proud. 

Chanhee feels warm in his chest, because his coworkers are standing for him, without even knowing. He feels good, he feels understood, seeing them fighting for him, even if they don’t know. 

They understand. 

He’s not sick and twisted because he is in love with a man, they said it’s normal, they stood by their saying and they fought Youngbin, their leader, without backing up. 

He feels so grateful, he can’t even speak. 

“Yeah, get out before I change my mind and kick your ass.” says Sanghyuk. 

“Don’t you dare say that to me! I am your leader! I made you all! Without me you’d be ...” 

“Totally fine not having a piece of shit between us. You get out NOW, and I’m not asking. You can’t live with us or be with us, you said something so disgusting and hurtful to two of us that are lgbt because you think you are entitled to have an opinion on BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS. I won’t tolerate my coworkers, my friend, not feeling safe in their own home because of you. GET OUT!” screams Sanghyuk. 

Chanhee really wants to hug him. Sanghyuk looks composed, despite all the screaming going on, firm on his feet, looking at Youngbin without even blinking. 

“You can’t...” starts Youngbin. 

“Get out.” says Juho, who’s still sitting on his chair and has spoken very little, but his tone makes everyone’s blood run cold. 

Juho doesn’t get mad. Despite his scary appearance he’s very friendly and he’s known to be super nice to everyone and everyone that knows him likes him. He isn’t scared to show his most vulnerable self too, not being afraid to cry and ask for help, so he doesn’t really feel like he’s intimidating or anything, getting to know him. 

Chanhee had seen him mad just once besides now. It was when they were having lunch with other people and some of them said something very misogynous. There were women in their table and Juho said to him, not even raising his voice but using the same time he used now, cold and angry, to apologise to them. The guy did immediately. 

So Juho knows how to get respect, and no one is brave enough to stand in his way. 

And Youngbin leaves. 

The second he does Sanghyuk drops on the floor, breathing heavily. Inseong runs to him, holding him and commanding water. Jaeyoon runs to the sink. 

Chanhee goes near Sanghyuk. He wants to thank him, because he really did most of the talk and he fought for him, even if he doesn’t know that. He had always admired Sanghyuk so much, his ability to uplift the mood wherever he goes, his loyalty to his friends and all the efforts he makes for his work, but right now he admires him even more. 

He’s trying to find the words, but Youngkyun speaks first. 

“Easy, easy.” he says, sitting on the floor and patting him on his shoulder, “Thank you. You were so brave. You fought so hard for something that doesn’t even concern you. Thank you, and thanks to all of you. We would have never expected that Youngbin will react that way and you all were so kind, especially you, Hyuk.” 

“Of course he concerns me. I may be not gay or anything lgbt but I am a part of this world, I am human and I have to fight for human rights.” he replies, and then he drinks the water Jaeyoon’s handing him. 

“I think everyone agrees on that. We are all on your side. We’ll protect you.” says Inseong. 

“Thank you. But we never kissed or went to a gay club, so I think they’re bluffing.” replies Taeyang, but he looks at Chanhee, asking with his eyes if maybe it was him and Seokwoo. 

Chanhee shakes his head. 

“If you want to come out, we’ll support you. If you don’t, we’ll fight to the death to silence every rumor.” says Juho, “I think everyone is ready to swear and testify that you were with us whenever that happened.” 

Youngkyun and Taeyang both lower their eyes. 

Chanhee knows why. They just can’t come out. You can’t do that and expect people to work with you, not in South Korea. You have to give up on your dreams, your career, anything, if you want to be openly gay and you are an idol. 

“I don’t think we are ready to come out.” whispers Taeyang and Youngkyun holds gently his hand while he speaks. 

“It’s okay,” says Juho, smiling kindly to the both of them, “We are ready to help you on whatever you need since now.” 

Inseong helps Sanghyuk sitting on the couch and he lets him put his head on his shoulder. 

“Sanghyuk spoke today but I assure you,” Inseong says, caressing Sanghyuk’s hair, “everyone here is willing to fight as hard for you.” 

“Totally.” nods Jaeyoon. 

“I like men too.” says Chanhee, out of the blue. 

He doesn’t know why, maybe because secrets are out, the good ones and the bad ones, or maybe because for the first time he didn’t feel like he had to hide, or make himself small, or pretend he doesn’t exist. He didn’t feel like he was somehow born wrong, or he was broken. He’s good, he’s okay, and people are willing to fight for him. 

It’s still scary saying it out loud. 

“THAT’S why you were so quiet! I mean, you are always quiet but you looked all gloomy and scared ... Jesus, Chanhee, I am so sorry you had to hear those bullshit, you are so young. Youngbin is an idiot, gay people are the best and they deserve love and happiness and an amazing career.” says Sanghyuk, immediately revived from the news. 

“Thanks.” says Chanhee, and he looks over to Juho. 

He won’t say anything about Seokwoo, because it isn’t his place to tell people about his sexuality. If he’d like to, he will, but before that Seokwoo’s sexual orientation is Seokwoo’s only, and he has to decide if he wants to share it or not. Juho gives him a tiny smile, like he’s saying he understand and he agrees.

“I’m so sorry you had to hear all that” says Jaeyoon, “again I think everyone here agrees to give you full support. I hope he didn’t hurt too much.” 

“It didn’t because you shut him up.” replies Chanhee. 

“Exactly.” adds Youngkyun. 

Chanhee feels his facial muscles ache and he touches his face, realising only now that he’s smiling, and he rarely does. Despite the aching, he smiles a bit bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn’t even rochan and i am sorry about that and i am even more sorry to youngbin ... i needed a villain ;w; thank you so much for reading this and see you on the next chapter!


	16. 1.5

Seokwoo already knew when Chanhee tried to tell him. Maybe it was because after the fight and the consequent talking they all kinda curled onto each other on the couch, with an old lame tv show running on the tv no one really cared about. They fell asleep like that, Chanhee on Taeyang’s lap, but everyone was on everyone and they all woke up with their bodies aching. 

They rushed all to work or to the dancing room, and on his way Chanhee tried to tell Seokwoo on the phone, but turns out he already knew. 

“Juho told me” he’s saying, “he called me last night. He woke me up, but I was glad he did. That idiot ... I don’t know how you managed to listen to all that bullshit, I am so sorry. I mean, I am sorry for Kyun and Taeyang too, I am sorry for everyone. How the fuck he had thought that he can have opinions about our rights? Oh, I wish I’d punched him.” 

Chanhee can picture him, Seokwoo as his personal knight, fighting Youngbin to the death. He wouldn’t have probably let him, though, the only idea of Seokwoo hearing those things about himself he’s making him so mad, and he’s sure his madness would have surpassed the dreading feeling he got while listening to Youngbin. 

Chanhee isn’t really a pro of fighting for himself. He just lets things be, honestly, or he distances himself from the situation. He doesn’t fight. 

For Seokwoo, though, he probably will. 

The only idea of him feeling like he felt his making his blood boiling in his veins. Seokwoo can’t, Seokwoo needs to be protected, to always be happy and safe. He doesn’t deserve to have someone telling him his sexual orientation is something he should get rid of. 

“I wish I did too. But don’t worry, his words didn’t really get to me, and I hope the whole situation doesn’t make you feel too bad. And ...” he can’t finish the sentence. 

He wants to tell him that Seokwoo can call their contract off, if he wants to. Being with someone like this in the group won’t be easy at all and he understands. It will break his heart, but he will understand. 

“I don’t feel bad, I am mad. Half of me wants to punch him, the other half want to make out with you in front of him and then punch him.” 

Chanhee is genuinely surprised. 

“You don’t want ... like ...? I mean, we got a gay rumor and I know you really care about your career and I thought ...” he blabbers. 

“You thought I’d want to stop dating you? Chanhee. I told a billion times how much I am in love with you. My career? Fuck it, if it doesn’t allow me to be happy. I want to be an actor and a singer but not as much as I want you. Or ... it’s you? I mean we got a few weeks left but ...” 

Chanhee doesn’t let him finish. 

“No. I want to keep doing this. And I already told you I already have my answer.” he says. 

“Not now.” 

Seokwoo’s voice shakes. 

Chanhee almost tells him, without a warrant. He wants to say to him “it’s a yes, don’t worry, please don’t think I don’t love you, because it’s not true, don’t be hurt, I’ll let you use me however you please, until you get tired and you’ll leave, and I’ll be forever hurt but I don’t care, because maybe we’ll work out, probably not, but you make me hope for it”. 

He doesn’t though, because he respects his wish but also because he’s scared. Being sure of his answer in his mind is way easier than saying it out loud. He can’t go back from that, and it’s scaring, giving his heart, his fragile and broken heart, to him. Seokwoo could crush it any minute, with or without realising it, and it will hurt like hell, more than everything. 

“Okay.” replies Chanhee. 

“Just ... promise you’ll be mine for those weeks. Promise that you’ll fight Youngbin with me if it will be necessary. Promise me you won’t leave me now. I mean, I didn’t lie. I am mad, not sad. But I’m scared too. I’d never expected that from Youngbin and now with gay rumors everything maybe will be different and it’s terrifying. I need you.” 

It’s the first time someone tells him that. Usually people just used him, while simultaneously making him very aware of the fact that, besides the hong they needed from him, he was worthless. He never felt needed as a person. He was just a tool for them. 

Seokwoo needs him, as a person, as someone who can comfort him and cheer him up. 

And Chanhee needs him too, he needs his man, his boyfriend, and not only for weeks. 

So he tells him, whispering. 

“I need you too.” 

The week flew by.   
Working with Youngbin was as shitty as ever and they all ignored him as best as they could, but also, their discussion brought them some new things. 

They kinda become closer. They started to try to eat all together, and spend time together. 

Chanhee likes it. They never really spent this much time off together and it was fun, because Sanghyuk knows amazing places to go, Juho knows everyone everywhere they go, and they are kinda more comfortable to each other now. 

Youngkyun and Taeyang, despite kissing in front of them once for a dare, they are acting exactly like they did before and Chanhee felt like an idiot not noticing how their interactions were clearly ones between lovers and not friends as he thought. 

He kinda learnt he knew nothing about the people he worked with, too. Inseong never sleeps, likes his coffee black but with a ton of sugar and still sucks his thumb when he thinks no one is watching. Sanghyuk isn’t always cheerful as he seems, he looks rather gloomy sometimes and he hates the dark. Jaeyoon is actually very intelligent, like, Seokwoo’s smart, and he likes to do crosswords on his phone, the difficult ones Chanhee can’t even understand. Juho’s a lot more serious than he thought, he knows a lot about everything going on in the world and he spends his time watching movies and documentaries about it with his cats. Taeyang loves flowers and he’s trying to master english, so he tries his best to learn it and sometimes talks in english to himself just to practice. Youngkyun writes random lyrics on the notes in his phone every time they come to his mind and he has like 40 unreleased songs. 

It’s weird, having spent so much time with them without really noticing anything. 

It’s that Chanhee is used to lock himself in his own little word, to spend his free time with his eyes glued in a screen where an anime or a tv show is playing, and he never looks around. He didn’t like to feel present in the moment, he simply liked to forget he’s existing sometimes, getting lost in his favourite stories. The only moments he liked to be himself was when he was singing and dancing, because while you do it you don’t think about anything else. When he stopped, he had to work a lot to block all the noise inside and outside of his head. 

Right now the noise is a lot quieter. He can actually be aware of his surroundings without it making him feel uneasy. So he’s getting to know his coworkers, for the first time after too many years. 

Some of them are clearly friends - or more since there are Kyun and Taeyang dating - but even between some of them there was something that kept them apart. Maybe it’s being overworked, or keeping secrets, or just the fact that they were too busy trying not to fall apart due to the pressure in their work than being friendly.

Right now they aren’t all friends, though. They just try to stick together, because they lost someone, and they’re trying to elaborate. 

Chanhee wasn’t really close to anyone but maybe Youngkyun, but some of them were friends with Youngbin and they loved him a lot. He kinda liked him too, the way you like someone you work with but you aren’t really close with. 

Sanghyuk is the one who’s suffering the most, or at least, the one who’s handling it in the worst way possible. Inseong is clearly restless and anxious sometimes, and Jaeyoon is sleeping into Juho’s room because he feels hurt only seeing the room he shared with Youngbin, but they keep up well. 

Sanghyuk sometimes falls apart. He drinks a lot, then he cries, Chanhee had seen him once in Inseong’s arms, crying his eyes out, and he saw him the second time just a few minutes ago, a bottle of soju in front of him and head lowered on the table. 

He is now holding him, with Inseong who was passing by and he of course stopped to take care of him, without really knowing what to do besides letting Sanghyuk ruin his shirt with make up and tears. 

“It’s okay” says Inseong, “you couldn’t know. It happens, sometimes our friends turns out to be ... not the best. It’s not your fault.” 

“But he is! He is nice, he is always polite, he does fucking charity! Everyone likes him and I liked him and it hurts, because he is a good person. He is kind, he is brilliant and ...” 

“The worst people are always kind,” says Chanhee, remembering his past girlfriends. 

They were always super nice to people, they smiled to everyone and cried for sad movies. They always made sure everyone got an awesome present for Christmas and gave homeless people on the street all of their change. 

Still, they treated him horribly. They treated him so bad he ended up being afraid of relationships, they totally broke him, because they acted nice, but they really weren’t nice. They never listened to him, they ignored his fears and his need of attention, his struggles and his pain without blinking an eye. They only shed tears for themselves, or for fictional characters in movies. 

“I thought he wasn’t like this. I always end up trusting the wrong people and getting hurt.” says Sanghyuk, hiding his face into Chanhee’s shirt. 

“Yeah, but it’s a part of life. Some people end up being shitty, some others won’t. You are hurt now, but you can’t really stop trusting people because ...” is saying Inseong, not really convinced himself, but Chanhee interrupts. 

“Yeah, you can. Don’t force yourself. Take your time, you need to heal. You lost someone who was important to you and you need to focus on yourself. People who care about you will wait for you. It’s okay.” 

Inseong doesn’t say anything, patting Sanghyuk’s back until he stops crying. 

Chanhee looks at him, detangling himself from his embrace, and he notices he’s asleep. 

How quick. 

Inseong helps him to drag Sanghyuk on the couch, and then he covers him with a blanket, sitting on the floor next to him, and he pets his hair. 

“He’ll be okay. He really loved Youngbin and he used to look up to him a lot. A friend break up sometimes hurts more than a relationship ending.” 

Chanhee nods. 

“You know, when I was little I used to have a best friend, it was about when I was eleven. I once told him something that really mattered to me and he didn’t listen. I was dramatic so I stopped talking at all for like a week. He’s a piece of cake compared to my younger self.” Inseong adds. 

Chanhee knows the feeling. He sometimes wondered about doing the same, when he tried to open up and he was never taken seriously. I had put all his efforts to explain that, going out of his comfort zone and actually seeking help just to be ignored. He didn’t stop speaking at all, like Inseong, but he stopped talking about himself. No one really noticed anyways. 

And he knows that maybe Inseong felt that too, and it’s comforting knowing that at least two people in the world felt like this, maybe three, but Seokwoo is an oversharer so he’d probably talked to strangers or anyone just to get things out of his chest. 

“This is why you don’t trust anyone?” asks Chanhee. 

“It’s not like this ...” says Inseong, but Chanhee interrupts. 

“I didn’t trust anyone too, so if it’s like this, it’s okay.” 

“You did? I mean, no offence but you always look either gloomy or like you want to murder everyone on your surroundings. We always thought you despised us, even if Youngkyun said you are just cold and distant.” 

“I am cold and distant. I am sorry if you thought that way, I like everyone. I liked Youngbin too.” replies Chanhee. 

“That’s okay. Just because you act a certain way it doesn’t mean we have to assume things about you. I mean, it’s kinda natural, but I am sorry. We should’ve listened to Youngkyun and tried to understand you better.” 

“It’s okay, I’m working on it. I was ... not okay, for a long time, but I’m trying to get better at least for a while. It’s a bit hard since everything that happened just now, but at least I’m trying.” explains Chanhee. 

It’s weird, because just a few months ago a conversation like this would have been unimaginable for him. 

It’s easier now, it’s like he practiced a lot with Seokwoo. It got used to tell him a few things that were going on in his mind and Seokwoo always listened, always took them seriously and put up with them no matter how weird they were, like their contract. That made it easier to speak about it with other people too, and for the first time Chanhee is noticing that. 

Seokwoo’s changing him. 

“We should try too. And who are they? The person you trust. Your brother? Your mother.” 

Chanhee hesitates a bit, then he replies: “My boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know you all are probably disappointed since i don’t really portray the guys as a friend group but as a bunch of almost strangers, but i have my own reasons, and i want to tell this kind of story, when your friends leave or betray you and you’re never really able to connect to anyone. and rochan isn’t really the main focus in this chapter but i’m trying to write this to kinda elaborate some things, rowoon will be back next chapter so don’t worry, and i am sorry if you expected something different and i know i am selfish to write only what i personally want to and post it, but i don’t really have much space in real life to express myself. 
> 
> also everyone here is kinda dark and twisted and sad but i don’t think they boys are like that whatsoever! they’re probably very nice and much simpler and happier people and they love each other a lot i just like writing about sad people


	17. 1.6

They aren’t okay. Anyone is copying with their fight in a different way, but no one of them is okay. Probably even Youngbin isn’t okay but Chanhee doesn’t like to think about him. 

The fastest and effortless way to get away with bad thoughts for a kpop idol is actually the same for anyone: drinking. Of course it isn’t exactly one of the healthiest or less harmful, but none of them cares. 

They’re having a late dinner, like a super late one, after practice. They usually have dinner before that, a quick and light one, perfect to spend hours and hours in the practice room. 

They hadn’t had time though, they had to shoot and they ended super late then they got straight to practice. They stayed for less than usual, being too tired from the day, and after that they decided to go eating together. 

And they got all drunk. 

“I am NOT drunk.” is saying Sanghyuk, pointing his index finger at his interlocutor, that happened to be the wall behind him. 

“You’re literally talking to a wall.” replies Jaeyoon, who’s trying to keep himself together, but explodes a few seconds later in an hysterical laugh. 

“The wall is muuuch nicer than you.” says Sanghyuk and everyone laughs now. 

“Then when you’ll need someone to lend you a charger like today, ask the well. And I want it back, you PRICK!” 

Jaeyoon points his finger at him, trying to speak in a minacious tone, but the starts giggling in the middle so it comes out ridiculous. 

Chanhee looks at his phone: he has to go. 

He’s drunk, well, not very very drunk, but just a bit. Tipsy, maybe. But not enough to forget that Seokwoo is coming back and he promised to pick him up at the airport. 

Of course Seokwoo isn’t coming back alone: he’s with his manager, his staff and everything, but thankfully he got a free night so they’ll say goodbye to them there, and he’s supposed to go wherever he wants to alone. 

Wherever he wants to also happened to be a cab with Chanhee and later an hotel room they booked in advance. 

Sure it won’t be like Jeju Island, where they could walk next to each other in the airport, it would be too suspicious seeing Chanhee showing up there with no management and without a reason, since there will be fansites, press and everything. Even the taxi thing is risky. But it’s okay, and Chanhee is too drunk to care, maybe not drunk on wine, but on love for sure. 

He’ll be there in hours, next to him. He will be able to hug him and kiss him and hold his hand (in the hotel room, maybe he could like touch his hand a couple of times in the cab without the driver noticing) and everything will be better. 

He misses him. His week had been a crap week, with all that happened: they got scolded at work for the gay rumor, they had to face Youngbin almost everyday on schedules and Chanhee also got rejected at every single audition he went to. And he had no Seokwoo to ask for a hug, when he felt down. 

Chanhee kinda hates that, the fact that he is his safe space, the only one that can make him better: if he leaves, he will be left stranded like every single time he found comfort in something. He thought it was the world telling him that he didn’t deserve anything. He couldn’t find comfort in people, in music, in shows, anything, because in the end everything reminded him that he was alone and he just wasn’t worth it. 

Losing Seokwoo now would be devastating. Chanhee is fine now, but he’s feeling all the stress and pressure from work and the Youngbin situation and he knows that sooner or later he will break down. It’s fine, everyone has a breaking point, he’s used to it, and he will get through it, with Seokwoo. 

Without him ... it will be devastating and he can’t see an end of it. 

So he got drunk, to forget everything, to postpone for a while his inevitable break down and most importantly to not being constantly afraid of him leaving. He had always been an overthinking person, but having him far away made him insecure. What if Seokwoo sees him and finds out he doesn’t love him anymore? What if he decides that Youngbin is right and they can’t be together? 

It’s really hard to stop the noise of his brain without him. 

“I have to go” he says, hoping that everyone who doesn’t know won’t ask too much questions, being too drunk. 

“I’m coming with you” speaks Juho and Chanhee looks at him with a probably too obvious glare. 

What does it mean? He knows he’s going to pick up Seokwoo at the airport and they are going to have boyfriends time. That kind of boyfriends time that doesn’t include anyone but the two of them and a lot of privacy. 

He surely doesn’t want to share a hotel room with the two of them, considering the fact that Chanhee is tipsy and one of the last times he was tipsy around Seokwoo and another person he really didn’t mind and tried to undress Seokwoo in the cab. 

“We’re not going the same way.” he replies, stupidly, but he’s drunk and he can’t really articulate. 

“My studio is on the way and I’m dropping off there.” 

He is indeed right. But still, it seems weird to Chanhee that he wants to ride a cab with him. 

They aren’t friends. He’s Seokwoo’s friend, so he spent most of his time with him and since Chanhee wasn’t really fond of Seokwoo until a few months ago he avoided the two of them a lot, usually being with Youngkyun or alone, but mostly alone. 

Maybe Juho likes Seokwoo. 

Chanhee feels instant hatred and he almost never says goodbye to the guys before going out.

He’s drunk so he is very inclined towards the idea to punch him in the face screaming that Seokwoo’s his and only his. Their contract states they are exclusive and he wants to date for real after that so bye Juho, Seokwoo is his boyfriend. 

He doesn’t, though, because getting in the cab means they have someone to witness his aggression. 

And then Juho speaks: “You know, I never liked you. Everyone found you cute but to me you were just a selfish and arrogant and narcissistic prick who kinda looked like a rat.” 

Chanhee is outraged. 

“Excuse me? Are you here to tell me how much you dislike me?” 

Fascinating. Not that he isn’t selfish and arrogant and sometimes narcissistic when he’s not busy listening to the voices in his head, but it isn’t exactly nice having someone telling you that. 

And surely he doesn’t look like a rat. He’s an idol. Idol don’t look like rats. 

“No, I’m trying to make a point.” 

Juho has many friends mainly because he knows how much to speak. He isn’t like Seokwoo who talks for hours and hours about himself or something that he likes, he is more of a listener, and when he speaks, he does so just to tell something important for the conversation or just in general. 

So he’s saying something pretty crucial. 

Maybe he’s saying that he likes Seokwoo and Chanhee wonders how much he should pay the taxi driver for his silence when he’ll throw Juho off the car. 

“And what’s the point?” he asks, ready to fight him for Seokwoo’s love. 

“That when my best friend told me he had an idiotic contract with you and slept with you and he’s gonna do that again, I thought: ‘here we go again, another charity case that will fuck him up even more’. I would have bet all my money on you not caring about him and just wanting sex. I mean, you don’t like people, you don’t even hide it. I thought you hated all of us or had like, socialising issues, or maybe both. I thought you were just a selfish and heartless boy who was gonna break Seokwoo’s heart and make a huge mess. And I am very good at figuring out people.” 

Chanhee wants to ask him honestly if he is just trying to insult him in every way possible, or if he wants to eliminate him by making him insecure, but Juho speaks again. 

“Turns out I was wrong. Turns out I totally got you wrong, because you may be a selfish, arrogant and narcissistic prick but you have the biggest heart. I got to see my best friend being treated right for the first time in his life, I got to see him happy and loved. When he broke down and you faked a stomachache to go to him and you spent a whole day in his dressing room to cheer him up I realised I was an idiot and I never really knew you. You, man, are the real deal for him. You totally suck at expressing your love with words, but your actions speak louder. You are a good man, and the best boyfriend he could ever get.” he says. 

“We’re not like, official, yet.” says Chanhee, not sure about how to feel about that discourse or why Juho is telling him all that. 

“I know, but I know you love him. And I know you are scared of commitment or anything, but I also know you love him so you’ll put your fears aside for him. You’re already doing it. He’s scared of you saying no after the end of your contract but I know you’ll say yes.” 

“Then what’s the point? You want me to say him no? You said you despise me, then that you were wrong, I don’t get it, why ...” says Chanhee but Juho interrupts. 

“Because I want to say to you that saying yes is the right answer. I don’t know why you’re hesitating this much, I don’t wanna make assumptions and I know Seokwoo knows, but he’s keeping well your secrets, but I want to tell you that you are a good man and you will make him happy. You may be selfish and narcissistic and looking like a rat and I also think you drink too much but well, you are kind, loving and gentle. You never even try to conceal your feelings, that makes you a very honest person, well, I thought you were just rude in the beginning but you aren’t rude at all. You just don’t like to pretend.” 

“So you’re saying that I am a good person and you misjudged me and you wish me and Seokwoo well? Okay, thanks.” he says. 

The fact is, Juho knows Seokwoo. And as much that it makes Chanhee happy knowing that Seokwoo is happy with him, it doesn’t cover the other issues, the ones concerning him. Juho doesn’t know him, doesn’t know that he fear attachment, he doesn’t know that he is so “socially awkward” because he is fragile. So it’s nice to hear saying that Seokwoo is happy with him, but that will be enough for him to stay? 

Chanhee hopes so. He wants him, he loves him, he’s willing to do anything for him, even go to therapy for the rest of his life due to their relationship’s end. 

But he dares to hope that maybe there will be a miracle, that maybe Seokwoo will stay and everything will be alright. Very unlikely, since he’s out of luck since ... he can’t even remember the last time he was actually lucky. But still, sometimes, usually when he’s with Seokwoo, he sometimes hopes things will go right. 

“He’ll take care of you too. He’s sweet and kind and you are his entire world. I’ve seen him in previous relationships but he was never like this with anyone. I know it will be hard being together, and what Youngbin did makes it even harder, but I think that you love each other so much that everything else is just ... champagne problems? I don’t think it’s the right expression.” 

It wasn’t, but Chanhee smiled since there’s a Taylor Swift song called like that, that talks about someone who leaves stranded his significant other when they want to ask them to marry. 

Chanhee used to listen to that song and think about Seokwoo. He will be the one who leaves, who leaves Seokwoo, and in the end Seokwoo will find someone better, someone who doesn’t have “champagne problems” like him. 

Juho has another narrative. The one where Chanhee doesn’t leave, the one where he stays and Seokwoo loves him and his champagne problems. There will be no perfect girl that holds Seokwoo’s hand during the awards and gets to post pretty pictures of the two of them on instagram, with no champagne problems or problems at all, while Chanhee is in bed, rewatching one of his favorite tv shows all over again. 

“Do you really think it will work? I mean, a pretty girl will be a lot better for him and he will ...” he asks, or the tequila does for him. 

“Yeah. Seokwoo will put his heart and soul in it. And you will too. I don’t want to be sappy but you two are really meant to each other, and I think people who are meant to each other always find a way to be together.” 

Chanhee isn’t as confident as him, but he really hopes so, too. 

Juho may have had a heartfelt conversation with him about feelings and all that stuff and if this was a movie Chanhee and Seokwoo after that should have probably shared as well an heartfelt conversation about their feelings ending up telling each other they want to be serious and all that, but reality is much different. 

When Seokwoo hopped on the cab, no luggage but just his backpack and a book in his hand - and he was using his finger as a bookmark and Chanhe found it so cute - Chanhee tried his hardest not to kiss him. 

It was excruciating, the trip on the taxi, checking in at the hotel, when they almost never spoke to each other because that was pointless, and they couldn’t really concentrate. 

Even when they were alone, and Chanhee wanted to kiss him for hours and nothing else, he wanted to waste time to order champagne for them. 

“Why are you and Juho so obsessed with champagne tonight? Wine is overrated. Just kiss me now.” says Chanhee and grabs Seokwoo’s face and kisses him even if he didn’t even put down the hotel phone yet. 

“It’s not fair that you get to be drunk and I don’t. I had to spend all my plane trip with my manager scolding me since “I’m acting like a rebellious teenager bla bla bla”. And, making out while drunk is veery nice.” he says but he kisses Chanhee then so for a while they are busy making out. 

When Chanhee needs to breathe he can finally ask: “Why do you need to get drunk?” 

“I have to face Youngbin tomorrow. Remeber? Photoshoot in the morning. I want to die. I feel like it’s written all over my body “LIKES BOYS” in capital letters. And I know there’s nothing wrong with it, I mean, I accepted my sexuality ages ago in high school, and I was a soccer player and everything, I mean, I got through everything and now I am here feeling like the first time I realised I liked boys and I had to see my teammates and I was so sure that they could tell only by looking at me.” 

Chanhee never really got through that phase: he knew he liked boys but he never even held a boy’s hand before Seokwoo so he was sure that, since he didn’t want a relationship, no one would have ever known. Then he slept with him and everything was so sudden and overwhelming that he worried first about his heart then about his sexual orientation. 

Now people know. The guys minus Youngbin know, even if they don’t know about Seokwoo - except Youngkyun Juho and Taeyang - they know he likes boys and at least Sanghyuk knows that he has a boyfriend, but he isn’t bothered a lot by it.

The guys are all on his side. No one had made him feel uncomfortable about it, and they all went against Youngbin when he said what he said. Sure, coming out when you already know the answer and you know it‘s positive isn’t as brave as what Youngkyun did, but Chanhee now feels good about himself, at least concerning the people he likes. 

Who cares if people know that he likes men too? They’ll never know. He sometimes thought about the small details that made him “less of a man”: his long fingernails that he spent to much time and money to get done at a salon, his pink striped pyjamas, but then what? He likes them, and nothing proves that he likes men for real. 

“No one can tell. I’d never thought you were bi before you confessed to me.” he says, kissing lovingly Seokwoo’s lips. 

“Why is it a bad thing? Being with a man. I mean, we’ve already talked about that before but it bothers me so much and ...” 

Seokwoo’s right: they already had that conversation before. And Chanhee is so pissed by that, and he’s drunk. 

“You know what? I was fine before sleeping with you. I was fine being alone, with my spite and despair then you come along a you make a huge mess. We are in a fight with Youngbin, I came out to people, and Juho told me that I look like a heartless rat and you know what is worst? That it’s fine, because now I am with you and I can kiss you and touch you and who cares about anything else. Look at this idiotic fool that you made me.” 

Chanhee kisses Seokwoo, a long, deep kiss, interrupted only from the waiter knocking at the door with their champagne. 

Seokwoo goes getting it and Chanhee can see him giving the waiter a tip and getting bottles and glasses. 

“Are you really going to get drunk here with me? Because our almost relationship made a mess out of us and our lives?” he asks. 

“Yeah” says Seokwoo, pouring two glasses. 

Chanhee knows that he will regret this but he takes the flûte and he lifts it to make a toast. 

“To the mess we made.” he says and takes a sip. 

Seokwoo empties his glass, that means he probably needs comfort and to forget everything. 

“You know, baby,” Chanhee says, getting closer to him until he is chest to chest with him, “We made quite a mess. But I’ll do that all over again, to end up there with you.” 

He goes on his tiptoes, and kisses Seokwoo lovingly, maybe a bit too sappy for him but he’s drunk, whatever, he doesn’t care. 

Seokwoo barely kisses him back. 

“You’re going to be the end of me. I swear to God, I will need more champagne to survive this.” he says, and Chanhee can see how hard he is blushing and how much his heart is beating fast. 

“Get wasted then, I’m gonna tell you all night how much I love you.” Chanhee kisses his jaw then he whispers to his ear, “and I still got tour answer.” 

Seokwoo pulls back, pours himself a glass of champagne, he empties it in one shot, then repeats. 

“It’s not soju, you aren’t supposed to drink it like this.” says Chanhee. 

“I know. But to hear your answer, I can’t be sober. You know, it terrifies me. I have fucking nightmares of you saying that you can’t be with me, that it was just sex, or maybe that you want to keep me but just as a fuckbuddy. I am just so terrified of you, because I love you so much and it’s almost consuming me, I need you, I told you that I needed you for two more weeks but it’s a lie, I need you for like, all my life. And I know I’m so gonna regret this because if you say no then I’ll waste two more weeks with you but ...” 

Chanhee decides to interrupt him, because he’s afraid he’s gonna lose courage if waiting for too long. 

He breaths in, then out, then he speaks. 

“I said that to Juho before, when he said we were like meant to each other. If I leave, you’ll find the real deal, I am sure of it. Maybe a girl, nice and that can walk with you on the red carpet. Or maybe a boy, without my ... how did he called it? My ‘champagne problems’. Someone who isn’t that dark and gloomy, someone that doesn’t spend hours and hours watching anime until his eyes are red and hurt. Someone who doesn’t need that much time alone, someone who isn’t as sad as me or as socially unable as me or ... I have a billion things that I lack of. If love was really about being selfless, I’ll let you go.” 

“But I don’t ...” says Seokwoo, but Chanhee doesn’t let him speak. 

“Juho is right. About the selfish part. I honestly don’t think that I look like a rat. I am very selfish. And I don’t have any intention to hand you over to a some perfect guy or girl. I may be selfish and narcissistic and lack a million things, but I love you with all my tiny, fragile and probably broken beyond repair heart. And I am asking you, please ... oh. I don’t really know what to say. I want you to be my boyfriend. Please be my boyfriend. Real boyfriend. For an unlimited time. But I think we should keep the contract I mean we can may edit it, but I am unable to have a relationship without it because I don’t know what I can ask you and what I ...” 

He can’t finish because Seokwoo kisses him. 

“Yes, oh my God, yes, a million times yes. And you want the contract? Of course. What can you ask me? Anything. Oh my God, oh my god ...” 

Seokwoo has teary eyes, but he doesn’t cry. He smiles, though, and Chanhee feels so happy. 

He knows he can’t be sure they’ll last. They’ll probably won’t. He is too fucked up to have a relationship but no one, no one ever, looked at him like this, like he’s the sun and all of the stars. No one smiled like this because of him. 

He can’t be sure that it won’t end with Seokwoo’s heart broken, or his own heart shattered, or maybe even worse, but he’s sure about one thing: he did one thing right in his life and he’s here, smiling at him and saying he needs more champagne and then kissing him. 

Chanhee isn’t really a lucky guy: he screws up pretty much everything he touches, he’s gloomy and he isn’t really good with people, but he got this right. He got Seokwoo. And that is more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the end! there will probably be one more chapter like an epilogue or something, if you’d like to know more about someone/something just say it and i’ll try my best to fit all in there! thank you for reading and i hope you had a very wonderful christmas! 
> 
> (also i noticed that seokwoo and chanhee are pretty much always drunk there ... i may be the one with champagne problems even if i don’t drink champagne haha)


	18. 1.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inda hint somewhere in the chapter ~

Dating Seokwoo for real is just good. Chanhee isn’t exactly very fond of elaborated words, he knows a few since he actually managed to graduate high school, even though he wasn’t the most brilliant student, but good is the perfect adjective to describe his love life. Plain, simple, perfect. Good, as his Iced Caramel Macchiato he’s now sipping while walking into the store pretending a group of girls isn’t taking pictures of him thinking that he won’t notice. 

He would usually be pissed, but today he is in a good mood so he doesn’t give them his usual glare. He also smiles at the salesman saying hello, which for him is a pretty big deal since he doesn’t smile often. 

He stars to get bothered by the girls while he’s speaking to the man about his idea, since they might take good quality pictures and notice what is he doing. 

Thankfully the man notices and lets him in a private room in the back of the store while they can finish talking. 

“That’s pretty unusual, I mean, a pendant with a portrait. But surely, we can find something. And the phrase behind it? Double check if it’s spelled correctly.” 

“Yeah, that’s unusual but the person I’m giving it too is a sucker for period dramas. Like, the books period dramas are based about. And the phrase is correct.” Chanhee replies. He had looked at it countless times, and even if he isn’t really a pro with english he knows every letter by heart. 

“Is the quote from one of the books?” asks the salesman, smiling wider at him. 

The phrase is “you won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home” and that’s pretty funny. 

“It’s Ed Sheeran.” 

Personally, Chanhee is more of a Taylor Swift type. Ed Sheeran is too romantic and not enough dark and twisted. Even if he has now a happy love story he still enjoys listening to Dear John or Exile or any sad and gloomy break up song sometimes. 

Seokwoo likes Ed Sheeran, and Lady Gaga, and Coldplay and a lot of bands Chanhee has never really listened to. It’s the first song Seokwoo said that was for him, “Photograph” by Ed Sheeran, so for him that song is now special. He likes it, he likes the vibe that it‘s giving: the idea of having someone to go back to, someone that’s waiting for you to come home. 

It’s his favourite part of having a boyfriend. 

The salesman blushes at his gaffe and stops talking. 

“When I can come to get it? I need it in a month maximum.” 

“It’s okay, it will be ready in a week.” the man replies. 

Chanhee pays and he thinks how he has changed, just in a few months. 

He goes out more, which is pretty strange for someone that used to spend his free time in front of the tv or his laptop all alone, he speaks more with people, and people aren’t always Youngkyun or Seokwoo: he speaks a lot with Sanghyuk and he also hangs a lot with Hyunjin and Mina, that worked with him on Music Core. 

They aren’t friends, because Chanhee doesn’t really trust people that easily, but they are ... good acquaintances. And they all know that he is in a relationship with a man and they aren’t bothered at all. Mina figured out immediately who he was but Hyunjin and most importantly all of his coworkers who weren’t told have no clue. 

Sanghyuk is convinced that he is dating Hyunjin and he’s using Mina not to get caught, Hyunjin thinks that he’s dating someone who isn’t famous because “dating an idol would be too much of a bother to you and you despise everyone” which is true, for the most part. 

He is also a bit less gloomy. He still has his dark times, sometimes he cries in his room for hours and he kicks out Seokwoo or ignores his text for hours, but he’s doing better than he ever was. 

It‘s not really an happy ending. Some things crumbled and failed miserably: first, his music career, well, their music career since he’s in a group, their last album didn’t go well, and the gay rumor made everything so difficult because even if it was promptly denied people are still believing it and a reputation is everything for a kpop group. It was also more difficult for them to get acting roles, Seokwoo couldn’t find a male lead one, Chanhee himself struggled a lot, and the other guys just gave up acting for a while. 

Every time that they have to face the public it’s like being in a middle of a gun fight, without anything to defend themselves. 

Chanhee wanted to fight back, wanted to write his own “Reputation” (he is a very big Taylor Swift fan) but of course he couldn’t and the agency rejected every song that was a bit provocative. 

Chanhee knows someday he will get back at everyone, but right now it’s not the time. Someday, when he will be free, he will write shameless songs about two men in love with each other. He now keeps them in his phone, waiting for his fate to change. 

Being through the hardship of almost failing brought them closer, all nine of them: Youngbin wasn’t forgiven and he probably won’t be for a very long time but they started having small talks and to greet him. He also tried to apologise to Youngkyun and Taeyang, but he ended up making a mess and to Taeyang’s opinion he wasn’t “regretting enough every single life decision that brought him to be an homophobic piece of trash”. Still, they don’t hate each other anymore and maybe someday he will make amend. 

Youngkyun and Taeyang are planning to marry: they want to do that in Australia, with none of their families but Youngkyun’s sister, since no one is accepting their relationship. They say they don’t really mind, but Chanhee knows they do a lot. He only told his baby brother and he was devoured by anxiety until he said that him being with Seokwoo was “cool, but he’s too tall, I like more the long haired one” (the long haired one is Youngkyun). He will probably tell his parents too someday and it’s terrifying. 

Seokwoo’s family all knows and supports him, which is very nice, and Chanhee sometimes is so jealous of him that can tell his mom about his boyfriend and all that like it’s normal. It is normal, but Chanhee still has to get used to think that him being with a man is not something he should be ashamed of. 

Chanhee is working on it. Everyone is working on it. But Chanhee has the blessing to have Seokwoo and that makes everything good, somehow. 

Seokwoo is waiting for him on his bed. Chanhee smiles when he sees him and bends down to kiss him on the lips. 

“Hey.” he says, and Seokwoo kisses him again. 

“Hi, baby. How was work today?” he asks and Chanhee sits on his lap. He knows Seokwoo likes everything that implies the two of them very very close and he doesn’t mind his weight on him. 

“Nice. I didn’t make any mistakes. How was your morning?” 

“Uneventful. I had breakfast and I read in your room and I missed you.” replies Seokwoo. 

Chanhee looks at the book that’s on his bed besides them. It’s called “Thous spoke Zarathustra”. 

“You’re reading this?” he asks. 

Seokwoo kisses him on the lips and then nods. 

“Looks boring as hell. Are you enjoying it? I bet you do.” says Chanhee. 

“Yeah, I like it.” 

“How did I ended up with you, since the last thing I read I think was how to cook the new kind of instant ramen.” 

Seokwoo giggles and he kisses him for like, the billionth time. They kinda forget about everything, they kiss for a while, Chanhee chasing Seokwoo’s warmth with his hands, pulling him closer. 

Seokwoo puts his hands in his hair, ruining hours and hours of styling and Chanhee can’t care less, he likes it, he wants more and more of it. 

His hands go onto Seokwoo’s shoulders, then his back, feeling it, feeling his muscles and his skin under the fabric of his shirt, and Chanhee almost sighs, since he’s so lucky to be able to hold him like this che to be able to call him ‘his man’. 

“I love you” says Chanhee. 

He says that quite a lot. It’s unusual, he always disliked saying it but with Seokwoo is almost impossibile not to tell him every second. 

“Me too, I love you so much.” says Seokwoo hiding his face in the crook of Chanhee’s neck. 

Chanhee puts one hand in his hair, petting it gently the way he knows Seokwoo likes it. 

“Are you afraid for tonight?” he asks softly. 

He feels Seokwoo’s body stiffen on his embrace. 

“I’m scared to death. But we have to. I’m tired to hide.” he says, his voice nothing but a whisper. 

“It’s okay. Everyone will support us. Look at how they’re treating Youngkyun and Taeyang. They are all going overboard to make them feel safe and happy.” 

“Youngbin doesn’t. He just ... tolerates them. And if the managers knew they won’t be as nice as him.” replies Seokwoo. 

“Youngbin is an idiot. Sanghyuk will take care of him like he did when Kyun came out. You should have seen him he was so brave. And then we got Juho, he can be very scary.” says Chanhee, remembering that night a few months before. 

“Juho said that it will be okay. Everyone’s clueless about us but they will be nothing but supportive, he said. And I trust him, he is really objective when he wants to but ...” 

“He told me I look like a rat, like, to my face. I don’t look like a rat. He is not objective.” interrupts him Chanhee. 

“He hated you for a while since he thought you were gonna break my heart. He doesn’t anymore, he likes you.” 

“He has a weird way to communicate his feelings. I don’t look like a rat.” replies Chanhee in a  
sulky tone. 

“I like rats.” says Seokwoo and he tries to kiss him, but Chanhee pulls away. 

“You’re making it worse.” 

“Come on. You are the prettiest boy in the world and you know that. You don’t look like a rat. Maybe a mouse, a tiny and cute one.” says Seokwoo trying to kiss him again. 

Chanhee gives up and he lets him. 

“Please, don’t, how about excluding any rodent from any further conversation? I’d really appreciate that.” he says and Seokwoo giggles. 

“You are sulking about the rat thing every other day, it’s a bit difficult for me.” 

“Just say to your best friend that he shouldn’t be like this to your boyfriend. I mean, Youngkyun is my friend and he is nice to you.” 

It’s new, but Chanhee has started to consider Youngkyun a friend. Maybe it’s because he supported him and Seokwoo so much, without asking anything in return. Or maybe it’s because he is funny and charismatic and Chanhee likes him. He just needed to start trusting him a bit more. 

“Juho had to hear me crying for like years because of guys and girls. He has trust issues when it comes to my taste in men and women. He says my taste is terrible but you are the exception. You are decent.” 

“He told me so as well. But he also told me I look like a rat so ..” 

Seokwoo laughs. 

“You are never gonna forge that, don’t you?” he says and Chanhee nods.

“Those words have forever scarred my heart.” 

Seokwoo smiles. 

“Do you think that a few kisses will make it better?” he asks and he kisses him without even waiting for his reply. 

“No, they won’t. But maybe like, a lot of kisses ...” 

“I’ll kiss you as much as you want” says Seokwoo and proceeds to do so. 

Chanhee kisses him back, and everything is good.

Everything is definitely not good. They are in the living room, everyone glaring at each other, or well, everyone glaring at Youngbin and he looks rather uncomfortable, hugging a pillow and sitting all stiff on the couch. 

Chanhee is not sorry. 

“I don’t get why you said that we needed to be all nine since y’all hate me ...” says Youngbin. 

Sanghyuk literally hiss at him. 

“Because Seokwoo told us so. And you know what I am sitting here?” asks Sanghyuk, flashing a gaze to Youngbin that doesn’t reply. 

“Because this seat” says Sanghyuk, “is the closest to the kitchen. And you know what I keep in the kitchen? Knives. Now shut up.” 

Chanhee can’t help but giggle. Sanghyuk is the one who is the most mad at Youngbin and also the one that speaks to him the most, even if he almost just say something like this to him. He’s joking, at least, Chanhee thinks so. 

Inseong says that this is the way Sanghyuk has to keep being close to Youngbin without being his friend since he is still hurt. Chanhee thinks Sanghyuk is way too hurt to be straight and he also started to notice how much he leans on Inseong and how he is always making physical contact with him, but maybe it’s all in his head, since he started overanalysing everything done by everyone since Youngkyun and Taeyang came out. 

Youngbin rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything anymore. 

Seokwoo is sitting next to Juho, painfully away from Chanhee. He looks nervous, and he constantly looks at Juho like he’s asking for some sort of permission. 

Chanhee wants to stand up, go to him, hold his hand and tell him everything it will be alright. He realises once again how much he loves him, how much he wants him, for worse or for better. In his darkest times, Chanhee wants to relieve his pain, in his happy times, he wants to make him even more happy. He wants him near, always and forever. He is just overwhelmed, sometimes, by how much he is in love with him. 

That’s why he is not afraid, not even a tiny bit. He is afraid of many things, of him leaving, of being alone, of the dark, of his family abandoning him, but he is done being afraid of people’s reactions when they know he loves him. Loving Seokwoo is scary, but he will never be afraid of showing it to the world, even if that will mean the end of his career, even if Seokwoo one day will leave him into probably eternal despair. 

Loving him is a privilege. Chanhee is the only one that gets to hear his endless rants about what he is reading, and he listens to them two times, once when he just vents and he understands nothing since he knows nothing about his books, and the second time when Seokwoo realises he doesn’t get anything so he explains everything carefully. Chanhee is the only one who can wake him up with a kiss on the lips, and he’s the only one who can see his sleepy smiling face after he does so. He can see him crying and laughing, he can hold his hand and give him little strokes with his thumb. No one else can, no one else knows. And that is a privilege, an immense one for him, who is so lovestruck.

He knows that Seokwoo needs to do it alone. Coming out is something personal, something that you have to do for yourself, not for your partner. And everytime it is difficult, everytime feels like jumping from a building, hoping that someone will catch you. 

He looks at him, silent, hoping to give him strength. Hoping that he knows he will be loved, no matter what will happen. 

“I like men.” says Seokwoo out of the blue. He almost screams, and he looks down. 

Juho pats his back, giving everyone in the room a glare and he is so scary that even Chanhee shivers. 

“We knew but welcome to the club.” says lively Youngkyun, holding Taeyang’s hand. 

They usually aren’t into public physical contact, maybe because they got used to hide. Chanhee is happy when he sees them acting like a couple like this, being a little bit more free around him or the other guys. 

“And ... me and Chanhee are dating.” 

“I KNEW IT!” says Inseong. 

“And you didn’t tell me?” says Sanghyuk back to him. 

“I thought it was impossibile! I mean ... what are the odds that in the same group not two but four people are lgbt and dating each other? I think we broke a record or something” replies Inseong. 

“I though ... CHANHEE YOU FUCKER! I thought you were dating HYUNJIN! You spend all your time with him and you are always happy when you go out with him!” says Sanghyuk. 

“Because Hyunjin is nice and I like him. But I am in love with Seokwoo.” he replies. 

“I hope ... we hope ... that you’ll accept us. And help us and protect us.” says Seokwoo, still looking down. 

“Of course. Gay alliance forever.” replies Taeyang, smiling politely at him. 

“I just think ...” starts saying Youngbin that was silent until now but looks rather shocked, but Sanghyuk interrupts. 

“Just don’t, no one cares.” 

“We told everyone because we thought that was only fair. We are keeping this hidden as best as we can, we ...” Seokwoo’s voice dies. 

But Chanhee can speak for him. 

“We have decided, for now, to keep things secret. We won’t come out for now, but someday we will if things will work out.” 

“And they will” adds Juho, looking at him with a scary, scary look. Chanhee knows Juho likes him but he can’t help but feeling a bit uneasy. 

“I think ...” starts again Youngbin. 

“Can you not?” says Sanghyuk. 

“I am in shock! Did you know that Chanhee was gay? I didn’t! Why you all knew? And what now? Four people are gay and we are nine and ...” 

Youngbin sounds more lost than angry and that is definitely a progress. 

“Maybe less than four.” corrects him Inseong. 

Youngbin looks like he’s about to faint. 

“Chamomile tea?” asks him Seokwoo. 

He bought chamomile tea for the occasion, just in case. He thought someone might need it. 

“I need one.”’says Sanghyuk, that when Inseong spoke started looking at him for like a few seconds and then he looked away nervously. 

“I want one but because I like chamomile tea.” says Jaeyoon, “I think that everyone coming out is great. I’m so happy you guys feel comfortable enough to share that. And I am very happy for you, Chanhee and Seokwoo. Actually I am every surprise that Chanhee can feel love but ...” 

“I told you not to tell him!” cuts him out Juho. 

“So I am a rat who can’t feel love? Interesting” says Chanhee rolling his eyes. 

“He knows about the rat thing?! How?” asks Jaeyoon. 

“I was drunk.” replies Juho

“Since when Jaeyoon knows so much? I am your best friend!” says Seokwoo to Juho, for the first time not looking at the floor with a sad expression but looking at his friend in disbelief. 

“I needed someone to vent to that hasn’t a lot of gay drama going on.” 

“I always listen to you!” complains Seokwoo, clearly jealous. 

Chanhee giggles and looks at him being all angry to his best friend that found another friend. 

“Yeah, but after you talked for hours and hours and hours about yourself and at this point I start to even forget who I am. But relax. You are and always will be my best friend.”

“Does Chanhee really listen to all that you have to say? I mean, he usually looks annoyed at you when you speak.” asks Sanghyuk. 

There was a time, a time that feels ages ago, when Chanhee was a gloomy boy that hated the constant blabber of his coworker, but right now he loves listening to everything Seokwoo has to say. Okay, maybe sometimes he kisses him in the middle of a sentence, so he shuts up. But most of the time he likes when he talks. He likes Seokwoo whatever he does, well, actually he loves him. 

“He’s the perfect boyfriend” says proudly Seokwoo. 

“Do I really have to listen to all of this? And I didn’t understand, Inseong, are you gay?” says Youngbin, that looks hella out of place. 

Chanhee, again, isn’t sorry for him. 

“Do I have to make out with Sanghyuk in front of you to make you understand?” replies Inseong and Sanghyuk ears become super red. 

Youngbin looks like he’s about to jump from the window, and his expression is so comical that everyone laughs and he gets even more pissed. 

Chanhee looks at Seokwoo across the room, smiling a bit, just for him, like he’s saying “see? everything is good.” 

It’s been almost a year. Chanhee is eating ice cream, like a super elaborated one he ordered in the fancy bar they decided to meet at. It is almost bigger than his face but he isn’t complaining at all. He picks a strawberry with his fork, waiting. 

He chose carefully his seat, so he can see everyone that comes in. He is early. He is always early, because he just can’t wait. He is earlier than Seokwoo, but Seokwoo’s shooting and his manager has threatened him multiple times to strangle him since he used to literally run away from set with still his stage clothes on, usually to meet Chanhee somewhere, but his manager doesn’t know about the last part (thankfully). 

Seokwoo comes in when Chanhee has eaten just a few spoons of his ice cream. 

His face is red, probably because he wiped up his make up with a billion wipes in the car, his polo shirt is all rumpled and his hair are a mess, because he probably run his hands between it but there was like, a lot of hairspray. 

Chanhee laughs, because Seokwoo is always a mess when they hang out after he has a schedule. Everything is a mess because he couldn’t wait and take time to even just brush his hair or fix his clothes: he wants to spend as much time as he could with him and Chanhee loves him for that. 

He smiles at him, widely, and he’s a bit sad since he can’t kiss him or hold his hand, but whatever, they’ll do that later. He takes another spoonful of ice cream to make it up for their lack of physical contact. 

“Hi. You are like, super early. What’s that?” asks Seokwoo, sitting next to him, leaving the two more places in front of them empty. 

“Ice cream, yoghurt and fruit. I don’t know, I saw the picture and it was super pretty and I am hungry. Want some?” asks Chanhee, taking another spoonful and pointing the spoon in Seokwoo’s direction. 

Seokwoo takes it, then he licks his lips. 

“I thought it was sweeter. I want cake.” he says, looking at the menu to find something to order. 

“How was your day?” asks Chanhee, looking at him lovingly, even if Seokwoo is just reading the menu, to him it’s like a little miracle or something, just the fact that he is close to him and Seokwoo’s there and he is choosing probably a super sweet and colourful cake that Chanhee will find hideous.

Seokwoo lifts his head from the menu. 

“Okay, kinda. I don’t like much this drama, I mean, my character is so annoying sometimes, it’s hard to portray someone that annoying. But I have to, so well ... the crew and the cast are not bad, and today it was mainly action scenes so thankfully I didn’t have to speak much. How was your day so far?”

Chanhee squeezes Seokwoo’s thigh for a second, to show support. He knows Seokwoo hates the drama he is now recording and they’ll probably throw a party when it will be finally over. 

“Nice. Photoshoot and recording. The photoshoot was super quick, and I just had to record a few lines. The solo is finally done.” 

Chanhee has a solo, which is pretty new to him. Of course he couldn’t write songs that says exactly what he wants to say, but he’s getting there. He wrote manly love songs, all dedicated to the same person, who is now sitting next to him, asking for a cheesecake. 

“And I was the first person that heard every single song. I hope you’ll thank me in the physical copy: ‘to Seokwoo, that endlessly and flawlessly supports me’”

Chanhee smiles. 

“I couldn’t do that. I wanted to write ‘for the love of my life’ but my manager almost had an heart attack. I’ll write that on your copy though, like, with my handwriting. ‘To the love of my life, Kim Seokwoo’” he whispers to him, and he sees Seokwoo blushing like crazy.

He wants to kiss him. Someday he will, when they’ll be out, someday he will do everything he wants, but right now he can only smile at him, taking mental notes on how many times he had wanted to kiss him for so he will do that later, behind closed doors, where no one can see them. 

“Don’t be like that, I’m gonna cry.” says Seokwoo and Chanhee can see that his eyes are wet. He wants to kiss him even more. 

“Look at you two, being lovey dovey like this in a public place. Don you have any shame? Gross.” speaks a familiar voice and Chanhee instantly smiles. 

It’s him. Well, them, since they are always together. 

“Kyun, why are you like this ... I thought years and years with me would have made you more polite.” says another familiar voice.

Youngkyun is standing in front of them, of course with Taeyang on his side, like always. They don’t look super tanned, even if they spent two weeks at the beach somewhere in Australia. The look good though, they’re both smiling.

Youngkyun is wearing a sleeveless top that will probably show a bit of his back tattoo and shorts that match with Taeyang ones. He’s also wearing shades, but on his head, since he is indoors now. Taeyang has also shades on his head, and they both look straight out a vacation commercial or something. 

“Oh my God, hi! You both look incredible! Marriage looks so good on you!” says Seokwoo, all happy seeing the two guys. 

The Australia thing was, of course, to get married somewhere where it’s legal. It was a shame that no one could attend, since it would have been really suspicious, and they couldn’t get so much time off, but they said they will have a party with all of their Korean friends back in Seoul. 

“I already want a divorce. He spent all the flight sleeping on my shoulder and now it hurts so bad and he’s not even sorry.” complains Taeyang, but he is smiling so wide just looking at Youngkyun that is clear it is a joke. 

“I told you, I’ll make up for it tonight.” replies Youngkyun, winking at him.

“Ew, gross.” says Chanhee. 

“We are married.” points out Youngkyun, like it changes anything. 

“Still gross. How was the wedding?” asks Chanhee while Youngkyun and Taeyang sit down and grab a menu to look at together. 

“Amazing. I mean, it wasn’t really anything special since there were no family or friends, but I was so happy. I even cried a bit. Even Youngkyun cried.” replies Taeyang but Youngkyun interrupts him. 

“I told you not to tell anyone!” he says.

“But you were so sweet! For the vows we recalled everything, from our first kiss in the locker room after practice ... my God, I don’t know how I mastered the courage to kiss you, I had crushed on you for so long and I was so afraid ... but then you kissed me back and everything was good again.” 

Taeyang is dreamy while he speaks about a distant past, where Youngkyun and him were only trainees and he had the biggest crush on him so he decided, out of the blue, to upgrade their friendship by kissing him. 

Chanhee knows the story,and sometimes wonders how things would have been different, if he liked Seokwoo before. How things would have been if the one kissed in a locker room at sixteen by a future colleague had been him, not Youngkyun. How many heartaches he wouldn’t have had. How different he would have turned out. 

But somehow, now it’s okay. Seokwoo and him found their way to be together, somehow, it isn’t perfect, they aren’t like, the perfect couple that got together in high school and will spend their lives together, they fell in love in their twenties, when everything was a mess, but somehow, they’re still going strong, and that’s what really matters. 

Still, Youngkyun and Taeyang’s story is really beautiful to hear. And a bit sappy, of course, but turned out that Chanhee, since he’s in love, likes sappy loves stories a lot sometimes.

“Of course I kissed you back. In that second, when your lips were on mine, I realised that I like men, and specifically, I like you.”

“I’m so gonna cry.” says Seokwoo, taking a bite of his cheesecake that arrived in the meantime. 

“Come on, baby. You should be happy.” replies Chanhee to his boyfriend. Seokwoo cries a lot, for the silliest things, like Disney movies and puppies and everything like that. Chanhee doesn’t really understand why, but it’s cute, somehow.

“I am, this is why I want to cry. Also because I can’t wait to marry you, too.”

“In a very distant future, thank you very much. How was you honeymoon, guys?” says Chanhee, promptly changing the subject. 

He really wants to get married, of course. But not now, he isn’t even out to his family yet, just to his brother, and he still feels like a child most of the times. He really isn’t ready to buy a house and do everything like Youngkyun and Taeyang did. He still needs a few years of being a rebellious twenty years old secretly dating his coworker before becoming a twenty something years old secretly married to his coworker, maybe a little bit less rebellious. 

“Amazing. Just relax for like, two weeks. I didn’t want to get back. I can’t believe I have to get back to work.” says Taeyang.

“I asked him to run away with me and like, live in the desert or something forever just the two of us and he said no.” adds Youngkyun.

“YOU said you were gonna miss Pandi. You like that cat more than me.” replies Taeyang, looking at his husband. 

“Pandi is our precious cat. I had to fight hours and hours with my parents to let him live with us.”

“He hates me. He scratches my hand everytime I try to pet him. He’s the devil.” says Taeyang. 

“You said he could come to live with us.”

“You caught me in a moment of weakness, I hate that cat and he hates me too.” 

“But you love me, so you’ll make it work.”

“Guys, trust me. Don’t get married, you’ll end up like me” says Taeyang, but he laughs and so does everyone. 

Chanhee hopes to end like them someday. Seokwoo and him are different, they don’t bicker that much, they are more the lovey dovey kind of couple, but he just wants to have the same strong bond that Taeyang and Youngkyun have. Something that lasts, no matter what. No matter how their families are against it, no matter their work, no matter anything. He’s working on it, though, and Seokwoo does too. 

“You look so happy together.” Seokwoo says. 

“We are.” Says Youngkyun and Taeyang looks at him like he is the sun all of the stars, blushing a bit. 

“You’re next. I can’t wait to hear that Chanhee cried like a baby saying the vows.” Says Taeyang. 

“I won’t. I don’t cry.” Replies Chanhee, but it’s a lie. He cried a lot in front of Seokwoo and because of Seokwoo, but he’s so gonna kill Seokwoo if he will tell. 

He doesn’t. 

“I’ll cry like a baby. Like, sometimes I want to cry even now. I can’t believe I have a relationship that doesn’t make me feel like I want to stop existing all the time. I am so lucky.” says Seokwoo looking at Chanhee with a grateful look. 

Chanhee wants to kiss him for like, the billionth time this afternoon. He will, in a short time, he will. 

“Me too.” he says, squeezing Seokwoo’s hand under the table, “I’m so lucky.” 

“Oh, come on guys, not in front of us.” says Youngkyun. 

“You two have spent to weeks all over each other we had to keep distance and everything, let us be sweet to each other for like a second.” complains Seokwoo. 

“You’re too sappy.” replies Youngkyun, jokingly. 

“You cried at your wedding, you are even sappier.” says Chanhee. 

“I hate you. We’ll see when you two will get married.” replies Youngkyun. 

“You’ll have to wait. We’re okay like this, for now.” says Seokwoo, daring to put an arm behind Chanhee’s back for a second.

“Yeah, it’s all good now.” says Chanhee, and he really means it. 

He likes his life. He likes his friends, his coworkers (Youngbin included, he’s getting like, more tolerable, since he enlisted), his work, and he loves Seokwoo. He spent a lot of time once, pretending he didn’t exist, watching anime all day to forget he is even human. Now he watches them with Seokwoo and they sing along to the opening, or with Youngkyun that always complains for the plot holes Chanhee doesn’t notice. He still gets sad and has breakdowns and Seokwoo does too, they fight, they made up, they struggle a lot. But it is all more bearable since they got together. 

Yeah, like he said: it’s all good now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that’s really over, i can’t believe that. i am a bit proud of myself i wrote like a super long story all in english! 2020 has been a very very difficult year for everyone, i really hope 2021 will be kinder to all of us. it was an ending, not an happy one, but something ended and something new is starting and i hope it will bring us peace. have an happy new year and thank you for sticking with me all this 18 long and sad chapters ♡︎


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